Seasons Greetings, Titty-Titty-Gun-Gun! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 2)

November 29th, 2013 // 71 Comments
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Welcome back to The Superficial review of Sarah Palin‘s new book Good Tidings and Great Joy where her ghostwriter details the quitting governor’s thoughts on The War on Christmas, and why good Christians should fight back against liberals who are making sure our government doesn’t advocate a national religion like The Constitution says it shouldn’t. (Everyone knows the only real amendment is the second one anyway, amirite?) So here are two more chapters from “The Establishment Clause? How Does It Work?” written by the rootin’ tootin’est protector of Christmas in America for to you enjoy in the midst of Black Friday shopping and/or nestled safe and sound in your basement where you won’t get beaten for 70% off Pyrex. On a clear day, I can get the news in my knees…

2. KNOWING THE END FROM THE BEGINNING

In this chapter, a leather boots-wearing Sarah Palin always makes sure the local government in Wasilla puts up a Nativity scene while during her time as mayor in the 90s. Much like Going Rogue, this includes exchanges with townfolk that sound too syrupy, saccharine good to be true that naturally there’s no way to verify whether they did or didn’t happen. It’s her signature writing style:

“I don’t know how much longer we’ll get to do this,” he confided. “Cities are getting sued left and right for acknowledging the true meaning of Christmas nowadays. And the local politicians with the guts to to stand up to the protests are caving in like an Alyeska avalanche.”
I’d already heard the preemptive defense some of our Rotarians had prepared in case they needed to counter any criticism. It had become the hip thing that year across America to force anyone and everyone to abort Christ from Christmas. “Let me fight for you, Mr. Newcomb,” I said. “Tradition and truth are on our side. What’s the worst that can happen? Some yahoo from outside Alaska gets wind of this and sues? Shoot, no one ‘outside’ has even heard of Wasilla. Let’s do this, and be assured I have your back. I know you have mine.”

Did you catch all that? No one even knows where Wasilla is, so it’s perfectly okay to say fuck the Constitution and non-Christians under our little rock where no one will ever find them, muahahahaha. Put that arrow in your Sarah Palin’s Guide to Circumventing Decency Quiver alongside this next gem: About to get sued for your Nativity scene? Throw some Rudolph in that shit and, BOOM, secular holiday display.. defeating all the words she already wrote and will write about how that’s bad. But whatevs! And if that doesn’t work, sue the bastards which flies in complete contradiction to the previous chapter where Sarah Palin complains about lawsuits. Although, she does have a point because there are okay odds that some circuit judge will not only let you keep your Nativity scene, but also won’t make you put up other religious symbols in a spirit of inclusion because, c’mon, Kwanzaa? That sounds made up.

As to the point of all this, if we don’t stop atheists now – and this is Sarah Palin’s actual, 100% point – America will become Soviet Russia because atheism always cause bad shit to happen while Christianity always causes good shit. There is absolutely zero historical evidence that can refute that. None. And don’t even bring up the Spanish Inquisition because Sarah Palin will tell you atheism’s track record makes it “seem like Disneyland.” The good part with all the rides, I’ll assume she means, and not Epcot with all the science and learning. That’s a recipe for Communist chili, you betcha.

3. THE REAL THING

I’ll give Sarah Palin(‘s ghostwriter) this. She knows how to paint the picture of a quintessential Christmas. I grew up in the woods of northeastern Pennsylvania, so whenever someone starts talking about snow-covered trees and pastries on Christmas morning I get a nostalgia boner. I’m not gonna lie. I had great Christmases as a kid even while being in every Christmas pageant at our church, and sitting through Christmas Eve service with my cousins just waiting to go back to my house to meet my grandparents (They went to a different Presbyterian church that they’d gone to for decades the next town over.) for meatballs and crab dip while going apeshit over what loot we might get the next morning. And as much as I enjoyed these Christmases, and still have fond memories of them and the traditions I’ll carry on with my own family, I would never even think to force someone to look at them and say this is the only good and right way to spend December because I grasp the concept that other cultures exist and am also not a dick.

Sarah Palin is a dick.

Because her Christmases are snow-covered Norman Rockwellian affairs steeped in Evangelical Christianity, why shouldn’t the government force everyone to observe the symbol of her religion in tax-funded schools and buildings? Have you tasted her cinnamon buns?! They’ll make you toss Hanukkah in an oven. (Poor choice of words.) Even worse than Sarah’s logic and lack of concern for other cultures who, by the why, she’ll point out are still free to “hum songs of gratitude to Mother Earth while taking turns hugging bark on December 25″ (actual quote) or whatever those “other” religions do, is her understanding of history. And here’s where you get to see the mental gymnastics involved in reconciling known, indisputable facts about the origins of Christianity with your worldview that its magic is totally real, you guys. Sarah Palin argues, if all those ancient Pagan myths and symbols were so great, why was it so easy for Christianity to steal them for Christmas and become the main religion of Rome? Clearly, real live supernatural forces triumphed here, and not, oh I dunno, the vast weight of empire that decided, “Hey, we’re doing this now and you’ll like it.” Or in Sarah Palin’s words:

Does that mean Christians won the “war on Saturnalia”? You bet.

