So Rihanna’s Been Banging Ashton Kutcher Since December

“My god, just look at that ass. Not a liver spot on it…”

While Rihanna’s been letting everyone think she’s back together with Chris Brown so their labels can make a quick buck, it should’ve been pretty obvious she’s not because she doesn’t have any bruises and/or car doors lodged in her face. So of course it turns out she’s been having sex with Ashton Kutcher this whole time. Via The Sun:

“The flirting began as soon as Rihanna and Ashton met and swapped numbers. That moved on to texts and arranging to meet. They snuck off to a Santa Monica hotel a few weeks ago.
“They are two single people having a fling, so thought it would be best to meet in secret.
“Rihanna has told friends he’s funny and cute. Both of them love a good time and think they’re too busy for anything serious just yet. She’s starting to enquire about Kabbalah sessions with his rabbi.”

Granted, Ashton Kutcher is probably cheating on Rihanna as we speak, what he’s not doing is punching her to death. And before everyone gets depressed about the state of Rihanna’s self-esteem that she’d consider this a forward move (Although, technically, it kinda is.), I’m sure he’s very romantic about the whole thing. Like something out of a dream. “So, listen, Rihanna, I have to, uh, work on some lines late tonight, so here are flowers and a card that says, ‘Aren’t I A Gorgeous Man Who Doesn’t Maim You For Peeping His Phone?’ Call you tomorrow?”

Le Sigh…

Photos: Splash News