Happy Holidays, Queen Elkunt of The North! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 1)

November 28th, 2013 // 106 Comments
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“They took Christ out of Christmas. We’re not shopping there.”

These were the words out of my mother’s mouth one December when I was around seven or eight as we passed a small family-owned grocery store off Route 611 near our house in Scotrun, PA. You see, the owners had committed the cardinal sin of writing “Merry Xmas” in their storefront window panes instead of the full, godly “Merry Christmas,” and therefore were clearly consorting with the devil to ruin Jesus’ birthday party. As I grew older, I noticed, “Wait. There were only 10 windows. How were they supposed- ah, fuck it,” then filed it away between the times my best friend/neighbor brought a demon into our house with his Metallica T-shirt, and Magic: The Gathering made me lure my little brother into witchcraft. (In her defense, she’s since apologized for getting rid of my He-Mans because God is the only Master of the Universe.) Careful readers of similar childhoods who researched the bullshit they waded out of, and promptly had their heads exploded, will also probably know that “Xmas” was an acceptable, religious abbreviation of Christmas for centuries until American Christians decided to lose their shit leading us into the post-911, nationalism-orgy when Bill O’Reilly stoked the flames into a full blown “War on Christmas.” Ironically, this happened as two actual, real live wars with thousands of actual, real no-longer-live casualties were going on by order of a president who was simply following orders from the birthday boy’s dad. Which is kind of funny if you think about it except, no, not at all. We suck. America sucks.

Which brings me exactly to Sarah Palin.

Two weeks ago, Sarah Palin released her new book Good Tidings and Great Joy which was originally titled “A Happy Holidays IS A Merry Christmas” because fuck you, Hanukkah. Here’s how her ghostwriter describes it on Sarah’s Facebook page:

This book is not about isolated trivialities. It’s not really just about gingerbread cookies, or stockings hung by the chimney with care, or the big fat man with the long white beard. It’s not about one holiday at all. It’s about that little baby wrapped in swaddling clothes who arrived long before hope and change became political manipulations. It’s about Christ and our ability to worship Him freely. It’s about America, and what liberty truly means in our day-to-day lives…

Except here’s the much shorter synopsis I would’ve written because my words are awesome and have been known to smell of frankincense and myrrh:

Celebrate Christmas the Christian conservative way, or the government will shoot you in the dick.

Yup, that’s right. Sarah Palin somehow filled 232 thankfully small pages by boiling the War on Christmas down to its purest, ideological liquid form and shooting it all over the face a government-funded Nativity scene. (Plus recipes!) And for those of you wondering why I’m even wasting my time writing about it, let alone reading it in the first place, when Sarah Palin is nothing more than a national punchline to Republicans as much as Democrats, it’s simple: There are an alarming amount of people who think exactly like her. They shut down the government just last month! On top of that, later today – assuming you’re reading this on Thanksgiving – some of you are going to be sitting at a dinner table trying not to fashion a shiv out of a turkey leg while eyeing up jugulars. And really that’s who this production is for along with satisfying my love of squeezing the moose-juice out of low-hanging fruit. Because, holy shit, the ridiculousness is palpable, so let’s get to it.

INTRODUCTION

I’ve actually read Going Rogue, so I can safely say that if there’s one thing Sarah Palin loves more than stringing random words together in an attempt to form a coherent thought, it’s making her ghostwriter write about how much more awesome her life is than your because she lives in Alaska. So naturally she spends the introduction judging anyone not named Sarah Palin for the following things:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

Whoops, my bad. Those are commie verses from the book of Matthew. I don’t know how they got in there. Where was I? Oh, right, Sarah Palin judging some tits off:

Don’t have a white Christmas? JUDGED!
Live in a town that cancels school if it actually does snow? JUDGED!
Don’t bake from mid-November to New Year’s? JUDGED!
Drink coffee on Christmas morning instead of creating elaborate scavenger hunts every single year? JUDGED!
Eat non-moose-based chili from a crock pot that hasn’t been on for two weeks? JUDGED!
Receive gifts from your husband that aren’t lures, firearms, or chopped wood? JUDGED IN THE CLIT, SISTER!

And that last one is where it gets just – *kisses fingers* – c’est magnifique because here’s how Sarah describes finding her manly man of a husband Todd just the perfect present last Christmas. Christmas 2012:

Last year, however, I think I was able to pull off a good one for him. To combat the anti-gun chatter coming from Washington, I surprised him with a nice, needed, powerful gun. I then asked him for a metal gun holder for my four-wheeler. Not only was this small act of civil disobedience fun, it allowed me to finally live out one of my favorite lines from a country song: “He’s got the rifle, I got the rack.”

