So Rihanna’s Been Banging Ashton Kutcher Since December

March 26th, 2012 // 29 Comments
Late Night Rendezvous
Rihanna Spotted Leaving Ashton's House At 4 a.m. Read More »

“My god, just look at that ass. Not a liver spot on it…”

While Rihanna‘s been letting everyone think she’s back together with Chris Brown so their labels can make a quick buck, it should’ve been pretty obvious she’s not because she doesn’t have any bruises and/or car doors lodged in her face. So of course it turns out she’s been having sex with Ashton Kutcher this whole time. Via The Sun:

“The flirting began as soon as Rihanna and Ashton met and swapped numbers. That moved on to texts and arranging to meet. They snuck off to a Santa Monica hotel a few weeks ago.
“They are two single people having a fling, so thought it would be best to meet in secret.
“Rihanna has told friends he’s funny and cute. Both of them love a good time and think they’re too busy for anything serious just yet. She’s starting to enquire about Kabbalah sessions with his rabbi.”

Granted, Ashton Kutcher is probably cheating on Rihanna as we speak, what he’s not doing is punching her to death. And before everyone gets depressed about the state of Rihanna’s self-esteem that she’d consider this a forward move (Although, technically, it kinda is.), I’m sure he’s very romantic about the whole thing. Like something out of a dream. “So, listen, Rihanna, I have to, uh, work on some lines late tonight, so here are flowers and a card that says, ‘Aren’t I A Gorgeous Man Who Doesn’t Maim You For Peeping His Phone?’ Call you tomorrow?”

Le Sigh…

Photos: Splash News


  1. Dick Hell

    Hopefully a leaked sex-tape will eventually confirm my suspicion that Ashton wears her wigs while they do it.

  2. Of course it is a step forward. Damn near anything within our species would qualify.

  3. Deacon Jones

    In other news Chris Brown,after hearing the news of the new couple, reportedly proceeded to shit in his hand and rub it over his head.

  4. Ashton Kutcher Cheerleaders
    Commented on this photo:

    Fucking PIg!!! Moore is better off with out your dumb ass!! She needs a man not a boy!!!

  5. Cyndi

    They’re a perfect match.

  6. EricLr

    Can’t wear an original hair color. Can’t sing an original song. Can’t bang an original guy.

  7. Ashton Kutcher Cheerleaders
    Buddy the Elf
    Commented on this photo:

    Pretty much looks like an eye-fuck-gangbang.

  8. He’s white, so the chances of her being beat up just declined exponentially.

  9. papastryfe

    Nikon will make a killing on the first sex tape leaked in HD.

  10. Ashton Kutcher Cheerleaders
    Beer me
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah but he looks at the basketball players the same way.

  11. Ashton Kutcher Cheerleaders
    George Burdell
    Commented on this photo:

    I wish my ass was that cute.

  12. Frank Burns

    Congratulations Kabbalah, on your greatest celebrity acquisition since James Van Der Beek.

    Here’s a couple of Kabbalah tenets that Ashton gets to follow:
    “It is not recommended that men masturbate, as the sperm are abandoned souls that become demons.”
    “The man should not orgasm before the woman, as it injects selfishness into the act of love making.”

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go perform an exorcism to get the demons out my house, yard, the neighbor’s pool house, the dumpster behind the 7-11, the third stall at the Wal-Mart men’s room, the . . .

  13. Ashton Kutcher Cheerleaders
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    “Yes, I know everything about my face makes you want to punch it, but give me a break, I did serve time with Demi Moore after all.”

  14. Roman

    What does Enquire magazine have to do with any of this?

  15. Ashton Kutcher Cheerleaders
    Commented on this photo:


  16. rican

    Oh he knows the inevitable, if he spends too much time with her he’ll beat the shit out of her.

  17. Waits for f7u12 comics. Surely OP will deliver.

  18. chmod

    Rhihaannaa or whatever is fugly

  19. I give it 3 months tops. Look at his forearms. There’s no way he’s got the strength to make her dizzy, much less choke her unconscious.

  20. The Royal Penis

    Damn I wish I was an effeminate, rich, good looking douchebag so I could bang Rihanna too.

  21. burger king bathroom

    if you could bang just about anything you wanted. that rhianna thing would be about third to last.

    celebrity is wasted on the dumb

  22. Ashton Kutcher Cheerleaders
    Commented on this photo:

    Rihanna’s a nasty ho.

  23. Louis

    Rihanna looks like Predator

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