Ricky Gervais petitions Obama for a Paris Hilton/Victoria Beckham exchange

February 3rd, 2009 // 97 Comments

British comedian Ricky Gervais took to his blog today after finding out Paris Hilton bought a house in London. He’s written the following open letter to President Barack Obama in hopes of negotiating a trade:

Dear Mr President,
Firstly, congratulations on your historic win. I have never been so behind a candidate for what must be considered the boss of the world.
You seem to be a man of grace and integrity, who would never shirk responsibility in any way.
I’ll get to the point.
As I’m sure you are aware, one of your flock has strayed. A Miss Paris Hilton, who is, I believe, a resident of Beverley Hills, is in England doing a reality game show for ITV2 called Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend. Fine. I have no problem with that. I don’t have to watch. But now it has come to my attention that she has bought a house in North London a few miles from me, and is out and about ingratiating herself with the Great British public.
Mr President. We are not stupid. This is clearly a retaliatory strike for Posh Spice moving to LA. I know it, and you know it, so let’s cut the “it’s a free country” nonsense and come to some agreement.
I propose an exchange.
This is how it would work. We call them both and tell them that we’ve found a giant “paparazzi nest”, in New York say. (half way home for both of them already)
At first they may be confused that they’d never heard of such a thing before, but the thought of that many photographers in one place will be irresistible.
Once we get them there, while they are having their photos taken (we will have hire a few guys with cameras to make it look good) we will swap their limos around. It’s fool proof.
This is a covert operation of which Mr Gordon Brown knows nothing. (I’ve got him working on finding a synthetic fur for The Queen’s guards’ bearskin hats.)
Have your people call my people. They may have to call a few times as my people are useless to be honest.
Thank you,
Ricky Gervais

I’m not even going to attempt to follow that slice of awesome except to say, Suck it, England, she’s all yours now. But thanks for Falcor with tits. U-S-A!

Photos: Splash News, WENN
superficial

  1. Conky

    Brandon M. Witte is a stalker and a half! LOL

    Thanks

  2. Yank and wank they rhyme for a reason

    Ugh I am gutted, I don’t want Beckham back, but I certainly don’t want your diseased trash living in my city. I hope someone pushes her under a train.

  3. English Bob

    It won’t be long before were sending her back to you Americans, we can’t be doing with your over inflated egoistical stupid bitches (Madonna for one) So just wait and see how long it takes for us to fuck Paris back from whence she came.

  4. KatieP

    *Clap* LOL Ricky Gervais is hilarious! Love his style and humor.

    Hahahaha, um… but seriously, England can keep Paris Hilton.

  5. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  6. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  7. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  8. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  9. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  10. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  11. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  12. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  13. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  14. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  15. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  16. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  17. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  18. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  19. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  20. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  21. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  22. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  23. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  24. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  25. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  26. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  27. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  28. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

  29. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  30. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  31. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  32. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  33. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  34. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  35. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  36. TRUTH

    THE PERSON KNOWN HERE AS “CONKY” WORKS FOR THE CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION THAT TRIES TO SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES AGAINST AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AT THIS POINT. WONDER WHAT “CONKY’S” REAL NAME IS. HE PROBABLY WOULD NOT WANT IT OUT AS MORE THAN LIKELY HE IS AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  37. GOD

    waow man that looks pretty serious, you should tell us some more cus its kinda weird but there’s just like NOBODY talking about it, or NO NEWS, just nothing about ur story ! & the girl is linked to a terrorist !!! LoL

  38. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES COMMITED AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  39. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES COMMITED AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  40. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES COMMITED AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  41. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES COMMITED AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

  42. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON’S CRIMINAL FATHER RICK HILTON EVEN GOT INVOLVED IN THE FEDERAL CRIMES IN MAY 2008 WHEN HE BRIBED SOMEONE AT THE ASSOCIATED PRESS TO BLOCK PARIS HILTON’S “SAVING THE DRUNK ELEPHANTS IN INDIA” STORY IN A DIRECT AND BLATANT ATTEMPT TO TRY AND SHIELD PARIS HILTON FROM FEDERAL PROSECUTION.

    LOOK FOR THE ARRESTS AND INCARCERATION OF THE 2 WICKED, WICKED, WICKED CRIMINALS PARIS HILTON AND RICK HILTON IN THE VERY NEAR AND COMING FUTURE.

    ALSO, THE WEB SITES PARIS HILTON ASKMEN.COM AND NICKY HILTON ASKMEN.COM CONTAIN ALLEGATIONS OF HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIME ON BOTH THE PARTS OF PARIS HILTON AND RICK HILTON GOING BACK TO MAY 2008.

    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

    ARLINGTON, TEXAS

    AGE: 32

  43. BRANDON M. WITTE

    PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY EVADING FEDERAL PROSECUTION FOR HEINOUS FEDERAL CRIMES COMMITED AGAINST MYSELF AND BRITNEY SPEARS.
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    SINCERELY, BRANDON M. WITTE

    ARLINGTON, TEXAS

    AGE: 32

  44. guestversion3000

    I think some people have failed to notice that this is a joke, and even if he doesn’t like Paris, he isn’t seriously suggesting this. (Though I assume if both countries agreed he’d be happy to see the plan go through)

    Point being: Why are there hate comments, and even more importantly, comments that sound genuinely serious about the whole issue? I guess some people like arguing but don’t have any knowledge on proper issues to argue about real things.

    I thought this was funny anyway, I like Gervais. Thanks for posting this.

  45. I second this plan, Victoria is an idiot but shes a silent idiot, just a step better

  46. Billy Blank

    I thought we kicked the British fucks out of this country a few hundred years ago. What the fuck is with this British invasion? These fucks aren’t funny, and their teeth are even worse. What the fuck is wrong with this country. We can’t put out a good host.

  47. Billy Blank

    I thought we kicked the British fucks out of this country a few hundred years ago. What the fuck is with this British invasion? These fucks aren’t funny, and their teeth are even worse. What the fuck is wrong with this country. We can’t put out a good host.

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