Rihanna & Chris Brown married?

March 4th, 2009 // 124 Comments

Here’s the most believable news ever: Rihanna and Chris Brown are married, according to Star:

“All she’s ever wanted was to be with him forever,” a source tells Star. “Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25. She believes in fairy tales, and she wants to live hers with Chris. She was totally up front and confessed to him, ‘I can’t live without you.’”
The pair wasted no time making Rihanna’s fairy tale come true. They even called a minister to the mansion on exclusive Star Island!

Well, she already took him back and as I always say despite it usually ending in divorce and/or sexual harassment litigation, “When you’ve dug yourself a hole, the best thing to do is keep digging until the shovel hits you in the face.” Which, let’s be frank, is a likely scenario for these two.

Photo: Fame

  1. Que

    Que my word!

  2. Mdiz

    One less dumb bitch out there…. Here’s to you punching bag!

  3. bubba


  4. lala

    complete crap story…. Star sucks!

  5. Megan

    Let’s hope this story is wrong…

  6. jaime

    this girl keeps getting more retarded every day, seriously.

    but it is a common psycological disorder to protect the man that beats you up. those wives always lie and protect their husbands.

  7. Joline

    He is busy with his online dating thing, His profile was seen at the millionaire & celebrity dating club ____MillionaireLoving. C O M____ yesterday.

  8. Someone (not-so-casanova Chris Brown, me thinks?) has obviously given Rihanna several hearty whacks with a retard stick.

    Oh well, at least they’re both off the market. Now can we please take them off the radar?

  9. The White Urkel

    This stupid house negro makes Brittney look totaly sane. Rihanna better start stocking up on makeup to cover those black and blue marks that are sure to come her way.

    And apperantly she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.

  10. Sam

    I think all of the stories in Star exist only “on exclusive Star Island!”

  11. Im not sure about this story, but she sure has a body that wont quit and brain that wont start…the perfect girl!

  12. Chris Brown

    Honey, don’t worry about a thing, for the reception I’ll bring the punch.

  13. fagballs

    Nobody will ever buy both of their music again and he´ll be in Jail for some time soon. So no income in the future and a husband in Jail. Sounds like a great fairy tale disney might make a movie of! /irony

  14. I actually hope this story is true because that would be one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long time.

  15. Max Planck

    Funny but I used a different approach when I proposed to my wife.

  16. Now he can move her to a country where he can beat her legally.

  17. Maoz

    “‘When you’ve dug yourself a hole, the best thing to do is keep digging until the shovel hits you in the face.’ Which, let’s be frank, is a likely scenario for these two.”

    Hahaha nice, superficial, nice.

  18. Massa'

    Farm animals aren’t legally allowed to be “married”, so this story is complete bullshit. The male negro monkey abandons the female negro monkey right after conception anyway.

  19. Ref

    Game On! Hopefully she’ll make it entertaining and stab him once in awhile. Maybe he can cut her head off like that rag-head fuck in Buffalo.

    Fun times.

    Ain’t multi-culturalism great?

  20. Pat

    #18 – if you’re going to channel the pre-Civil War south, at least refer to the female negro monkey properly, as a “negress.”

  21. My Leader Is An Obese Drug Addicted Talk Show Host

    This is all Obama’s fault.

  22. MassaNeedsHisSlaveWoman

    Rhianna sees getting punched as a sign of passionate love. Sounds like she’s found her heaven on earth. RIP

  23. My Leader is a Communist radical muslim ape that can speak

    I blame George Bush

  24. crazypants

    This shit is so common among abusive relationships – studies show that the abusee returns to the abuser 7 times before breaking up for good.

    You know what’s going to be real fun..when they spit out a couple of kids and this shit just gets carried on into the 22nd century. Woo hoo!

  25. FACT: Stupid bitches do stupid things nonstop.

  26. My Leader Is An Obese Drug Addicted Talk Show Host

    I can’t believe my party has collapsed.

  27. My Leader Is An Obese Drug Addicted Talk Show Host

    Oh well, back to furtive sex with boys. Larry Craig and Mark Foley are throwing a big party this weekend!!!

  28. Evil

    this will end well…

  29. I enjoy sex clubs in the Domincan, pain killers and doctor shopping. CPAC? Conservative Probably ARE Crazy……. I am getting so large, I may be developing my own gravitational pool….. I always seem to attract idiots.

    P.S. I’m hungry and in withdrawal…….

  30. mankey mookah

    She’s head over heels in love with him by the sounds of it, while he’s in love with the thought of using her heels (plus his fists) on her head. Some people have to learn the hard way, I suppose.

  31. Jrz

    And the happy couple is registered at:
    Lou’s Bail Bonds on La Cienga
    The Emergency Department at the Sunset Blvd. Kaiser Permanente
    and Kool-Pak Ice Pack Company

  32. I really hope this isn’t true. If so, she is really the dumbest person on the planet. And why the FUCK would anyone want to be married with two kids by age 25? “I want to rip all of the fun out of my life as soon as humanly possible”. I can’t imagine spending my entire 20′s married.

