So Who Wants To Be Rob Lowe’s ‘Body Man?’ Anyone?

And never mind, the position’s been filled.

TMZ is reporting that they found a job listing Rob Lowe allegedly posted on a recruiting site for personal assistants. Lowe’s reps are denying it’s his and that’s probably because it’s full of weird Hollywood preferences that would make normal people think he’s an asshole. But this is the post-truth era of Orange Death where anything goes, so I’m going to repeat several of these job requirements as fact and explain why they absolutely pertain specifically to Rob Lowe. Isn’t the internet awful?

– Never assume anything

You will definitely encounter Mr. Lowe doing butt things. It’s for health reasons you wouldn’t understand.

– Ensure the CLIENT [Rob] is fed and has coffee throughout the day

Rob Lowe’s perfect hands do not touch hot beverages. What are you, some kind of asshole?

– Ensure that the CLIENT HAS A DINNER PLAN IF ARRIVING HOME LATER THAN 8 PM in the evening

Rob tried to prepare his own meal once. It was awful, and he ended up eating a car battery and half of a neighbor’s house cat.

– Make sure you let Estate staff know if the CLIENT wants a Jacuzzi turned on or a massage ordered for his arrival

Mel Gibson clued Rob in on this one, but he omitted the arson-y, “Where’s my blowjob?!” stuff.

– Willing to travel on location as requested and serve as the CLIENT’S body man

Remember requirement one. This is not what is sounds like. A “body man” is just a guy whose full body in its entirety will be available to Rob 24/7 to do with as he pleases. What? Did you think it was something weird?

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Tags: Rob Lowe