Ryan Seacrest Is Definitely Crying On The Inside

“Can I stop smiling now? My mouth feels like it’s about to fall off my face-“
*Kelly Ripa’s eyes glow with fire* “HISSSSTH!”
“But I’m good! Haha! I love it here!”

Ryan Seacrest isn’t adjusting well to living in New York City after taking the hosting job at Live! with overgrown cheerleader/serpentine sociopath Kelly Ripa. According to a source over at Radar, Seacrest has taken up a humble life of urban hermitage, passing on NYC party invites and never going out in public to better devote himself to serving his dark lord mistress Ripa. Sure, he’s making enough money to fill an oil tanker with cocaine, but money and cocaine don’t buy happiness – freedom does.

“Hey Kelly – after today’s taping I was thinking about maybe going out to that new restaurant with my girlfrien-“

Stacey Griffith

*And I was thinking about using my iPhone to ssssteal her ssssoul if you don’t return to your cage! HISSSSSSTH!*

“HAIL RIPA! Dark mistress of morning! Keeper of the Seacrest!”