Later, Ulysses S. Grant made Christmas a holiday because as Sarah points out:

In this country, our federal holiday does not honor the agricultural gods of Rome or the pagan rituals of the winter solstice.

Which sounds reasonable because she’s only mentioning those goofy pagans Christianity stole a bunch of their shit from and not say Islam, Buddhism, Judiasm, Sikhism, or any other religions that a vast amount of Americans subscribe to who she’s basically telling to eat a dick because, c’mon, Christmas is AWESOME. How can you not love it? Plus it’s totally based on history because there was a guy named Jesus who was born while his parents were traveling back to their hometown because of a census even though there’s no historical record of said census taking place, nor were people required to return to their origin of their birth during them because that makes no fucking sense. But magic powers beat the pagans! PEW PEW PEW!

From there, Sarah Palin points that since America has a federal holiday for Christmas, that makes it a genuine historical event that everyone has to get on board with and stop saying “Happy Holidays” starting with the private sector she loves so much who took until the mid-2000s realized, “Hey, wait a minute, other religions but shit, too?” and through the beauty of the free market that Sarah also loves, they stopped mentioning Christmas specifically in December. Including her beloved Walmart, where dontcha know, she once married a couple as mayor. And it’s amazing that she’s bringing this up because here’s what Sarah Palin wrote in the introduction:

The pundits like to pretend that anyone who belongs to the “Christmas with Christ” version is picking a fight over a nonexistent problem. They trivialize the topic by reducing the whole issue to whether the cashier at the grocery store wishes customers “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” They say it’s about whether the kids’ two weeks off in December is called Winter or Christmas break.

THIS IS EVERYTHING SHE BITCHES ABOUT IN THE WHOLE CHAPTER. Because by secularizing Christmas, you take out Jesus, and without Jesus, we’d all be assholes murdering each other in the streets because Christianity is the only way anyone in the history of the world has had a moral compass. Who’s to say what’s wrong without a book telling us it’s shellfish. Shellfish is wrong. What’s that shrimp is delicious? Okay, then just stick the one about gays. And part of that secularization involves commercialization which Sarah Palin rails against by pointing out the lack of the word of Christmas in holiday ads. Bad, commercialization, bad. Sarah Palin doesn’t like what you’re doing to the Baby Jesus.

Or does she and clearly has no idea what the hell’s even in this thing because she didn’t write it? From her TODAY appearance on November 11:

This morning, Palin, while hawking her book, told Matt Lauer, “I love the commercialization of Christmas, because it spreads the Christmas cheer.”

Nnnehhh… ggehhh… nnneennnnh…

F*ck Me In The Solstice, Why Did I Do This? A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 3)

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. Site is more fun when it focuses on Tits, Ass, Upskirts.

  2. David Hasselhoff

    tl;dr

  3. Sarah Palin can eat all the dicks.

  4. Almighty_Mithras

    I can’t wait for the religious lunatics to come out of the woodwork again to tell us about the One True Religion, and how everything that came before it that the One True Religion ripped off were just Satan’s deceptions.

    Mullah Palin needs to be set afloat on an ice floe. I’m sure the “power of jebus” will protect her.

    • I’m Christian and I don’t think the way Sarah Palin does at all. I like that in this country there is more diversity of religions and I enjoy seeing it throughout the year.. Just because this stupid woman wrote a book does not mean she represents how all Christians think.

    • Mike Walker

      >I can’t wait for the religious lunatics to come out of the woodwork
      >again to tell us about the One True Religion, and how everything that
      >came before it that the One True Religion ripped off were just Satan’s
      >deceptions.

      Muslims?

      • Rhett

        Nope. Islam acknowledges the divine origin of previous religions such as Judaism and Christianity. Calls Jews and Christians “People of the Book.” Study what happened historically when Muslims took over Christian areas such as Spain, Turkey and Palestine. Jews and Christians allowed to worship freely and houses of worship protected. When Christians took over Muslim areas during the Spanish Reconquista, Jews and Muslims had to convert or die, ending 800 years of religious tolerance in Spain under Islam. When the Crusaders took Jerusalem in 1099 from the Muslims, they killed everyone, including Jews and Arab Christians. When Muslim king Saladin defeated the Crusaders 1189, he restored Jews to Palestine and protected Christians, physically defending the Church of the Holy Sepulchre from a mob seeking revenge on Christians fro their atrocities. Christians love to project their own ugliness on to Islam, but history speaks for itself.

      • joe

        yah, I suggest you look around you. Fighting wars and arguing over what may or may not have happened 700 years ago when none of us was around, and history is written through the jaundice of whoever is writing it, seems pointless. The only people *I see* acting like murderous barbarians and beheading people are those same folks you’re trying to tell me are wonderfully tolerant of everyone. Sorry, I’m not buying. You can resettle if you want to, though, you have my blessing.

