Reese Witherspoon’s Pregnant Belly Shelters Robert Pattinson So The Healing Can Begin

August 1st, 2012 // 39 Comments
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Reese Witherspoon might be pregnant, but that doesn’t mean she’s entirely useless. Just mostly. So here’s Us Weekly confirming that Robert Pattinson has taking refuge at her ranch because injecting more famous people into a perfect storm of celebrity gossip will really make shit die down quicker. I’m amazed we’re still talking about it:

The real story? When the devastated Brit needed to get away from it all, his Water for Elephants costar Witherspoon, 36, offered up her tranquil, $7 million ranch in Ojai, Calif. (The pregnant actress wed husband Jim Toth in March 2011 at the rustic chic estate, recently featured in ELLE Decor.)
As Pattinson attempts to relax chez Witherspoon, he is, according to another source, “a total mess . . . He’s questioning everything.”

The good news is that Robert Pattinson is seeking the counsel of a hormonal woman who’s been cheated on herself, so you know he’s getting sage advice. There’s no way he wouldn’t come out of this thing on top.

ROBERT: God, Reese, what do I do?
REESE: Aw, honey, there’s only thing you can do at a time like this: You find that cheating sonofabitch hussy, stab her in the heart, and as the blood curdles to the surface, you look him in the eyes and say, “The Way of The Gun was a piece of shit, you bastard.”
ROBERT: If you think that’ll help. Can I borrow your chin?

(I’m joking, of course, he’s probably just there as a midwife because it’s always nice to have a British one around going, “By jove, mum, it’s the most ‘eautiful baby me eyes ‘ave evah seen. And just in toime fa tea!”)

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News


  1. FudgeSticks

    Did he at LEAST take his boyfriend with him?

    • Another Fudge Packer

      He has Witherspoon’s husband, Toth to cuddle up to since he gets his cornholio prodded also!

  2. Cock Dr

    I hope Reece has a whole cadre of handsome young men staffing that ranch. Rob will need assistance with the pool & the hot tub.
    Let the healing begin.

  3. EricLr

    “Reese, what should I do?”

    “You should cheat on my husband with me.”

    “Wait…how does that help me?”

    “You? I’m an actress. I only think of myself.”

  4. Johnny P!

    “… a total mess. He’s questioning everything.”
    Like, “Will I ever get the months back that I spent with a plain, untalented, perpetually smirking, moribund American girl back, or are they gone forever?!?”

    • Annie

      I would be very angry at myself thinking why did I give four years of my life to such a shitty person. This really speaks really loudly on his own self-esteem too. The typical guy always chasing after the bitch who hates his PDA, who never lets him hold her, who probably knows his insecurities and plays with them. “Don’t hold my hand on the red carpet but watch me being eaten in broad daylight.”

      He could totally be a pretty pathetic guy for all we know. Watch him take her back in a few weeks.

    • JC

      Or perhaps, “Magnets? How DO they fucking work?”

  5. DeucePickle

    I liked Way Of The Gun
    Could have used more Sarah Silverman though.

  6. USDA Prime McBeef

    The first two minutes of “the way of the gun” were pretty fucking awesome. sarah silverman says fucksuck and she get’s her nose broken.

    • DeucePickle

      “My boyfriend’s going to fuck you in the ass. He’s not even gay but he’ll do it just to prove a point.”

  7. Reese provided him with a place to hide out and band ranch hands. Just what he needed.

  8. kimmykimkim

    Oh, I just soooo do not care about Sparkle Douche and Dagger Chin. They are two of the most boring people on the planet.

  9. Annie

    Reese should stab Kristen with her chin.

    Rob, poor thing, is now smoking again. Being cheated on sucks, but it sucks more when everyone can see that your significant other has always been a piece of shit and you deserve better.

    Rob I support you – if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, open arms, an open mouth I’m right here bb.

  10. ” ‘eautiful baby?” Sorry, but that’s gotta be the worst faux British ever written. I don’t know who drops the “b” in beautiful, but dropping that “b” and not the “b” in baby makes no sense at all.

  11. vgrly

    “Reese Witherspoon’s Pregnant Belly Shelters Robert Pattinson So The Healing Can Begin”

    Better title would have been “Reese Witherspoon’s Enormous Chin Shelters Robert Pattinson So The Healing Can Begin”

    Not only did he get cheated on. They are starting to make him look like the biggest p*ssy in the world.

  12. Robert Pattinson Staying At Reese Witherspoon House
    Commented on this photo:

    Well if they breed the kid might end up with a normal chin. Law of averages etc.

  13. Annie

    Ok men, who should Rob become best bros with to deal with this heartache? His friends are all sensitive bohemiam hipsters. I feel like he needs a friend who knocks some sense into him and help him have some fun.

  14. wharf rat

    Sparkle on , Robert , Sparkle on !

  15. ace11

    If Reese weren’t preggers…she probably would be giving Mr Pattison a “private tour” of her place

  16. Robert Pattinson Staying At Reese Witherspoon House
    Commented on this photo:

    People think this guy is hot?

  17. Good to know someone else out there hates “The Way of the Gun.” A great opening scene, but after that, total poosticks.

  18. We never lack for celeb sightings here in my lovely little hometown of Ojai. I’ll let you all know if I see them at the ice cream shop. Or drunk, boning in a bush outside the bar. Pregnancy be damned.

  19. Wo Fat

    I feel sorry for Robert . I have been cheated on by one special girl, and it really was quite painful.She has no honor or integrity.

  20. Kono Kalakaua

    She’s coconuts. Her Twi- fans will desert her .

  21. The Royal Penis

    Dude’s gonna score his first pity fuck with a preggers.

    Good for him, emulating Seth MacFarlane is a good place to start for success.

  22. Robert Pattinson Staying At Reese Witherspoon House
    Commented on this photo:

    I have no idea why, but I think she’s so pretty in this picture, ugh, I used to make fun of her, but she’s aging well?

  23. Oz Matters

    I trust he realises “Chin up Rob” can be interpreted in a different way.

  24. Robert Pattinson Staying At Reese Witherspoon House
    Commented on this photo:

    well he does look a bit run over by a truck here.

  25. imagen

    Your cockney accent sucks. See how there was “cock” and “sucks” in that sentence?

  26. Robert Pattinson Staying At Reese Witherspoon House
    Commented on this photo:

    Kristen deserves what she gets she cheated and it wasn’t out of boredom because the photos show her enjoying herself by pressing up her bum into Rupert’s crotch and they are both smiling. It’s one thing to cheat with a taken man because his adult partner will be able to make sense of it in a mature way. BUT a man with YOUNG children is so unacceptable because children are so naive and innocent that they have no idea how to process what is happening and can easily be carried away by their emotional response to the situation they can’t deal or handle this news positively Kristen is a monster to cause a huge episode of trauma in innocent kids life that can scar them no wonder her name has the word WART how appropriate the man upstairs knew what he was doing when the wart was named

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