Gee, I wonder what could’ve happened just 11 days before Christmas last year to get everybody from both political parties all riled up about guns? It seems like they’re always getting their panties in a bunch about somet- Sandy Hook. It was Sandy Hook. An event where a mentally unstable Adam Lanza got a hold of his survivalist mom’s arsenal and killed her with it before making his way to an elementary school where he shot to death four teachers and 20 defenseless children then turned a gun on himself in the most shocking mass murder on American soil since 9/11. And what is Sarah Palin’s reaction to first graders being mowed down while their parents were at home wrapping their Christmas presents? “Yeehaw! Guns and tits.” This is the person’s who lecturing you on spirituality.

From there, it’s more talk about how Christmas is such a magical time for children because apparently now is when it’s time to “please, think of the children” and not when, oh I dunno, they’re being shot in the face before recess. They like that. Anyway, Christmas is wonderful and beautiful for everyone, so Sarah can’t understand why a few, if there’s even more than one, “thin-skinned, litigious” atheists want to ruin it for everybody by bringing up the Establishment Clause and effectively winning court cases with it because America kind of went crazy forgetting it existed during the Cold War. Which naturally dovetails into the age-old, white conservative trope of “people get offended too easily” that’s especially rich considering this entire book is Sarah Palin being offended that public institutions are following the Constitution and wanting big government to tell everyone which religion is awesome because it’s Christianity. Christianity is awesome. Because if it doesn’t, then this is just the “tip of the spear” of Christmas being illegal and everyone drinking eggnog under the cover of darkness. “What’s the password?” they’ll ask at the Candy Cane Speakeasy provided the Atheist Terminators don’t spot the Santa hat under your coat with their infrared sensors first. NO ONE IS SAFE.

1. ANGRY ATHEISTS WITH LAWYERS

Welcome to the first chapter in Good Tidings and Great Joy, a place few will make it to because I had to stop myself from lighting this book on fire and salting the earth where the ashes fall halfway through the introduction. What follows in this chapter is a passage I’ve included in it’s entirety at the end. (Dear HarperCollins lawyers, SPLADOW.) that proves Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter is either pulling the greatest troll in the history of publishing or is a fucking robot because no person alive could’ve wrote any of this seriously without shoving their face into a wolf’s mouth. Because essentially what it spells out is that Sarah Palin’s ideal America is small towns where everyone drives pickup trucks down strip mall-laden streets to a capitalist mecca, Walmart to you layfolk, where they’re free to smoke Marlboros inside before sending their children off to public school to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. It’s literally that ridiculous that it’s its own commentary which is why I transcribed the whole thing, and so I’m not the only one who’ll bet cash money that there’s an early draft where Joe McScrooge sees a pregnant woman and tries to abort her baby with a copy of The God Delusion.

Good luck:

It was too cold, the wind was too strong, and his rental car smelled vaguely of cigarette smoke. His plane had been thirty minutes late, and Joe McScrooge was angry. While he waited for his car to heat up, he turned on the satellite radio, which was thankfully already tuned to NPR. The host was interviewing a man who was helping underprivileged children overcome their religious superstition, intolerance, and bullying tendencies.
He glanced at the clock: 6:35. The airport was at least twenty minutes from Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, according to his GPS, so he had no time to waste to get to his son’s Winter program.
It was his first visit to this small Pennsylvania town since his ex-wife gained custody and moved almost two thousand miles away from the warm sands of New Mexico. He turned up the radio and listened to the host’s calming voice. He needed to hear some reasonable conversation before the forced sentimentality of the school program.
It was dusk, but he could still check out the town through the glass of his windshield. Shabby. Low-class. A strip mall here, a strip mall there—no apparent zoning rules or urban planning. And, of course, there it was, the inevitable Wal-Mart Supercenter. He snorted to himself as he passed a fast-food restaurant with a sign that read,

JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

What the heck does religion have to do with french fries?
At a stop sign, a man walked his huge unpedigreed dog in front of Joe’s car into a small park that had a sign:

PRIVATE RYAN REYNOLDS CITY PARK

There, across the field, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a cross next to a statue of a soldier kneeling in prayer. His grip tightened on the steering wheel. “As if only Christians have died for their country,” he said to himself as he watched the sweaterless dog shake free of his master’s grip on the leash. “Our wars aren’t holy wars, our soldiers aren’t holy men, and that’s a government park.”
He pushed it from his mind as he drove into the center of town. Wreaths were hanging from every storefront. Christmas lights wrapped around the light poles were blinking relentlessly. Red ribbons flapped sloppily in the breeze, Joe noticed. The lights were multicolored and garish, and Joe was annoyed at their distraction. As he drove closer to the court square, however, his jaw dropped.
There, right next to the courthouse—between a metal newspaper box and a ridiculously oversized menorah—was the unmistakable outline of a Nativity scene. It included the baby Jesus, the “virgin” Mary, and her gullible fiancé, Joseph. The only miracle in that story was the fact that Joseph apparently fell for Mary’s story of a divine insemination.
The Bible’s no better than
The Jerry Springer Show, Joe thought. How on earth do these people believe such drivel? He took the turn slowly, checking out the cheap plastic baby Jesus doll nestled in hay.
He could almost feel his blood pressure rise. The doctor had warned him. “Avoid stress,” he had said. “Stay away from difficult situations.” Joe actually laughed out loud as he remembered that conversation in the doctor’s office. He was going to see his son for the first time in six months, visit with his ex-wife, and meet her new boyfriend. That was stressful enough.
“Now I have to be reminded I’m an outsider in my own country?”
He took one last glance at the public display, and mumbled to himself, “Namaste,” as he drove through town.
The school parking lot was almost full, and he had to drive near the football stadium, weaving through minivans and SUVs. He parked between two pickup trucks, one sporting a red-and-gold Semper Fi window decal, the other a faded, peeling McCain/Palin ’08 bumper sticker. Joe audibly gagged. As he walked by the older buildings, he noticed the school wasn’t as new and shiny as the more modern Cesar Chavez School his son used to attend. Before his ex-wife got custody and moved to this dump of a town. The school’s sign read, in slightly crooked black letters:

CHRISTMAS BREAK: DECEMBER 19TH THROUGH 25TH. HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

“Do only Christians attend this school?” he asked the teenage girl handing out programs.
“Excuse me?” she asked, smiling through her braces and fumbling with her WELCOME. MY NAME IS: REBECCA name tag. Joe reminded himself that it wasn’t her fault. She was just a kid. He doubted that school even taught about the separation of church and state.
“Never mind,” he said, taking the program and hoping he wouldn’t run into his ex before the show started.”
“Merry Christmas,” Rebecca chirped as he walked away.
He stopped in his tracks, turned around slowly, and curtly respond, “A happy holiday to you, too.” She smiled and continued to hand out programs, completely oblivious to how insensitive she was acting. He found a seat in the back row and tried to relax. But when he opened the program and glanced over the songs, his hands began to tremble. Three of the ten songs were definitely religious carols: “Silent Night,” “Joy to the World,” and “Little Drummer Boy.” He exhaled to calm his nerves. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was back in that old dusty church of his childhood. When the lights finally went down, the principal bounded up the steps and strode across the stage. She was slightly overweight, Joe couldn’t help but notice, and her goofy green reindeer-adorned sweater looked as shabby as the rest of the town.
“Merry Christmas, everyone,” she sang. “Thank you so much for coming out on this cold night for our program.” As soon as her religion-specific greeting faded from the echo of the cheap public-address system, children standing on bleachers began singing the most dreary of all songs: “Silent Night.” Joe plastered a smile on his face, and scanned the rows of children to find his son. They all looked the same from his back-row seat. Finally, his eyes focused on his boy, and he found himself scooting forward and waving and grinning at him in spite of his bad mood. His son looked taller than he remembered, and so handsome standing there in the second row, fifth young man from the left. Joe could tell his son was singing the words happily, not even realizing the offensive silliness of the whole production.
At that, all his joy faded.
Joe sighed, got out his iPhone, and tried to shield its glow with his hand. “You seriously won’t believe where I am,” he tapped out on his phone. He hadn’t talked to this lawyer since the divorce proceedings, but he knew he’d get a kick out of this one. “I’ve seen more constitutional violations with my own eyes in just the past hour than a prison guard at Abu Ghraib.” He pressed send, slid the phone into his pocket, and tried to focus. The children had thankfully transitioned to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Still ridiculous, but not as … well, illegal. He couldn’t believe he’d come all this way just to be marginalized. He’d been marginalized in his family, and now he’d been marginalized by his country.
Just a few seconds later, his phone beeped. Joe ran his hands over the side to turn off the volume. The text was from his lawyer, and it simply said:

I’m curious. Let’s talk tomorrow.