  33. Wow. I just read some of these comments. There are some HORRIBLE racists that comment on this site. Is calling them “negro monkeys” REALLY necessary?

  34. Balack Obomma

    By taking all the money that employers earn, I’ll create jobs. Plus, if you vote for me again in 2012, I’ll give you an even bigger welfare check than the one you won’t receive for voting for me in 2008! Change!

  35. pete

    Chris Brown needs to learn from Tom Cruise that when an angry repressed gay man wants to destroy his wife, there are much more effective and non-violent ways to do it.

  36. Republican politician

    Once, when I was really drunk, I call Rush Limbaugh “fat.”

    Rush, oh mighty leader, I humbly apologize. I will continue to do whatever you say.

    Vote Republican for real leadership.

  37. Nero

    Oh yeah,and my name is Gando.Don’t try to fool me all the time.

  38. Republican politician

    …I just hope Rush isn’t angry with me. Do you think he is? Has he said anything? I’m really worried. I can’t concentrate on anything else. He’s such a wonderful man. I can’t believe I let him down. He’s the only person that matters to me.

  39. Ballack Obomma

    Also, If you took a high risk loan with a 3-year ARM and can’t make your payments because you’re too stupid to hold a job, or too stupid to realize you can’t afford a house, and didn’t know what a 3-year ARM was in the first place, but you bought a house because liberals like me forced banks to loan you money even though we knew you couldn’t pay back your loan, but that doesn’t matter because it’s everyone’s RIGHT to own a house, and if you blame whitey for your perpetual failure, so if this all applies to you, then I’ll pay your mortgage!!! And I’ll get that money by taking it from employers, which will also create jobs! Change!

  40. Ballack Oboombox

    Also, by releasing all the muslim terrorists from Gitmo and setting them free in the USA, I’ll create jobs, and pay for healthcare! Change!

  41. Massa'

    #33. The Music Elitist -Wow. Is calling them “negro monkeys” REALLY necessary?

    Well, we could call them by their species name, “Negronomus Apeus Welfareous” or the more common alias, “North American Street Ape”

  42. duh

    “because liberals like me forced banks to loan you money even though we knew you couldn’t pay back your loan”

    no, that would be the financiers who were making billions off the mortgage-backed securities and needed a constant inflow of mortgages, like in any pyramid scheme. but thanks for playing.

  43. That’s great thinking by the Messiah. Tax the winners and give to the losers. Welfare State Part 2, if you will. Please name one, JUST ONE, liberal policy that has ever expanded freedom, or had a positive effect on business? I mean other than the New Deal or LBJ’s Great Society. Drawing a blank? The Democrat party is after me like a pill head is after a 24 hour pharmacy. Obama, debate me. I will make you walk in through the back door because only real Americans can enter my vacuous foyer. Please, unwashed masses, eat cake. I will be on the 2012 ballot, making you WISH W was still in charge.

  44. Sauron

    Old pic folks,she isn’t using a rollator on this one.

  45. Vince

    There are very few “muslim terrorists” (it’d be Islamic, but whatever) in Gitmo. Most of the prisoners are people who were identified as terrorists by neighbors who were looking to settle bets. They haven’t been interrogated in years because they know nothing.

  46. Ballack Oboombox


    No, you’re absolutely wrong, as usual for a Liberal. It was the Liberal communist welfare bill “The Community Reinvestment Act” started by Carter, killed by Reagan, then restarted by Clinton, which forced banks to give mortgages to minorities who couldn’t afford to pay for them because they were unemployed to begin with, but no matter, we forced those banks to lend the money anyway. And my financial advisor, Franklin Raines, then CEO of Fannie Mae, bought up all the defaulted loans from all the financial institutions so he could get a $90 million bonus. Then we blamed it all on the Republicans when Fannie Mae crashed the stock market!! Change!!!

  47. My Leader is a speaking ape figurehead for global communism

    The Great Society and New Deal were complete failures. Unless you consider keeping negros locked up in housing projects, reproducing new voters completely dependant upon democrats a success.

    Although anything that gives democrats more power in the gov’t and takes away liberty and freedom is considered a “success” by a Liberal.

  48. #47 ir right….. get it? RIGHT? I kill me. But then I am the funniest and most merciful radio host in the history of the medium. The New Deal was indeed a complete failure. And the Great Society was a waste. I am so happy that my fellow conservatives endorse their social secuirty checks right over to the RNC or their local church, because no self respecting GOP voter would take government welfare. Well except all those major corporations, but I mean, as individuals, where is your responsibility people? Now, I have to go watch Ann Coulter shoot eggs out of her pussy and into a plastic cup. Like Reagan’s frozen corpse, I shall return…..

  49. mamamiasweetpeaches

    Fun wedding. Instead of bouqets they throw punches!

  50. duh

    Blaming “The Community Reinvestment Act” for the subprime meltdown has been debunked many times. Just one example: the MINORITY of banks that are subject to the CRA’s rules (most banks are not) have LOWER default rates on subprime mortgages, as compared to banks that are not subject to the CRA. The majority of the subprime mortages (and subsequent defaults) have occurred through non-CRA banks. But again, thanks for playing.

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