I know Ryan Cabrera is supposed to be famous, I just don’t know who he is or what he does. But occassionally he appears on MySpace to arm wrestle Vanilla Ice and make out with 19-year-olds at the pool. Which is cool and all, because if I was famous I’d want to arm wrestle Vanilla Ice and make out with 19-year-olds too. And order huge buckets of glue to get my hair to stand straight up like that. Preferably Elmers.
Thanks to AnneMarie for the tip.
 |
Gisele Bundchen Speaks Out After Her Latest Controversy – Lainey Gossip |
 Lady Gaga Reveals Her Eating Disorder – Huffington Post | |
| Naomi Campbell sexy new photoshoot. – Fox News | |
| Vanessa Hudgens Falls Out Of Her Shirt – Popoholic | |
| Celebrities' Real Names Exposed – Newser | |
| No bras here. – The Chive |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Jennifer Lopez Smacks Marc Anthony On Camera (VIDEO) |
Kissing Connection: Justin Bieber's Past & Present Loves (VIDEO) |
Kristen Stewart's Movie Roles Through the Years (PHOTOS) |
Adam Levine Signs 'Glee' Guy to New Label, Poses For Terry Richardson (PHOTOS) |
Camila Alves Flashes Engagement Ring, Talks Wedding Plans (PHOTOS) |
'Madly in Love' Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart Hang Tight in Los Angeles |
Equalparts | April 10, 2006 at 12:25 pm
Tan body. White face. That’s about the only interesting comment I can think of.
CheekyChops | April 10, 2006 at 12:25 pm
In other “who gives a shit” news, Paris Hilton has another herpes simplex 69 sore on her lip.
thatsmyname | April 10, 2006 at 12:26 pm
poor girl is balding. look at that second pic.
bsb008 | April 10, 2006 at 12:26 pm
quite an improvement from Ashley Simpson….he just needs to do something with that sonic the hedgehog hair
MystressJade | April 10, 2006 at 12:30 pm
One word comes to mind…
Gay.
M@ce | April 10, 2006 at 12:32 pm
I must be officialy old, because I have zero idea who this douche is.
little_miss_perfect | April 10, 2006 at 12:34 pm
You know it is a SLOW newsday when this crap is the best you can come up with.
jennyjenjen | April 10, 2006 at 12:37 pm
I have waited all weekend, and all morning like a fiend for fresh celeb news and mockery.. this is what I get.. the shame..
YapYapYap | April 10, 2006 at 12:37 pm
Ty is happy to show the unspoilt daughter of the proud and grateful home owner how he glued those pretty tiles on the bathroom wall all by himself.
ESQ | April 10, 2006 at 12:40 pm
In response to #6 – this dude used to go out with Ashlee Simpson and I think that is about it.
To Ryan: Sid Vicious called from the dead and is pissed-off. He wants his hairstyle back, it looks better on him than you.
It is disgusting that your hair looks the exact same wet or dry? That is some powerful Elmer’s he is using in his hair. To think I used to make Bogey balls in grade school with that stuff…who would’ve thought it is a powerful hair gel.
jon | April 10, 2006 at 12:40 pm
I’d hit it.
Oh wait.
reptilicus | April 10, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Hah hah.
That’s the dipshit who got a career by mooching off the Simpsons (Jessica and Ashlee, not the cartoons).
sometimesboy | April 10, 2006 at 12:42 pm
he looks like he has boobies…
BOOBIES…
officially he’s not really famous, but his hair is…same is true of spindoc….the hair thing…not the boobies…
gsprescueguy | April 10, 2006 at 12:45 pm
Not exactly the hard hitting thesuperficial we know and love.
“Well….we’re waiting.” ala Judge Smails
#9 Love the tile comment.
Spindoc | April 10, 2006 at 12:47 pm
I’m not really sure about the point of this story on here. Oh well, tom Cruise loves Anal.
Shaun | April 10, 2006 at 12:49 pm
They look like fish kissing.