      • Dox

        Murderous, eh?
        Ever wonder what might drive that kind of hate. Like maybe say, if another country came into the United States and managed to fund a group that deposed the lawfully elected president. Then, installed a puppet figure (run by their intelligence agency) who instituted brutal reforms and oppression, while completely raping our national resources, selling it the asshats that helped fund his little tin kingdom, and then proceeded to force the vast majority of America to live in absolute squalor for 38 years while your kids, and grandkids, and mom, and pops died due to preventable disease, and your friends were carted away….

        How long would it take for you to get over that?
        Would you ever trust the country that did that?
        What if that country then started wars with your neighbors?

        How bout you take five minutes and educate yourself to the fact that Iran suffered for four goddamn decades under a brutal regime that was installed, and supported by your goddamn government. Furthermore, how bout you figure the fuck out, that United States also installed and supported Saddam Hussein in Iraq, even after he dropped freaking nerve agents on the Kurds. Yeah, not a swinging dick in congress gave a shit about that. But suddenly he’s number one bad guy.

        Your ignorance of history is only paralleled by your complete lack of understanding of other cultures.

        Hear me. I mean really fucking hear me.
        Muslims don’t want to destroy this country. They want to be left the fuck alone, so they can actually build their own country. They want to be able to fucking defend their country when some oversized bully comes sniffing around and attempts to meddle in their affairs.

        And if you honestly think that’s unreasonable, then you have a serious case of divine rule and need to get that looked at. Seriously. It can lead to genocide… or yeast infections.

      • joe

        Dox,
        thanks for your history lesson. Fact is, all this is just the latest round of reasons these people will give you for slitting your throat while you sleep. As long as you refrain from joining their Allah Ackbars you are on the list of those they plan to annihilate. Stay thirsty, my friend. And sleep with one eye open. No one has been able to get along with these people ever. But maybe you’ll be the exception, after all, you’re enlightened.

      • Mike Walker

        >the fact that Iran suffered for four goddamn decades under a brutal
        >regime that was installed, and supported by your goddamn government.

        Point taken, but, what’s their excuse for the past 30 years? Not enough level headed moderates to revolt?

        > What if that country then started wars with your neighbors?

        The neighbor that previously attacked them, resulting in an 8 year war with hundreds of thousands dead?

      • As hard as it might be for your little brain to grasp, those people you see committing acts of terror? *Aren’t representative of the religion as a whole,* any more than women’s clinic bombers or the Westboro Baptist Church represent all Christians. As it turns out, assholes are given a lot more global attention than boring peaceful people.

      • joe

        Thanks for my cranial measurement. Your evaluation is very meaningful for me. Maybe the mooslim faith truly is the “religion of peace” and the madmen we hear so much about ” *Aren’t representative of the religion as a whole,* as you so succinctly put it, but since the other, oh, 99% don’t seem eager to clear the perception that someone like me, say, (weak minded as I am) is likely to conclude that they are all a bunch of nuts or to condemn those 1% that are off tilt, then I will continue to believe, as politically incorrect it may be, that these folks by and large desire to kill us all, me first, then you. They’ll wait to kill you, of course because you won’t mind watching them kill me.

      • Christians, by and large, seem content to let the Tea Party crazies steal the spotlight. By your logic, that means that all Christians are actually that bad.

      • joe

        Are they all crazy? No. I’ve known at least one muslim who was a very nice man, so given the numbers of them, I’m sure there are more. Even assuming the majority of world wide muslims are reasonable and calm (and that’s possibly a stretch) those are cowed into silence and into a go-along get-along posture by the loons who would just as soon blow them away too. Numbers notwithstanding, it only takes one to take my only modestly secured head off my shoulders. THAT’S the guy I concern myself with. And given the population numbers of crazy muslims (modestly figured at 100 million), that leaves maybe 2 for every man woman and child. So actually, I worry about my 2. Yours, not so much.

        Listen guys, I really didn’t intend to get into any flame wars. I get it, many of you suffer from american guilt and an abundance of caution when it comes to *offending* anyone (the capital crime of our time). I happen to think that even given the occasional wart, our system of government and the free market have, on balance, blessed far more than it has cursed. We aren’t perfect, and have made mistakes both here and abroad. We should strive to do better. But none of our crimes has risen to the level that some would deem themselves those who would give us our come-up-ence especially with a saw blade. Don’t forget, slavery still exists, even among those whose feathers we have apparently badly ruffled. They should take the log out of their eye before they try to take the speck out of ours.

      • Mike Walker

        Groan… same old revisionist BS. Let me start by saying that my comment was merely a snarky response to an ambiguous statement that could apply to intolerants of either faith.

        >Nope. Islam acknowledges the divine origin of previous religions such as Judaism
        >and Christianity. Calls Jews and Christians “People of the Book.”

        Islam? Muslims are the interpreters of islam and many of them aren’t as accomodating as you’d like to think. They’re not swayed by some shallow approval of christians in the koran. Consider the plight of modern-day christians in muslim dominant countries as an example. Churches aren’t allowed in Saudi Arabia, neither are bibles or crosses. Christians can’t worship openly and aren’t given citizenship. Name a christian dominant country that has restrictions on muslims remotely like that.

        >Study what happened historically when Muslims took over Christian areas such as
        >Spain, Turkey and Palestine. Jews and Christians allowed to worship freely and
        >houses of worship protected.

