Ryan Lochte Is A Fucking Idiot Basically

“Haha, our pants match.”
“Haha, jeah. — What’s a match?”

If you’ve been literally anywhere online this morning, even Zappos, then you’ve probably heard that Ryan Lochte’s story about being robbed at gunpoint in Rio is breaking down after teammates were detained in Brazil while Ryan fled the country. And now ABC News is reporting that during the time Ryan Lochte was supposedly getting robbed, he was caught on video kicking down a gas station restroom door and fighting a security guard.

[UPDATE: And allegedly pissing all over place.]

So there you have it. A silver haired bro-douche whose catchphrase is “Jeah!” isn’t a criminal mastermind. I’m as shocked as you are. Now back to sports.

ryan lochte michael phelps
“Hey, Mike, can I touch hands, too? Mike, I like touching hands.”
 

ryan lochte michael phelps
“You get a thumbs up, Ryan.”
“Cool. I like thumbs.”
“Why is my body so smaalllll?!”

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Tags: Ryan Lochte