“My god, just look at that ass. Not a liver spot on it…”
While Rihanna‘s been letting everyone think she’s back together with Chris Brown so their labels can make a quick buck, it should’ve been pretty obvious she’s not because she doesn’t have any bruises and/or car doors lodged in her face. So of course it turns out she’s been having sex with Ashton Kutcher this whole time. Via The Sun:
“The flirting began as soon as Rihanna and Ashton met and swapped numbers. That moved on to texts and arranging to meet. They snuck off to a Santa Monica hotel a few weeks ago.
“They are two single people having a fling, so thought it would be best to meet in secret.
“Rihanna has told friends he’s funny and cute. Both of them love a good time and think they’re too busy for anything serious just yet. She’s starting to enquire about Kabbalah sessions with his rabbi.”
Granted, Ashton Kutcher is probably cheating on Rihanna as we speak, what he’s not doing is punching her to death. And before everyone gets depressed about the state of Rihanna’s self-esteem that she’d consider this a forward move (Although, technically, it kinda is.), I’m sure he’s very romantic about the whole thing. Like something out of a dream. “So, listen, Rihanna, I have to, uh, work on some lines late tonight, so here are flowers and a card that says, ‘Aren’t I A Gorgeous Man Who Doesn’t Maim You For Peeping His Phone?’ Call you tomorrow?”
Le Sigh…
Photos: Splash News
Hopefully a leaked sex-tape will eventually confirm my suspicion that Ashton wears her wigs while they do it.
Of course it is a step forward. Damn near anything within our species would qualify.
Hell, even outside of our specieis would be moving on up at this point.
In other news Chris Brown,after hearing the news of the new couple, reportedly proceeded to shit in his hand and rub it over his head.
Fucking PIg!!! Moore is better off with out your dumb ass!! She needs a man not a boy!!!
Rumor, please go do your homework.
They’re a perfect match.
Can’t wear an original hair color. Can’t sing an original song. Can’t bang an original guy.
HA :D
Pretty much looks like an eye-fuck-gangbang.
He’s white, so the chances of her being beat up just declined exponentially.
If she couldn’t handle a beating from a gay dwarf, I’m pretty sure anyone can take her.
Yeah but the chances of her getting murdered went up even more.
Nikon will make a killing on the first sex tape leaked in HD.
Yeah but he looks at the basketball players the same way.
I wish my ass was that cute.
Congratulations Kabbalah, on your greatest celebrity acquisition since James Van Der Beek.
Here’s a couple of Kabbalah tenets that Ashton gets to follow:
“It is not recommended that men masturbate, as the sperm are abandoned souls that become demons.”
“The man should not orgasm before the woman, as it injects selfishness into the act of love making.”
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kabbalah_Centre)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go perform an exorcism to get the demons out my house, yard, the neighbor’s pool house, the dumpster behind the 7-11, the third stall at the Wal-Mart men’s room, the . . .
Kabbalah doesn’t sound that bad..”men are not to ejaculate before women.” I like that one.
“Yes, I know everything about my face makes you want to punch it, but give me a break, I did serve time with Demi Moore after all.”
What does Enquire magazine have to do with any of this?
hE’S GOT BIG ARMS.
Oh he knows the inevitable, if he spends too much time with her he’ll beat the shit out of her.
Waits for f7u12 comics. Surely OP will deliver.
Rhihaannaa or whatever is fugly
I give it 3 months tops. Look at his forearms. There’s no way he’s got the strength to make her dizzy, much less choke her unconscious.
Damn I wish I was an effeminate, rich, good looking douchebag so I could bang Rihanna too.
if you could bang just about anything you wanted. that rhianna thing would be about third to last.
celebrity is wasted on the dumb
Rihanna’s a nasty ho.
Rihanna looks like Predator