        Of course, you’re conveniently ignoring that the muslims were a militant force that aggressively invaded and conquered these lands to begin with. It’s like complimenting your rapist for using lube. The idea that the armies of islam invaded the entire middle east, north africa and spain to spread islam with the intent to allow everyone to retain their religion is laughable. As it says in the koran about jihad: “And fight them until there is no Fitnah (mischief), and total obedience becomes for Allah.” Lets also not forget they took millions of slaves from conquered lands in Africa and raided the southern coast of Europe for centuries, taking over a million people as slaves, who were generally forced to convert. Such benevolent masters, these muslims.

        At best, non-muslims had dhimmi status in those lands and there were restrictions on worship/religious expression, social/political involvement, limited occupation opportunities as well as a special dhimmi taxe (jizya). This created a passive inducement to self-convert, by giving preferential treatement to muslims and treating non-muslims like second class citizens. This, along with military attacks against rebellious, non-converting factions, helped to gradually make islam the dominant religion in those areas.

        >When Christians took over Muslim areas during the Spanish Reconquista,
        >Jews and Muslims had to convert or die,

        They had the choice of leaving as well. That’s what happens when you collude with an invading force.

        >ending 800 years of religious tolerance in Spain under Islam.

        The Almohads would disagree.

        >When the Crusaders took Jerusalem in 1099 from the Muslims, they killed
        >everyone, including Jews and Arab Christians.

        “everyone”… lol… up to their ankles in rivers of blood, shurely?! There are many contradictory accounts of that battle from the period, most embellished for political reasons. Many were killed, no doubt, maybe even a majority of the people that lived there. It was a single battle fought by a frustrated, battle weary, paid militia for a city that had been taken by force many times before. Probably wasn’t that out of the ordinary for the period. There weren’t many Christians left either, since they had been expelled beforehand.

        >Christians love to project their own ugliness on to Islam,
        >but history speaks for itself.

        Actually, history is spoken by writers, from differing vantage points and with inherent cultural biases, and is a little more nuanced than pre-fab talking points from muslim apologists. Reading about the various arabic sources of information on the siege of jerusalem, how local ethnic divisions and extant politics shaped the reports and how they changed over the years is testament to how difficult it is to paint a proper picture of these ancient events. Comparing marauding armies from a thousand years ago is a red herring anyway, and has little bearing on modern concerns.

  5. Sarah Palin is an embarassment to intelligent women in America. Conservative or Liberal, we should all be horrified that this moron was in a position to be our vice president. How the f*ck did that happen?? And now she just will not go away. If China dropped a nuke on us today, the only things left would be cockroaches, Twinkies and Sarah Palin. And guns. Don’t forget guns. For all that is holy, I think I’m becoming a Liberal the closer I get to 40….
    Also, thanks for providing me some entertainment today, Fish. I’m one of the 10 (out of about 100) people stuck in a cube today in my building at work.

    • Dox

      So here’s a Christmas story to entertain and delight you. Consider this my early present to you, on this most auspicious of days when you are forced to place your proverbial nose to the grindstone as the rest of us float lazily on a river alcohol, clutching madly to a raft made of turkey and yams. (I really love yams.)

      Little known fact about Dox. He (god help me, Im referring to myself in the third person.) worked as an EMT for about a decade in the city of Las Vegas. During that time, I spent every holiday working. (mostly because I lack holiday cheer, better to give the day off to someone with something to live for.)

      However, on one of those merry days, my partner (whom shall be only referred to as X, to protect what tiny amount of dignity they posses to remain) and I sat in the Northwest section of town. By Northwest I mean, there wasn’t pretty lights, and glitzy places… but mostly dirt, rocks, coyotes (who sing beautifully at night incidentally, but that dear friend, is another story.) and the occasional human being living on the fringes of the city. It was, a perfect reward for a grueling evening of holiday accidents, domestic disputes, and wanton murder. (well, maybe wanton murder is pushing it, but who the hell shoots someone on Christmas eve of all days?)

      X was sitting in the front of the truck, while I dragged ass into the back, and curled up on the recently bleached all to hell cot in the back. Having suffered through another excruciating holiday season, I was ready to rest my head and dream of that cute little Japanese RN that worked in (redacted) ER. Soon I drifted off to the land of latex bodysuits, and Crisco while the song “its getting hot in here” ran through my head.

      My blissful dreams of hot monkey love were soon interrupted by the simultaneous sound of my pager, the radio, several sirens, the horn going off.

      Groaning, I didn’t even bother to open my eyes as I cursed every single dispatcher that had ever completely horked my downtime and tried to get up to head to the passenger seat.

      Except I couldn’t.

      Which is when I noticed.

      It was damn cold out. I mean really damn cold.

      Fighting down a little bit of panic, I cracked open one eye…. Or tried to rather. It felt gummed shut. My hand reached up to brush against it, which is when I noticed they too were immobile and I began to wonder if we had somehow gotten plowed into by an errant, intoxicated driver. (Sadly, it happens. To me, it happened three times. While on duty.)

      With herculean strength, I managed to pry my eyes open. Which is when I noticed my supervisor standing over me. (We shall refer to him as grumpy old bastard.)

