Russell Brand Died, Too. In a Sense.

March 23rd, 2011 // 67 Comments

Russell Brand has been getting laid since he was seven if I’m reading his Wikipedia page right, so it’s no surprise to find out that getting married to Katy Perry has left him a sad, empty shell of a man. The Sun reports:

The comedian, 35, said: “I can’t believe I used to have sex 20 times a week, especially now I’m married. But now I’m a bloody good gardener.”
… The shaggy-haired comic, who beat a booze and heroin habit, was asked if he thought he could manage not to sleep with another woman for the rest of his life.
He replied: “I take it one step at a time – like with drugs, like with alcohol. Don’t look at things as in ‘rest of life’. Of course marriage is for life and that’s what I wanted but anything for the rest of life can be daunting.”

What in the fuck did that last sentence even mean? He either just said, “Yes, I’m eventually going to relapse and start banging random woman,” or, “I don’t think of marriage as a life-long commitment.” And yet he wonders why he’s not getting laid. You’d figure someone like Russell Brand would’ve learned by now that lying is always the best response – “Oh, no, I’d never go back to that life because I made a promise in a religious ceremony. Those people use magic.” – but that’s expecting logic from a drug addict. It’s a miracle he doesn’t wake up every morning and punch Katy Perry in the breasts for not being a different person. “Why can’t you bloody transform over night? Fuck me. — Coffee?”

Photos: Splash News

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  1. fist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. well it looks like Russell brand is the messed up version of Justin timberlake.

  3. Annie from Fremantle

    Your first is a fail Lightdragon.. you forgot the ‘r’.

    Onto Russell… he ain’t what he used to be, she’s pummelled him into submission – into a rather unfunny parody of himself. Shame..

    • that was done on purpose Annie. as in fisting a vagina. yeah i know it’s disgusting and annoying. but about as much as someone who types in first.

      • devilsrain

        Oh you mean it was done on purpose after you realized it?

      • Adi

        You can see in that split second berofe he answers the stupid question where he gulps and hesitates. You can see that the question utterly destroys him inside. It’s that vulnerability that I like about Russell, and the fact that he comes back and makes her look like a fucking idiot.

  4. DKNY

    “She has big tits… She has big tits… She has big tits…”

  5. ZigZagZoey

    Um hello…..Does anyone notice that it looks like Russell pissed his pants???

    • Ruth

      I did. It really, really does.

    • Always say cunt

      He used to piss his pants as part of his comedy show before he was famous.

      He would walk into a dry cleaner’s and say “can you get the smell of wee out of clothes”. Then piss himself there and then.

  6. Marley

    I’m confused as to why that last sentence didn’t make sense to you, Fish. He used to be a sex addict, therefore, he’s taking it all one step at a time. If you start thinking about the distant future of your life, you’ll totally freak the fuck out and make bad decisions.

    • Ponkur

      This.

      How Fish got “Yes, I’m eventually going to relapse and start banging random woman” from his comments is way off the mark.

  7. Cock Dr

    It can’t last. Not possible. The pairing is just too damned weird.

    • Dan

      I know this sounds weird but I honestly think that Russel Brand is way too nice for Katy Perry. She doesn’t treat him very well it seems.

      Of course Russel Brand probably doesn’t think he deserves any better treatment. I feel sorry for that guy.

      Seriously – the first year of marriage you should be having sex some inordinate amount.

  8. Snickers

    I think I’d be pretty pissed if my husband said something like that, but then again it’s the first year of marriage and she’s ALREADY not putting out? Geez!

  9. the last part’s just saying it’s hard to look at the long term without being intimidated. speaking to that long a measurement of time is like trying to boil the ocean when you should be handling one cup at a time (day). made sense first time to me but i’m also a ‘recovering’ sex and drug glutton, and spent half my childhood in england..

  10. Deacon Jones

    I with you, Russell…I’m with you.

  11. RoboZombie

    LMFAO! He’s so freaking dead…katy’s going to castrate him!
    What a great line.
    Here’s a shovel Russell, maybe you can dig your way outta that hole.
    Wait, if he sees a hole he just might try to f*ck it.

  12. Oh Snap

    I don’t blame her. He’s gross

  13. Neen

    I can’t wait until he cheats on her!

  14. Katy Perry Russell Brand
    Commented on this photo:

    For what it’s worth, I can’t believe he used to have sex 20 times a week either.

  15. dani

    Wow, he’s so dreamy… Sounds like he’s doing her a favour.

  16. Chase

    What A Beautiful Young Couple IM happy for them Granted hes not having sex but sex isnt everything LOL did I just say that………. #winning

  17. wow

    marriage ruins everyman.

  18. Carter

    “Russell Brand has been getting laid since he was seven if I’m reading his Wikipedia page right”

    The guy got abused by a tutor as a child. Certain things are off-topics for joking, and the victim of sexual abuse is a big one.

