Richard Gere: The Great North American Hogbody Caught on Camera

*steps on a twig*
“Oh shit, he’s spotted us – RUN!”
*Richard Gere lets out a bellowing roar and charges the photographer*

Sure, Richard Gere has faded into irrelevance in the past decade, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been embracing “the hog life” to the fullest extent. The splendor of nature has always fascinated me, so here he is basking and frolicking in the sun like a true alpha-hog.

What happened to Richard Gere, you ask? How did he out-Brendan Fraser Brendan fucking Fraser? According to Vanity Fair, it’s China’s fault.

China, the country that finances much of Hollywood these days. Not so coincidentally, it’s also the country that Gere—a practicing Tibetan Buddhist and longtime friend of the religion’s exiled leader, the Dalai Lama—infamously disparaged during the 1993 Oscars when he went off-script while presenting the art-direction category.

“There are definitely movies that I can’t be in because the Chinese will say, ‘Not with him,’” Gere tells The Hollywood Reporter in a new interview. “I recently had an episode where someone said they could not finance a film with me because it would upset the Chinese.”

Hollywood’s insistence on servicing Chye-nah’s dong with every tentpole is akin to that desperate kid trying to impress the popular kid by pretending to smoke cigarettes. I don’t feel bad for Richard Gere though, he’s free… free to run wild with other indigenous hogbodies of Los Padres National Forest, catching fish with his mouth and rubbing his back on his favorite rock…

You’re free, Richard… *whispers* you’re free