ESQ | April 10, 2006 at 12:51 pm
Tom Cruise takes it the ass in other news worthy news..
gsprescueguy | April 10, 2006 at 12:54 pm
#15 You almost made me spit soda out my nose.
Maggie L. | April 10, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Oh, we are still going with that hairstyle, Ryan?
Italian Stallion | April 10, 2006 at 12:58 pm
This would be so much cooler, if she was drowning him, or vice versa…..
Why can’t these two be missing in Aruba?
CINDO | April 10, 2006 at 12:59 pm
#8–U 2???? I’M GLAD I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A RUINED DAY!!!
hendero | April 10, 2006 at 1:08 pm
if you click on the “Source” next to the photo, and then “back to profile”, you:
a) learn that the picture has been on myspace since the end of January;
b) can see that the girl in question might have had a boob job;
c) have absoluely no life at all. Like me
tits_on_snack | April 10, 2006 at 1:09 pm
I hate this douchebag. I hate that whenever she was around him, Ashlee Simpson would talk like a two year old. Saying things like “Fwower” instead of “flower”.
His hair is retarded. His face makes me want to punch it.
PapaHotNuts | April 10, 2006 at 1:24 pm
From the looks of the first picture, I think it’s safe to assume he was holding a toaster in the water a one point.
I thought he was a big star, so why the fuck is he swimming at the local YMCA? I hope the girl he is with tells him the bottom of the pool smells like strawberries and he decides to go down and sniff really hard and then drowns. Because the headline “Ryan Cabrera drowns at local YMCA” isn’t nearly as funny as:
“Ryan Cabrera drowns at a local YMCA because he was stupid enough to listen to some 17 year-old desperatly trying to lose her virginity to a celebrity that told him the bottom of the pool smells like strawberries and he was idiot enough to try and smell it.”
I hope everyone had a great weekend.
gogoboots | April 10, 2006 at 1:33 pm
Who is he again?
jose608 | April 10, 2006 at 1:41 pm
ryan was once on ryan seacrest radio show.. seacrest gave him some condoms for his bday..and cabrera.. gets quiet..and says something like… these are two small.. i only use magnums..lol
Jacq | April 10, 2006 at 1:45 pm
When you’re famous, aren’t you just supposed to go around doing crazy, kick-ass things that ‘normal people’ can’t afford? Like buying and wrecking BMW after BMW? Hanging out in the pool at Embassy Suites definitely ups his douche factor.
Fast forward two years and Ryan will have mysteriously morphed into Ashley Parker Angel.
Argh! His hair laughs in the face of gravity!
UNWASHEDMASSES | April 10, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Look at his face in pic #1. He’s glowing, he positively radiates. Even a blind man’s gaydar would be going haywire around this guy. And the pics were probably staged/posted to quelch any rumors of him being a big Tom Cruise fan.
Jacq | April 10, 2006 at 1:49 pm
#26 – It’d be more fitting if he was pictured kissing Ryan Secrest on a Malibu beach – you’ve opened the door with the condom thing, but I’m at work so someone else can walk through that!
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 10, 2006 at 1:58 pm
Ryan Cabrera’s MySpace hot tub pictures with some girl named Amber, or maybe Staci – you can’t make this stuff up, people.
mamacita | April 10, 2006 at 2:09 pm
OshKosh, her name is actually Lacey, but she apparently likes to be called “Lace” for shirt. What a dizzy broad. Yes, as #22 says, I have no life. Additionally, I think it’s funny that she posted these pictures, but on her myspace profile, one of the interests she lists is “God”.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 10, 2006 at 2:10 pm
#24 – That’s the same line I use to pick up guys at Monster Truck rallies, but replace “bottom of pool” with vagina, and “strawberries” with pizza. Works like a charm.
Spindoc | April 10, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Is he wearing lipstick?….Or is that just some of Tom Cruise’s Menstral Blood that he forgot to wash off?
andrewthezeppo | April 10, 2006 at 2:14 pm
for those who don’t know….
