Rob Lowe: ‘Tom Cruise is a Robot’

March 29th, 2011 // 34 Comments

It’s been two years since Rob Lowe has been on the site, but then again, that’s his own fault for not masturbating in front of the help more. Anyway, he’s sharing excerpts of his autobiography with Vanity Fair which include poignant puns about his friendship with Charlie Sheen (Actual quote: “We competed to see who could play harder, then show up for work and still kick ass… The verdict: Charlie by a nose.”) and working with a young, upstart by the name of Tom Cruise:

“He’s open, friendly, funny, and has an almost robotic, bloodless focus and an intensity that I’ve never encountered before.” In New York for the second round of auditions, Lowe finds that Cruise is “already showing traits that will make him famous; he’s zeroed in like a laser.” “We check into the Plaza Hotel. I am taken aback at the luxury and spectacle of the lobby…. The front desk tells us we will be sharing rooms,” Lowe writes of the actors’ arrival in the Big Apple. “In a flash, Cruise is on the phone to his agent, Paula Wagner. ‘Paula, they are making us share,’ he says…. The rest of us are staggering around like happy goofs….. ‘O.K., then. Thank you very much,’ he says like a 50-year-old businessman getting off the phone with his stockbroker. ‘Paula says it’s fine.’”
Lowe remembers hanging out with Cruise and the other actors in a gymnasium on set, when Patrick Swayze—who, Lowe writes, “makes Tom Cruise look lobotomized”—“begins to teach us a standing backflip…. When it comes to flips, I’m a pussy. I don’t flip. I don’t even dive into a pool—straight cannonball for me…. No, thanks. Cruise, not surprisingly, is all over it. ‘How about this!’ he says, almost pulling it off without even being spotted. He wipes out, but tries it again immediately.”

Rob would later go on to describe Patrick Swayze in almost mythical, homoerotic detail which, honestly, is the only way you can describe such a man. You don’t just say, “Oh, yeah, Patrick Swayze was great to work with.” You’re literally compelled to write, “His rock hard washboard abs hypnotized me into a heightened state of consciousness. At one point, I was certain his flowing hair was the very hair of Samson himself, golden like the erection I was now showing him in the afternoon light. It was so erect, I barely noticed when he roundhouse’d me into the side of barn severing my spine. I love you, Patrick…”

Phew. Did it get hot in here all of a sudden? *removes shirt, wrings out sweat* Watch out for the steam. It just pours right off of me. “Sexualitis,” the doctors call it.

Photos: Getty, Splash News


  1. Jake

    He still wins the prize for banning those two teenagers in the hotel room at the Democratic Convention. Unlike Kelsey Grammer, who was banging young boys at the Republican National Convention.

  2. Go rough young man

    I thought he was going to say they guy made a pass at him. I already know all this stuff already.

  3. Dice

    Rob Lowe. You need the money–OH!!

  4. With all the money Tom Cruise has you’d think he’d invest in a pair of platforms for when he’s out with his 5’9 wife

  5. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Kennedys
    Commented on this photo:

    “Rob Lowe? I fucked him.”

  6. The Pope of Cleveland

    Ever since I saw a porno with the title “Rob Blow”, I can’t help but read his name that way.

  7. Cock Dr

    I was never a fan, but I have to admit the man looks damned good to me.
    Wonder how much they ‘Shopped him for that cover.
    Won’t buy the book though even if he got full frontal naked, sorry Rob!

    • Dan

      My guess – a lot

    • Jock McCrock

      He looks great in the photo, although it has to be said his face looks strangely ageless, and I’m not sure what’s going on with the hair (would it be as thick for a man his age?)

      Conclusion: It must have been photoshopped to buggery, unless he has some kind of special DNA that is special to Hollywood celebs – he’s approaching 50, which would make him an old man in Scotland – even our 25 year olds don’t have bodies like that.

    • Jock McCrock

      On second thoughts, having been inspired by the cheeky peek of hip bone to research some of his early work *coughs*, I actually do think this guy has got extra special DNA that would appear to guarantee eternal hotness. And reminding us of his contemporaries (Old Man Sheen, Tom Cruise’s recent foray into toplessness, Swayze RIP), just helps to support my theory.

  8. Rob Lowe Vanity Fair
    Tyler Perry
    Commented on this photo:


  9. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Kennedys
    Tyler Perry
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s actually looking doable again…I credit the hair growing back. Let that be a lesson ladies, short hair makes you look like a boy which is never sexy (ok, except maybe to Tom Cruise)

  10. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Kennedys
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s nice that they let him keep wearing the mask from “Vanilla Sky.”

  11. Toby Weymiller

    My wife has found traces of radiation in her vagina.

    • Your Gynecologist

      I guess that’s how she explained that man “probing her with his geiger counter”, huh?

    • Richard McBeef, MD

      Internal radiotherapy is still indicated for treatment of cervical cancers. It’s really not something to joke about, especially since you probably gave her an HPV variant only seen in cambodian midget transvestite hookers.

  12. krunkkybooty

    Never really saw much of this guy til season 4 of Californication. Pretty damn funny. Not sure who Rob Lowe is though.

  13. eatme

    The Outsiders?
    Were the 3 of them (Lowe,Cruise,Lowe) in any other movie all together?

  14. IMdb

    The Outsiders is noted for its cast of up-and-coming stars, including C. Thomas Howell, who garnered a Young Artist Award, Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez, Matt Dillon, Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Ralph Macchio, and Diane Lane.

    Who TF is Diane Lane?

  15. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Kennedys
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Years ago, when we were all younger & much more stupid, most gals thought Mr Cruise was quite the hot tamale.
    But becoming aware of his “religion”, what he did to Nicole Kidman, and then his behavior when courting current wife kinda made us all come to our senses.

  16. lux


  17. A tiny one, like a Roomba.

  18. Laurie

    Youngblood. So much prime Lowe hotness. So much Swayze goodness. So much Keanu Reeves accent-mangling.

    Nah, I reckon most of this is the real deal, even with the aging. God, actors have nothing but time to spend assloads of hours doing weights. Cloone’s still got it, so does Brad, and Robert Downey Jr. If Tom Cruise could always keep his shirt on from now on though, that’d be great.

  19. Aussie Mama

    Mind Controlled from a young age. Moulded into a star.

  20. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Kennedys
    Boob Fan
    Commented on this photo:

    “Penis? Yeah, I know where penis goes.”

  21. the captain

    bur robots aren’t pleased by BlowJobs done by boys.

  22. Rob Lowe Confesses (that he really misses being famous)

  23. Debutante

    Rob Lowe’s career has been on the upswing alot lately. He’s on Parks and Recreation and he was on Californication this season. He’s hilarious. And he really is in great shape. On Parks & Rec. his character brags about having zero body fat . He looks great for his age—and that body is NOT photoshopped !

  24. Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Kennedys
    Commented on this photo:

    I thought they broke up?

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