    • Misanthrope

      It’s a bit close to the knuckle, but Russell Brand is a comedian who probably wouldn’t shy away from making a similar joke about someone else.

      I doubt he’d be offended.

    • josh

      Russell actually jokes about that. Afaik, it didnt affect him. In his book it just said “i did something good, and as a reward, he shoved his finger up my bottom”. He lost his virginity to a prostitute somewhere in asia at 16, with his dad banging a whore in the same room.

      • jen

        I really doubt that it didn’t affect him negatively. Just because he’s able to joke about it doesn’t mean it didn’t affect him, it just means he’s a comedian, who, like a lot of other comedians, has somewhat of a dark past and he uses it in his comedy.

      • MrsEllis

        Oh wow, I didn’t know about that. That probably explains some of the cause of his substance abuse problems. Sad.

    • LEB

      He actually has joked about it before… and the armchair shrink in me says it’s probably his way of claiming control over something horrible that someone else did to him. Joking about it doesn’t mean he takes it lightly or that it didn’t affect him. Comedy has a long, long history of using laughter as a “safe” way of addressing difficult topics… and hey, if laughter works and gets people talking, then why the hell not?

    • Alex

      I was just gonna say that. I was expecting something funny as I read through his Wiki and when I saw that and that his mom had cancer, I was like how could you *joke* about that… it’s no wonder he has issues and hes a drug addict.

  19. He has to be dead inside, he’s looking at the camera instead of down her dress.

  20. Misanthrope

    I think your speculations about what is going on in their marital bed has got to be a bit far of the mark. Russell is a tea drinker if ever I saw one.

  21. Getting married for the sex. Now that is druggie thinking at it’s best.

  22. I’ll never, never understand these rich, famous dudes who get married…then start having affairs because their hot sexy wife quit putting out as soon as the honeymoon is over. How is this a surprise to them? Why the hell does any man getting laid 20 times a week with limitless varieties of chicks decide “hey, I should get married…I’m having too much sex”.

  23. Turd Ferguson

    Enough of the too-tight, velvet Austin Powers attire.
    We get it, you are a wacky brit. Move on.

  24. Is anyone really surprised Katy Perry stopped putting out? Once she sobered up and realized she was married to Rocky Dennis, he’s lucky she didn’t scream and try to kill him with fire.

  25. Katy Perry got the ring, so now there’s no reason to put out. Just goes to show celebrities are no different than you or I. The instant we get married, the sex stops!!!

    Oh ya, Russel Brand is going to stay faithful. Yep because you know those Hollywood marriages never have infidelity as an issue.

  26. Hugh Gentry

    I so look forward to the day they break up. I’m next in line!!

  27. Katy Perry Russell Brand
    Hugh Gentry
    Commented on this photo:

    mmmmm….my favorite woman.

  28. Katy Perry Russell Brand
    Hugh Gentry
    Commented on this photo:

    I want to inspect every inch of her with my tongue.

  29. Mr. Brand, I’m sorry it’s come to this, but let me introduce you to a little thing called “the internet”.

    • It’s made of boobies.

      • Manijeh

        if she wants to keep her marriage prviate then let her!who cares its her life and i bet she doesnt like paparazzi around when they get marryed!!:P

      • YERALDY

        Ya gotta love her! She’s smart and super sexy.I have searched high and low saicrheng for Kim’s sex tape. It took a bit but my hard work paid off.I found it over at this website: WatchKimKardashianSexTape. info

  30. jen

    This guy needs to stop talking about his marriage, he always sounds like he’s trying to convince himself that it wasn’t the worst idea he’s ever had.

    “It’s the most beautiful death trap ever! Her lips are like a magic gateway to heaven, see look at this picture of her when she just woke up! See?!! Beauty, right? It’s the most mundane, wonderful (terrible), awesome (kill me), beauteous thing in the world! I play with plants now! It’s so much better than sex and drugs!!!”

  31. MrsEllis

    Hmm, that dress is looking mighty loose in the stomach area. What if she got pregnant? Ooh, that needs to happen. That would be hilarious.

  32. LEB

    I’m going to give Russell Brand a pass and interpret his comment as, “I’m learning to understand that a good marriage requires making some adjustments.”

    I’m also going to give him a pass in believing that he married Katy Perry and not her implants.

  33. Always say cunt

    He has a very small penis, which is why, when he has sex with 20 women in a week, none of them want to stay with him.

    Except for one woman, who has no interest in sex anyway.

  34. Tom "Magnum" Cho

    Those two kids got married way to soon.

  35. Katy Perry Russell Brand
    me
    Commented on this photo:

    she looks pregnant

  36. Dhea

    Also I do understand that there are A LOT of men who are sex hgruny and are very promiscuous (mainly due to testosterone) but if you think about it if your basing it off of sexual things.. a lot of men are thus not much marriage material either. Maybe it is supposed to be this way? It used to be that people felt obligated to stay in a marriage due to religion, cultural views, family but now that america is more individualistic and more women are independent it makes sense!

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