      Grumpy old bastard smiled down at me, all full of cloying smug light, and spoke in his raspy, whiskey dented voice.

      “You’re awake.”
      “What the…” I muttered as my teeth chattered.

      X’s face peered over top of my head, as his lips split into that boyish grin of his. That was never good.

      “Merry Xmas Dox.” (Name changed to protect my honor. pfft. Like I have any.)

      Which is when I heard a smattering of voices all around me, all chatting away conversationally.

      X leaned over with his trauma sheers and cut the bindings on my head, which is when I noticed the saline bag he had on the IV pole… that he had taped to drip on my forehead….. gumming my eyes shut and giving me a unicorn like salt deposit dead center of my forehead. (A really really really old practical joke. Like, God did it to Jesus old.)

      “Really dude?” I grumbled, and raised my head up, finally noticing an entire fire company, three dispatchers, and two other crews gathered around me.

      Which is when I finally looked down, realizing they had used Kerlex to completely cocoon me to the cot, covered me with a plastic table cloth, and were currently serving snacks and drinks off my body. And not in a schmexy, hot naked chick covered in sushi way.

      “Tablecloth?” I muttered slightly incoherently. (Never let it be said I don’t focus on what’s important in a situation.)

      “Well, if we had realized you had more fur than most yeti’s we would have brought clippers. But as it was, the razor’s went dull after your head.” Grumpy old bastard smiled at me sweetly.

      And that is how I spent Christmas being used as a snack tray for my coworkers. Best. Christmas. Ever.

      On a side note, it only took me six months before I got my hair and eyebrows to grow back correctly.

      Life lessons of the story:
      1) Always sleep lightly around coworkers.
      2) When someone puts their coffee near your crotch, try not to move too much.
      3) Tablecloths really do keep body hair out of cheese logs.
      4) Sometimes being the butt of a joke isn’t so bad.
      5) Never be afraid to give of yourself on Christmas day. Even if it means being mostly naked in the middle of a deserted lot, safely hidden from the public eye by a circle of Fire Trucks, and Rigs.

      And that… is the spirit of Xmas.
      I know, because little Fae Leprechauns apprenticed to Tiamet told me so.

      • hahahaha very nice. “Tablecloths really do keep body hair out of cheese logs.” made me almost snort I laughed so hard. ;-)

      • cc

        This story made me think of eating off of naked woman, Japanese style. Oatmeal cookies off of Candice Swanepoel, to be precise. Curse you.

      • Dox

        Imagine that….

        but with a forest of body hair.
        And a shaved head.
        And no eyebrows.

        Now get that image out of your head the next time you get ready for wild freaky sex night with your sig other. (Unless of course it turns you on, in which case… by all means, just call my name out at least once.)

  6. her next book is called “the untold truth about god in liberal quantum physics in the amercan family and amercan amerca”.
    cant wait.

  7. Eddie

    You should do more reviews such as this…Funny, thoughtful and relevant. You write good. I like the T and A like any dude. But shit, we the readers can do with some more brain food. After geekness, movies and bikinis, now it’s time for a political jizzfest.

  8. Sarah Palin got fucked by Glen Rice!

  9. In this country, our federal holiday does not honor the agricultural gods of Rome or the pagan rituals of the winter solstice.

    What the 1870 federal holiday law honored was the desire of federal employees to have the same days off that state employees were getting. Because when an overwhelmingly Christian workforce all want the same day off, it kind of makes sense to give it to them. And it wasn’t just Christmas: that law also made federal holidays out of New Year’s Day, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of July. So: the birth of Christ; the day of America’s Independence; that time the Indians invited English settlers to a meal because the settlers couldn’t figure out how to farm the land yet; the day our calendar changes like the odometer on a car—all of equal importance, to follow Palin’s logic of how that 1870 law canonized the underlying purpose of federal holidays. Not to mention: this truly Christian nation took nearly 100 years of its existence to say, “Hey, our government employees get Christmas off.” And actually longer, because the 1870 law only applied to the District of Columbia; Congress didn’t extend the law to federal employees around the country until 1885.

    • Actually, that “give the overwhelmingly Christian workforce the day off they all want” reminds me of something else. When I was going to public school in New York City in the 1970s and ’80s, a significant proportion of the city’s teachers were Jewish. Probably not a majority—I’m thinking it might have been about a third—but definitely enough that if they all took off for the days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, there wouldn’t be enough substitutes (Gentile substitutes, that is) to fill in for them. That’s why NYC public schools are closed for the Jewish High Holy Days. Does that mean New York officially acknowledges Judaism as paramount, or recognizes the year 5774 and not 2013? Did rabbinical councils agitate for the schools to close down on those days? Of course not. The city merely recognized a reality and responded it to pragmatically.

  10. andie

    On behalf of all of us who woke up with a hangover and newsfeed full of 2am Walmart selfies, thank you for this.

    • Dox

      Only in America would you find a group of people so enamored with themselves that they think people really want to see pictures of themselves in a Walmart Parking lot at 2 am.

