Russell Brand Died, Too. In a Sense.

Russell Brand has been getting laid since he was seven if I’m reading his Wikipedia page right, so it’s no surprise to find out that getting married to Katy Perry has left him a sad, empty shell of a man. The Sun reports:

The comedian, 35, said: “I can’t believe I used to have sex 20 times a week, especially now I’m married. But now I’m a bloody good gardener.”
… The shaggy-haired comic, who beat a booze and heroin habit, was asked if he thought he could manage not to sleep with another woman for the rest of his life.
He replied: “I take it one step at a time – like with drugs, like with alcohol. Don’t look at things as in ‘rest of life’. Of course marriage is for life and that’s what I wanted but anything for the rest of life can be daunting.”

What in the fuck did that last sentence even mean? He either just said, “Yes, I’m eventually going to relapse and start banging random woman,” or, “I don’t think of marriage as a life-long commitment.” And yet he wonders why he’s not getting laid. You’d figure someone like Russell Brand would’ve learned by now that lying is always the best response – “Oh, no, I’d never go back to that life because I made a promise in a religious ceremony. Those people use magic.” – but that’s expecting logic from a drug addict. It’s a miracle he doesn’t wake up every morning and punch Katy Perry in the breasts for not being a different person. “Why can’t you bloody transform over night? Fuck me. — Coffee?”

Photos: Splash News