Reese Witherspoon might be pregnant, but that doesn’t mean she’s entirely useless. Just mostly. So here’s Us Weekly confirming that Robert Pattinson has taking refuge at her ranch because injecting more famous people into a perfect storm of celebrity gossip will really make shit die down quicker. I’m amazed we’re still talking about it:
The real story? When the devastated Brit needed to get away from it all, his Water for Elephants costar Witherspoon, 36, offered up her tranquil, $7 million ranch in Ojai, Calif. (The pregnant actress wed husband Jim Toth in March 2011 at the rustic chic estate, recently featured in ELLE Decor.)
As Pattinson attempts to relax chez Witherspoon, he is, according to another source, “a total mess . . . He’s questioning everything.”
The good news is that Robert Pattinson is seeking the counsel of a hormonal woman who’s been cheated on herself, so you know he’s getting sage advice. There’s no way he wouldn’t come out of this thing on top.
ROBERT: God, Reese, what do I do?
REESE: Aw, honey, there’s only thing you can do at a time like this: You find that cheating sonofabitch hussy, stab her in the heart, and as the blood curdles to the surface, you look him in the eyes and say, “The Way of The Gun was a piece of shit, you bastard.”
ROBERT: If you think that’ll help. Can I borrow your chin?
(I’m joking, of course, he’s probably just there as a midwife because it’s always nice to have a British one around going, “By jove, mum, it’s the most ‘eautiful baby me eyes ‘ave evah seen. And just in toime fa tea!”)