      And honestly, how can someone be nostalgic about waiting in a parking lot all night so they can buy something on the cheap? Is that really a moment of pride and happiness that anyone would want to remember?

      “And here’s me and Marge in the Walmart parking lot. Poor Marge never did get over the lung fever she picked up while waiting for that great deal on a Plasma Screen. But hey, at least she got to enjoy it for her last six months while choking to death on her own spit.”

      And that’s a true Christmas story.
      Now hang your stockings kids, and lets pray that Dad doesn’t get stiff armed into a furby display again this year. He never has been completely right since….

      • cc

        Funny things is, the torrent of squabbles was already making it’s way onto youtube etc. when I got up this morning. Exactly as predicted.

  11. Dox

    *cracks knuckles*

    Let the comments begin.

  12. cc

    I particularly enjoy that picture of Sarah Palin, because it really captures how infantile and petty she is.

    Obesity is a huge problem, and it was an attempt to address it (obesity contributes a staggering amount to our healthcare costs) and you also have to consider that changing people’s consumption voluntarily is extremely difficult. Also, she should evaluate what Mr. Bloomberg has accomplished in life relative to what she has done.

    In short, what you see is hack making a petty joke at the expense of someone far more accomplished than her who was making an honest attempt at solving a real problem.

    • Dox

      I used to live on Coca Cola. And I mean that, quite literally. From when I strolled in on my shift, to when I finally curled up safe and snug in my little bed at home, I was drinking the stuff. I was doing so without really understanding or even caring what I was putting in my body… because after all, I am immortal…

      or was that immoral. I always forget.

      Anyways, lets fast forward.

      After…. years…. maybe a decade of living on it, my body finally had enough. In my defense I was attempting to quit drinking soda all together when this happened, but its not as easy as you might think. Your body becomes addicted to the high levels of sugar and caffeine.

      At any rate, I finally quit. Sort of. And that’s when my body had enough.

      My blood sugar shot up to 652. Now most people might just say.. wow, sucks for you. What you fail to understand is that by drinking soda in excessive amounts you will eventually wind up on this exact same road, with this exact same outcome. Let me save you the trouble, and just tell you what to expect.

      First you start to smell weird. Sweet. Sickly sweet. That’s the nicest symptom of them all. That’s the precursor. Its the warning sign, and you ignore it at your own peril. Then comes the constant urination, thirst and defecation. This your body’s attempt to dump the sugar, as fast as possible before it reaches a critical point. Its not fun, sucking down a gallon of water a day, and peeing every three minutes. But still, mostly nuisance not really that bad yet.

      Now comes the fun part.
      Vomiting, followed by hunger, followed by vomiting. All mixed together with nausea.

      You see, at this point all the peeing, and crapping hasn’t worked and your body is getting desperate. So it forces you to eat something, dumps all the sugar it can into the mixture, and then kicks it the fuck out. At high speeds. With frequency.

      Now it starts to suck. Badly.

      Since your body cant control the amount of sugar in your blood stream, its ultimately a futile gesture. Now comes the scary shit. You start having trouble breathing. I don’t mean “I have a chest cold” trouble.

      I mean, sitting, absolutely motionless, bent over, tripod position, begging to be able to breathe. Now your body is reaching the point where things get really bad.

      Like coma and death bad.

      That right there, is Ketoacidosis…. Type 2 Diabetes, adult onset. Generally brought about by eating too much of the wrong kinds of foods, for too long. In other words, I did it to my dumbass self. Because I knew better. Because I knew, I mean knew that I didn’t need nobody telling me anything.

      So. Hospital. IV fluids. Short acting insulin. Metformin 500 mg, standard, a trip to a doctor, A1C test, more medications, still sick, then insulin (although, truthfully, mine was something of a severe case.)… So I got to stick needles into my body for fun. Yay me.

      And then… two months later, hypoglycemia. Bad. Like in the low 30′s, completely confused, yammering at people about the most bizarre shit, until someone called EMS or my sugar hit zero and then its game over.

      So fast forward another month, I cant take any of the medication anymore because my body decided it still loves me, and began to regulate my sugar.

      Nobody can explain to me why. Other than I was ingesting huge amounts of sugar for a long time, and when I quit, it caused my body to go into some sort of shock. Sounds shaky to me, but it beats my explanation….

      That Palin gremlins were invading my body, bypassing the tinfoil, and working directly against my pancreas, which was attempting to fight an interdimensional war against the sugar demons of the planet Zythros.

      So the moral of the story…. Soda is actually not good for you. Sure, you can drink it in moderation, but most people don’t really have the faintest idea what they are putting in their bodies….

      Like, did you know High Fructose Corn Syrup, is in almost every drink known to man, from soda, to juice, to freakin milk….

      At any rate, I’m not one that says you need to legislate choice. But lets be real here, people. Most of us are willfully ignorant.

      Take it for what its worth.

      • cc

        Thank you for posting this. A friend went through a very similar experience. In Canada the large bottles are 1.5L and he was downing two a day (an American gallon is 3.8L). Like you, he was putting on weight and felt like shit mentally and physically. He tried to go cold turkey and things went south pretty quickly. I don’t know everything he had to do, but I do know that at one point he spent 3 weeks on Tylenol 3 followed by another 3 weeks on Extra Strength Tylenol just to deal with the headaches he was experiencing..

