Ryan Reynolds is Dating Charlize Theron Now. Why Not?

July 13th, 2011 // 28 Comments

Despite the fact Green Lantern should’ve been called Emerald Hate-Bang of The Eyes and Ears, Ryan Reynolds has somehow managed to land Charlize Theron, and the two are “exclusive” and very “hush-hush,” according to Us Weekly which is apparently written by Danny DeVito in L.A. Confidential now:

While the two haven’t been photographed together, a witness noticed Reynolds’ motorcycle at Theron’s home all morning on June 5, then saw the actor exit her house around 3 p.m. — and she left just minutes later.
Has Reynolds (who split from wife Scarlett Johansson last December) found a perfect match?
“They’re both career-focused,” explains the source, “but not in a crazy way.”
For instance, don’t expect to see the stars side-by-side on a red carpet. “She won’t go to an event with him,” the insider says of Theron, who split with love of nine years Stuart Townsend in 2010. “That’s not her style.”

I love how Scarlett Johansson has already rebounded and been subsequently dumped by Sean Penn while Ryan Reynolds was secretly nailing Charlize Theron the whole time. I won’t get into a boring therapy session about why I love that, so long story short, I was the reason Scarlett left Ryan. Except, at the end of the day, I just wasn’t ready to commit to her repeated requests to be my live-in sex slave. Sure, she’ll say a bunch of stuff about “false imprisonment” and “a hole in my basement” with a bucket, but hopefully one day she’ll realize I was just trying to protect our hearts and stop holding a broken chicken bone to my dog’s neck. Ha! Women. Back me up, fellas.

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

superficial

  1. Crotch Shadow

    I know what you’re saying Fish. Take away a bitch’s options, and suddenly I’m some sort of a creep. We spoil these ho’s.

  2. fish, did gary heidnik teach you how to date? i mean you’re like a medieval knight with the women.

  3. Porter

    You gave her a bucket? Niiiiiiiiiiice!

  4. Banastre Trent - Holmesworth

    This Charlize Theron is quite fetching . I cannot understand what she might see is this dufus

    • PoorMaryKelly

      I say the opposite. Minus that dumbass hat.

      • MrsWrong

        seriously, When I saw Monster it was an epiphany. I’m not sure what the movie was about cause I couldn’t watch after about 9 1/2 minutes, but I finally realized how special effects worked. I could SEE how NONE were used on her in a movie, therefore I could see what she TRULY looked like and why I always took a dislike to her. This was her real face. (I’m a visual learner)

    • theron is fetching? have her fetch me a beer

      • Billy Barty, Jr

        I’m 3’6″ . If I accidentally bumped into her in Santa Monica let’s say , I could pretend to trip and possibly end up with my face in her snatch

  5. Lion O

    Theron is so f’n overrated in the looks dept. She’s also totally full of shit about how she came to the USA from South Africa with no money in her pocket because at the time guess what the USA had sanctions against South Africa and you were required to have a shitload of US currency on you to even gain entry. Nice try you f’n liar.

  6. “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again”, eh Fish?

  7. kimmykimkim

    Hmm, so the witness that spoke to Us Weekly was Gladys Kravitz, I presume.

  8. terry

    Ryan is funny the way shit is stank. A comic genius in my book. Fuck Charlize.
    Why the hell is there is goddamn “Z” in her name?

  9. What’s with all these stars fucking each other? Do star sex juices taste that much better? I’ll bet they do. I’ll bet Ryan jizzes ambrosia, while Charlize’s dripping taste like the nectar of the Gods. Which come to think of it is also ambrosia. Swallowing one of their loads would kill a mere mortal, who would be immediately consumed by flames.

  10. Frank Burns

    I hope he had the class to send of video of him banging Charlize to Scarlett, with a note saying “This is how you trade up, bitch”.

  11. ZigZagZoey

    MAJOR upgrade.
    And ScarJo had Sean Penn…..
    Bwahahaha!

  12. SSHGuru

    I agree MAJOR upgrade

  13. rob

    It must be so much better tapping Charlize’s tight ass compared to Scarlett’s lumpy sacks of cottage cheese. Good job Ryan.

  14. cc

    Top o’ the morning to you sir, care for a paper or a whiff of Charlene’s vag on my trousers?

  15. bing

    Charlize is old and overrated.

  16. Cpm

    She’s getting long in the tooth.

  17. Cpm

    And now, ScarJo is tainted, damaged goods.

  18. mick

    I AGREED, MAJOR UPGRADE! SHE WILL LAST LONGER BECAUSE SHE IS NOT CLINGY AND IN NEED OF ATTENTION ALL THE TIME.

    Scarjo has a lot of growing up to do.

  19. butt juice

    Ryan most definitely has a thing for completely uninteresting, big breasted women. Although, I must say I would fancy a night with Scarlett over a night with Charlize.

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