Richard Simmons says Jessica Simpson is 268 pounds

By: The Superficial / February 19, 2009

Richard Simmons understands Jessica Simpson is fat and, dammit, he wants to do something about it. But first he’s going to equate her with being a 268 pound behemoth. That should start the healing. Us Magazine reports:

“I was 268 pounds — I’ve been there,” the weight guru tells Entertainment Tonight.
“We eat for so many reasons,” Simmons says. “Most of the reasons are emotional.”
Us Weekly has reported Simpson packed on pounds because she’s insecure in her relationship with Tony Romo.
“We have to start liking ourselves more before we start taking better care of ourselves,” he goes on.
Simmons says “it’s just so tough to be exposed, and let people see you gain weight. I pray for all those celebrities who are having a really tough time,” he goes on.

So, basically Jessica Simpson eats because she’s insecure, but she’s insecure because she eats. You know how you break that cycle? Stripping. Let me lay it down for you:

1. It’s an immediate confidence builder. Otherwise, you become the shy dancer who doesn’t make any tips and ends up living behind the bowling alley with her cats. True story.
2. You can’t eat when you’re giving me a lap dance. Sure, I might let you have a bite of my chicken wings, but that comes out of your tip. I’m no Commie.

It’s post like this that make me wonder why I’m never invited on Oprah to empower women. It’s a shame, really.