      • I’m looking forward to the vitamin and salad police, because people just don’t want to do what you know is good for them.

      • Dox

        -Liam-
        Completely not advocating a fascist state. However, most people aren’t even aware of what they are putting in their bodies. I wasn’t, and Im willing to bet most other people aren’t too. After all, why should they?

        At least until something goes wrong. Then, like me, some people become experts on it. (I use the term expert very loosely here.)
        Im all for choice. I would say educate yourself though. After that, if you still want to scarf McDoubles while sucking down a four gallon soda. Knock yourself out.

        Doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

      • Dox

        Most people argue with me about this, but there are very real side effects to cutting your sugar intake down. I mean, realistically people have to realize that we live in a world that pretty much packs sugar into every food product it makes. And if its not sugar, its some bastardized, evil corporate version of sugar that directly attacks your ability to get an erection.

        Did I say erection, I meant insurrection… or something. Yeah, moving right along.

        If you quite sugar, expect head aches. Nasty ones too. Migraine style, throbbing head aches that will go away instantly if you ingest sugar. (Which is absolutely diabolical.) Annnnnd, which are compound if you are quitting caffeine at the same time. I pity people doing that. Been there, done that, got the t shirt, tattoo, and home game.

        With that comes the listlessness. Feeling completely exhausted as your body adjusts to a normal level of sugar.

        Some of the benefits of monitoring/lowering sugar and caffeine include… the ability to sleep, the ability to not die from ketoacidosis, not getting Type 2 Diabetes before the age of 40, weight loss (if you actually do nothing more than monitor your sugar intake you lose assloads of weight. Yes, assloads is a measurement now. I just created that shit baby. ZING!), and…. this is the kicker… EMOTIONAL STABILITY.

        Yeah, no shit. Sugar and caffeine will actual cause your emotional state to shift wildly. You will feel… calmer. I have absolutely no medical data to back that up, but…. its out there. Mostly because otherwise I just pulled that from my ass.

        Anyways, the beautiful thing about the United States is you get to make your own choices. And with eight billion people, if a person wants to live on nothing but soda… they can knock themselves out. Trust me, we got tons more where they came from.

        Was that a little cold? It felt cold.

  13. I never even would have heard about this stupid book if it hadn’t been posted on this site. That’s what annoys me. All the search engine optimization her crappy book is getting out of these posts.

  14. Convex

    Sarah Palin is too easy a target; I am somehow disappointed that Fish took the easy way out.

  15. When Fish gives equal time to drone death lists, the current traitor-in-chief having lied about damned near everything he ever had as a platform, the ACA being a complete fucking disaster with the Dems having known it would be one…I’ll give him a tiny amount of credit for “insight” as opposed to being a bitchy, partisan little hack.

    Until then, anything he tries to do politically is at least as gutless and moronic as the people he rails against, and detracts from the actual entertainment normally found here.

    Stick to the “celebrity boobs” and Chris Brown smack-talk, Fishy-kins. Your partisan hack tendencies don’t look either clever or entertaining.

    • Dox

      1) Drone Death lists:
      If we did that, we would also have to cover the entire inception of events that lead up to the creation of the president having that power. That came from… wait for it….. Bush. We would probably have to touch back on all the people murdered in the Iraq/Afghan wars (you remember those pesky reporters helicopters gunned down, and civilians….) We might have touch on the white wash job that 9/11 commission did on explaining the 9/11 attacks which sparked the whole mess in the first place.

      Face it. In politics, everyones an asshat. They all have agendas. Which means… anyone foolhardy to actually trust a political party, is kind of an idiot. However, Palin is a special brand of idiot and deserves to be mocked.

      People who think she is right, or intelligent…. well…. they deserve to be mocked too. That’s not so much politics as just plain common sense. When an idiot stands up before the nation and spouts absolute bullshit that a four year old can disprove…. you get the point.

      2) I’m curious why you are so threatened by him reviewing a book so packed full of inconsistencies, lies, and flat out fairy tales, that it makes you angry enough to call him names.

      3) Finally, Palin isn’t into politics anymore. Remember? She quit her job as the Guv’s, lost her election bid, and then raced into being a political pundit. Palin is not a republican politician anymore. She’s a talking head pundit, who “writes” ridiculous drivel. Nothing more.

      This isn’t politics. We aren’t discussing the ACA, well… actually you are. But the rest of us could give a shit. We are discussing her complete lack of grounding in reality, which she drew on to write a fairy tale “Christmas story” that was designed to do nothing more than incite stupid, ignorant people who believe that their religion is somehow original, divine, and correct.

      Here’s a kicker for you. It’s not.

      So yeah, get your political panties in a bundle. Grump that poor beleaguered Palin doesn’t get a fair shake. But guess what, that twit opened herself up for this the minute she Speedy Gonzales’ed her ass out of public office to sell out to whomever would pay her to talk, while at the same time attempting to desperately keep herself relevant in some fashion.

      You wanna talk hacks, fine. Palin is the biggest of them all.
      Suck it up.

