So Robert Downey Jr. Might Be Anonymously Claiming Hayden Panettiere Was A Child Prostitute

[UPDATE: Surprise! Turns out this story was pulled out of some lawyer’s ass along with almost every single item on Crazy Days and Nights, so now I have to write my mom a new Christmas list that doesn’t include Hayden Panettiere’s Premiere Package at the top. Goddammit. – SW]

If I’m reading this Jezebel piece correctly (Which I highly suggest you give a look.), there’s a strong theory floating around that apparently Robert Downey Jr. is anonymously confirming blind gossip items in the comment threads of celebrity blogs. And not just any blind gossip items, insanely fucked-up blind gossip items that allege Hayden Panettiere and Amanda Bynes were part of a child prostitution ring that Hayden’s parents were willing participants in. So right off the bat, this seems like the type of thing a movie star would confirm and risk getting his dick sued off for:

Leslie P. is not just a poor victim in this trainwreck. Trust me. She’s at LEAST 50% responsible (if not more) for encouraging, enabling, and at times even participating in her hubby’s twisted fucking life. Leslie’s kinks cross the line into depravity, illegality, and inhuman sickness. As in: Ryan ONeal, John Phillips, Tish Cyrus, and Dan Schnieder territory. (Far worse than Pimpa Joe Simpson!)
She’s not just had chances to stop it or walk away with the kids, but she elected to not protect her kids – and give in to the hedonistic sickness in her bedroom (all for her own greed). You think Dina Lohan is bad?
Leslie’s guilt is compounded by trying to save her daughter’s “IMAGE” (so as not affect her earning potential); and hoovering her own mountain of drugs, booze, fame, and fucking (of everything with legs)…Leslie IS as bad as her hubby – maybe worse because she KNEW it was wrong but didn’t stop it and at times fueling it.
It’s easy to argue that Hayden is forever a victim which drives her own insane life choices – and I’m not a psychologist – but she has taken it further into becoming a willing perpetuator of it (and saying she loves it). Not just the physical and mental violence she enjoys, but her insatiable appetite for the most bizarre shit she can indulge in to “top” herself. She was offered help by some who genuinely cared for her and worried for her. She mocked them and tore off on her own streak. Now? She craves it and considers nothing taboo. NOTHING! Just ask Mario Lopez.

Of course, this immediately raises all kinds of questions that should seriously be looked into. I’m talking:

1. Is this still going on?
2. Do I have to go through Hayden’s mom or is Mario Lopez in charge now?
3. What’s the going rate for a midget blowjay swirl with an Ewok suit handy?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out how to lure Robert Downey Jr. into The Superficial comment threads even though I’m 90% positive he’s that forrest gump/steve canyon dude from the Netherlands who always says “FOLKS.” Call it a hunch.

Photos: Getty, Splash News