Ryan was the inspiration for Ashlee Simpson’s song “pieces of you” because they were dating when Ashlee “wrote” it.
Further he had a hilarious failed MTV series about songwriting where his catchphrase was “snaps”
And he is very short so his hair sticks up an extra 6 inches.
oh, and I guess he has a few albums out
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 10, 2006 at 2:18 pm
mamacita – Other names I would have picked for her: Desiree, Mercedes, Chandi, Steph, or maybe Mysstiiey.
Other items on her list of interests are probably: Fun, Boyz, Shopping, Luv, Hugz, Hollister, Abercrombie, Nietzsche, Microbial Genomes, and Ice Cream!!!
Derek Hail | April 10, 2006 at 2:29 pm
I think he had two popular songs. He has not done anything else other than have sex with Ashlee Simpson.
Italian Stallion | April 10, 2006 at 2:30 pm
ryan was once on ryan seacrest radio show.. seacrest gave him some condoms for his bday..and cabrera.. gets quiet..and says something like… these are two small.. i only use magnums..Seacrest gets quiet and then says something like, but they fit you last night when we were having anal sundaes….
don’t ask because I have no idea either, it just fit (sundaes)
mamacita | April 10, 2006 at 2:33 pm
OshKosh, I would also have thought of the following names: Destiny, Peaches, Rachelle, Alicia or Alesha, Kristi, and Nikole. Oh, and the “e” at the end of Nikole would have an inappropriately placed accent mark somewhere in there. I’m pretty sure “cuddles” was somewhere on that list of interests, too. Seriously.
oshkoshb-goshdammgosh | April 10, 2006 at 2:36 pm
Totally.
ablet | April 10, 2006 at 3:11 pm
Fuck that, I’d be making out with twelve year olds in a pool if I was Ryan Cablahdiblah.
jose608 | April 10, 2006 at 3:19 pm
hey Itallian Stallion.. we were both listening to it.. lol # 26.. but i 4got the end of the conversation
MeganHarris | April 10, 2006 at 3:28 pm
Dude, this guys is a loser. No one would know who the hell he is if he hadn’t have been Ashlee Simpsons guitarist.
What a pawn!
and he’s 26 years old. dude, grow up.
Italian Stallion | April 10, 2006 at 3:29 pm
jose608
Glad I could help out…lol
This shit is so boring today, i’m actually getting alot of work done!!
And no offense, but I wouldn’t be caught dead listening to Seacrest radio….sorry
gammanormids | April 10, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Ryan who?
tits_on_snack | April 10, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Pshh, guys, you forgot all about !*~sTaCieE-4-U~*!, *xxx*CaNdiE*xxx*, and >~!*!!omg-sTePhieS!!*!~<
alteaon | April 10, 2006 at 4:15 pm
I need to quit my job and re enroll in first grade. My intellegence has been completely wiped out by visiting that twat’s myspace. People who use an excessive amount of exclamation points or added letters should be dragged behind a horse. What a frickin’ idiot. If I were to send her a message she’d think I knew her soooo well because I know she likes to drink and think she’s sexy as hell.
tits_on_snack | April 10, 2006 at 4:18 pm
WHAT?! He’s 26 freaking years old????
I was cutting the kid some slack because I thought he was precisely that – a KID. Like, seventeen or something. He certainly looks it. And acts it. And sounds it. Oh this is just sad, I feel weird and sorry for him now.
Cheekymunkeh | April 10, 2006 at 4:23 pm
OMGS I lost 15 precious minutes of my sad life looking at cheerleader pics and spring break funtimes *sigh*
biatcho | April 10, 2006 at 4:25 pm
“The Faggot & the Teenage, Drunken Whore”
New reality series on MTV.
biatcho | April 10, 2006 at 4:26 pm
Did anyone else notice that she lists “To Be Famous” as a goal of hers? She’s going places & getting a big foot in the door by “making out” with this joker.