      PS:
      Don’t even start with your liberal agenda bullshit. I am so far from being a democrat, we aren’t even on the same planet. Simple fact is, I recognize Palin for the complete douche bag she is. You wanna like her, fine. I really wont lose any sleep. But don’t ever mistake my dislike for that twit, with politics.

    • I’m not quite as patient as Dox, so I’ll keep it simple: Fish has no obligation to present a bipartisan viewpoint on anything he writes, so go fuck yourself in your tight little indignant conservative starfish.

  16. Why is Palin and her ilk spewing drivel like this? Because they are dying. The Religious Right is losing if not lost the culture war. The millennials by and large do not identify with their world view, They will not be around in another generation, at least in numbers to be politically effective or culturally relevant anymore.

  17. Brian

    Idea: Nativity scenes are only allowed on church grounds or on private property, although they may be presented in full display to the public. Non-Christians no longer have to complain, and the “war on Christmas” ends in a truce. State and religion remain seperate, and freedom to worship remains intact. Boom, solved.

  18. dreamcrusher

    Fishy just hates who the statists say to hate . No thought required. The media needs to destroy Palin as a warning to all that resist socialism. Just because fishy is comfortable with Obama’s dick in his ass does not mean I should accept a future that has no jobs for my children.

    Stick to mocking celebtards that are just as politically clueless as yourself fishturd.

    • cc

      If that’s the best rejoinder you can offer in defense of Palin…

    • “And Alaska — we’re set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs. … It’s to maximize benefits for Alaskans, not an individual company, not some multinational somewhere, but for Alaskans.” – your Messiah, Sarah Palin, the anti-socialist.

      You have no idea what you’re talking about. You repeat propaganda without understanding it or thinking about. “Resist socialism”. What a maroon.

      • dreamcrusher

        so you’re saying you are comfortable with Obama’s dick in your ass?

        Palin was smart enough to mock Obama for being the fraud he is. That makes her smarter then you.

    • By all means, educate us on why we shouldn’t think Sarah Palin is a shallow, shrill, ignorant, opportunistic, disingenuous harpy. Just bear in mind that you’ll be wrong.

  19. martina

    She never talks about the War on Intelligence, why is that?
    Oh yeah, she’s part of the Idiocracy.

  20. yourmom

    It’s a real shame no one believes in assassinations anymore.

  21. Cock Dr

    I understand the need to vent about how narrow minded people view atheism and in particular atheism in America but Sarah Palin is not only stupid but also boring…and exposure to her may be contributing to my indigestion.
    She probably will make a lot of money with this latest piece of published poo. That’s the only thing that whole Palin family is about anyway, maximizing personal profit from party politics. For a few loudmouthed people it’s become a very very good business.

  22. Jayne

    You are doing the world a solid by giving us the highlights of this woman’s piece of crap so that we may be spared the pain of reading said crap AND so that we don’t have to spend money on said crap. Well done, sir.

  23. Bonky

    It breaks my heart that she never did a softcore porn or took
    some hot “selfies” when she was drunk and posted them on the
    internet. I guess she could still do it but I think the clock has
    pretty much run out for this chick.

  24. “Does that mean Christians won the “war on Saturnalia”? You bet.”
    Because the best way to wage an ideological war is adopt all you opponents ideals and customs as your own and then…uh…you’ve won..and they…uh…lost?

    “In this country, our federal holiday does not honor the agricultural gods of Rome or the pagan rituals of the winter solstice.”
    …except for the tree and the decorations and the mistletoe and the wreathes and the yule log (whatever the hell that is) and gift giving and the caroling and the stockings and Santa and the date itself. The rest is a bunch of crap invented in the 20th century to sell crap. Krampus didn’t make the cut because he doesn’t move a lot of product.

    Celebrate what you want, I don’t care, just quit trying to justify it…it’s weird. To be honest, every adult I know is miserable at Christmas. They are just in love with the idea of recapturing whatever awesome Christmas they had as a kid.

    I don’t even care if you throw up a nativity scene in government buildings which, incidentally is rubbish too…at least according to your bible. It took the “wise men” 2 years to find Jesus. You think he was still an infant at that point? You think Joseph hadn’t moved them out of the manger yet?

    My head hurts.

    • Dox

      Definition of

      Yule Log- Noun. (pronounced Yewl Lawg)
      1) What I’m giving Lucy Liu for Christmas this year. (ZING!)
      2) I totally made up that first one, in case you were wondering. I feel kind of bad now. It was kind of immature, and perhaps even misogynistic of me.
      3) So the yule log is a very old tradition that probably gave birth to the Christmas tree. Basically, they dragged an entire tree into the house and set the thickest part of the tree into the fire to keep warm, feeding the rest into over several days… possibly 12… days…
      It morphed from the entire tree into a very hard piece of wood, or a log set in the hearth. But most people don’t have an actual hearth anymore, nor do they burn wood to keep warm.

      Unless you live in woods. Or Alaska. Or some parts of Detroit.

  25. Whocares

    I weep for these fuks kids.

  26. Whocares

    Actually I don’t. I just tried to sound like it mattered.

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