Seasons Greetings, Titty-Titty-Gun-Gun! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 2)
Welcome back to The Superficial review of Sarah Palin’s new book Good Tidings and Great Joy where her ghostwriter details the quitting governor’s thoughts on The War on Christmas, and why good Christians should fight back against liberals who are making sure our government doesn’t advocate a national religion like The Constitution says it shouldn’t. (Everyone knows the only real amendment is the second one anyway, amirite?) So here are two more chapters from “The Establishment Clause? How Does It Work?” written by the rootin’ tootin’est protector of Christmas in America for to you enjoy in the midst of Black Friday shopping and/or nestled safe and sound in your basement where you won’t get beaten for 70% off Pyrex. On a clear day, I can get the news in my knees…
2. KNOWING THE END FROM THE BEGINNING
In this chapter, a leather boots-wearing Sarah Palin always makes sure the local government in Wasilla puts up a Nativity scene while during her time as mayor in the 90s. Much like Going Rogue, this includes exchanges with townfolk that sound too syrupy, saccharine good to be true that naturally there’s no way to verify whether they did or didn’t happen. It’s her signature writing style:
“I don’t know how much longer we’ll get to do this,” he confided. “Cities are getting sued left and right for acknowledging the true meaning of Christmas nowadays. And the local politicians with the guts to to stand up to the protests are caving in like an Alyeska avalanche.”
I’d already heard the preemptive defense some of our Rotarians had prepared in case they needed to counter any criticism. It had become the hip thing that year across America to force anyone and everyone to abort Christ from Christmas. “Let me fight for you, Mr. Newcomb,” I said. “Tradition and truth are on our side. What’s the worst that can happen? Some yahoo from outside Alaska gets wind of this and sues? Shoot, no one ‘outside’ has even heard of Wasilla. Let’s do this, and be assured I have your back. I know you have mine.”
Did you catch all that? No one even knows where Wasilla is, so it’s perfectly okay to say fuck the Constitution and non-Christians under our little rock where no one will ever find them, muahahahaha. Put that arrow in your Sarah Palin’s Guide to Circumventing Decency Quiver alongside this next gem: About to get sued for your Nativity scene? Throw some Rudolph in that shit and, BOOM, secular holiday display.. defeating all the words she already wrote and will write about how that’s bad. But whatevs! And if that doesn’t work, sue the bastards which flies in complete contradiction to the previous chapter where Sarah Palin complains about lawsuits. Although, she does have a point because there are okay odds that some circuit judge will not only let you keep your Nativity scene, but also won’t make you put up other religious symbols in a spirit of inclusion because, c’mon, Kwanzaa? That sounds made up.
As to the point of all this, if we don’t stop atheists now – and this is Sarah Palin’s actual, 100% point – America will become Soviet Russia because atheism always cause bad shit to happen while Christianity always causes good shit. There is absolutely zero historical evidence that can refute that. None. And don’t even bring up the Spanish Inquisition because Sarah Palin will tell you atheism’s track record makes it “seem like Disneyland.” The good part with all the rides, I’ll assume she means, and not Epcot with all the science and learning. That’s a recipe for Communist chili, you betcha.
3. THE REAL THING
I’ll give Sarah Palin(‘s ghostwriter) this. She knows how to paint the picture of a quintessential Christmas. I grew up in the woods of northeastern Pennsylvania, so whenever someone starts talking about snow-covered trees and pastries on Christmas morning I get a nostalgia boner. I’m not gonna lie. I had great Christmases as a kid even while being in every Christmas pageant at our church, and sitting through Christmas Eve service with my cousins just waiting to go back to my house to meet my grandparents (They went to a different Presbyterian church that they’d gone to for decades the next town over.) for meatballs and crab dip while going apeshit over what loot we might get the next morning. And as much as I enjoyed these Christmases, and still have fond memories of them and the traditions I’ll carry on with my own family, I would never even think to force someone to look at them and say this is the only good and right way to spend December because I grasp the concept that other cultures exist and am also not a dick.
Sarah Palin is a dick.
Because her Christmases are snow-covered Norman Rockwellian affairs steeped in Evangelical Christianity, why shouldn’t the government force everyone to observe the symbol of her religion in tax-funded schools and buildings? Have you tasted her cinnamon buns?! They’ll make you toss Hanukkah in an oven. (Poor choice of words.) Even worse than Sarah’s logic and lack of concern for other cultures who, by the why, she’ll point out are still free to “hum songs of gratitude to Mother Earth while taking turns hugging bark on December 25″ (actual quote) or whatever those “other” religions do, is her understanding of history. And here’s where you get to see the mental gymnastics involved in reconciling known, indisputable facts about the origins of Christianity with your worldview that its magic is totally real, you guys. Sarah Palin argues, if all those ancient Pagan myths and symbols were so great, why was it so easy for Christianity to steal them for Christmas and become the main religion of Rome? Clearly, real live supernatural forces triumphed here, and not, oh I dunno, the vast weight of empire that decided, “Hey, we’re doing this now and you’ll like it.” Or in Sarah Palin’s words:
Does that mean Christians won the “war on Saturnalia”? You bet.
Later, Ulysses S. Grant made Christmas a holiday because as Sarah points out:
In this country, our federal holiday does not honor the agricultural gods of Rome or the pagan rituals of the winter solstice.
Which sounds reasonable because she’s only mentioning those goofy pagans Christianity stole a bunch of their shit from and not say Islam, Buddhism, Judiasm, Sikhism, or any other religions that a vast amount of Americans subscribe to who she’s basically telling to eat a dick because, c’mon, Christmas is AWESOME. How can you not love it? Plus it’s totally based on history because there was a guy named Jesus who was born while his parents were traveling back to their hometown because of a census even though there’s no historical record of said census taking place, nor were people required to return to their origin of their birth during them because that makes no fucking sense. But magic powers beat the pagans! PEW PEW PEW!
From there, Sarah Palin points that since America has a federal holiday for Christmas, that makes it a genuine historical event that everyone has to get on board with and stop saying “Happy Holidays” starting with the private sector she loves so much who took until the mid-2000s realized, “Hey, wait a minute, other religions but shit, too?” and through the beauty of the free market that Sarah also loves, they stopped mentioning Christmas specifically in December. Including her beloved Walmart, where dontcha know, she once married a couple as mayor. And it’s amazing that she’s bringing this up because here’s what Sarah Palin wrote in the introduction:
The pundits like to pretend that anyone who belongs to the “Christmas with Christ” version is picking a fight over a nonexistent problem. They trivialize the topic by reducing the whole issue to whether the cashier at the grocery store wishes customers “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” They say it’s about whether the kids’ two weeks off in December is called Winter or Christmas break.
THIS IS EVERYTHING SHE BITCHES ABOUT IN THE WHOLE CHAPTER. Because by secularizing Christmas, you take out Jesus, and without Jesus, we’d all be assholes murdering each other in the streets because Christianity is the only way anyone in the history of the world has had a moral compass. Who’s to say what’s wrong without a book telling us it’s shellfish. Shellfish is wrong. What’s that shrimp is delicious? Okay, then just stick the one about gays. And part of that secularization involves commercialization which Sarah Palin rails against by pointing out the lack of the word of Christmas in holiday ads. Bad, commercialization, bad. Sarah Palin doesn’t like what you’re doing to the Baby Jesus.
Or does she and clearly has no idea what the hell’s even in this thing because she didn’t write it? From her TODAY appearance on November 11:
This morning, Palin, while hawking her book, told Matt Lauer, “I love the commercialization of Christmas, because it spreads the Christmas cheer.”
Nnnehhh… ggehhh… nnneennnnh…