Seasons Greetings, Titty-Titty-Gun-Gun! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 2)

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: Getty

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  1. David Hasselhoff

    I think you’ve went off the deep end Fish. Get well soon.

    • It’s a good thing that Fish is reading this drivel so we don’t have to. (Not that we would anyway — Sarah Palin is a moron and we all know it, so I thank Fish for giving us the Cliff’s Notes version.)

  2. My favorite part of the Joe McScrooge story—other than that oh-so-subtle decision to equate atheists with McCarthyists—is how the aging small-town school is more real-American than the new and shiny, more modern Cesar Chavez School. Yes, that was so necessary to include. Damn Mexicans, they’re taking over the America we used to know and love!

  3. When will this cunt go away? She’s like when you take a shit and flush the toilet, you look back and there’s still a floater that refuses to go down no matter how many times you flush the toilet.

    She is that floater.

    • Suprememayo

      Just drives you nuts that she has an opinion different than you doesn’t it? So much for the myth of liberal open minded tolerance.

      • Asswipe do you see Russia from your backyard? Fuck You very much.

      • Suprememayo

        Tina fey said that, it is amazing how many fools still believe it was Palin.

      • Palin made the crazy Putin rearing his head comment. As well as claim to engage in a international diplomatic relations with Russia. Apparently, Alaska is the only state in the Union to exceed our nation’s head of state,

      • I don’t think you know what the word “opinion” means. Opinions aren’t made up bullshitteries like the kind some faux conservative coke whore spouts to get attention. Opinions are personal interpretations of true facts. If you make up nonexistent things and then espouse upon them, thats called “making shit up” or “lying.” Or “being a Tea Party member.”

      • Suprememayo

        Can you back any of that up, or are you just regurgitating left with talking points?

      • Suprememayo

        “If you like your insurance you can keep it, period!” – Obama

      • Suprememayo

        ..”coke whore..”

        ..and that is called making “shit” up. Could you be a bigger hypocrite?

      • cc

        It’s not about her having different opinions. It’s about her fomenting the worst elements in American politics and public opinion. Also, it’s her shameless exploitation of the gullible; she keeps taking their money, allowing them to believe she’ll run for office someday which is most unlikely.

      • Suprememayo

        You must be talking about Hillary Clinton who just received $450,000 for a speech. She has yet to “say” she is running for president. Question, are you going to smear Hillary for doing the same or are you simply biased and closed minded?

      • My, I know what you’re doing this thanksgiving, mayo. Apt, I suppose, as the holiday is more about butter and cream than mayo. You’re going to be on here all day, so I’ll just be concise: Sarah is clearly the most contemplative, visionary, and strategic global political force since Neville Chamberlain. Happy? Maybe you can get free tickets to her next God Bless ‘Merica bus tour now.

      • Suprememayo

        Snarky comments from a liberal..say it is’t so? You guys fired the first volley, you are just angry that somebody is not patting you on the back for your genius at slander. It is funny that when you come across somebody who refuses to fall lock step in line with liberal group think the first reaction is to trash them, slander them, lie about them. This thread is proof of that.

        Condescending comments about what I will be doing today? That is just par for the course from the likes of you. Ill willed intolerant closed minded and hypocritical.

      • And presumption about political affiliation and mindset from a conservative. I’m shocked. Much easier than asking me about my stance on social security, health care, immigration, etc. You would be incorrect in your assumptions. Happy holidays. Sounds like you’re a pleasure to be around.

      • No Name

        I am a conservative who considers themselves to be a pretty good Christian who follows the teachings of Christ. And I cannot stand this woman. She’s the best example I can think of when I think about the Devil interacting with people here on Earth. She is so far from Christ it’s not even funny. She lies, she’s manipulative, she’s all about money. She’s a fascist, not a Republican or conservative. There’s a difference. I’ve been a Republican all my life but for the first time ever I’m considering voting Democrat because my political party has been hijacked by religious extremists known as the Tea Party. True conservatism is about hard work and freedom. The Tea Party is about making lives difficult for those who don’t think exactly like them. I am a Christian, but I’m also an American. And in America we have the separation of church and state, an ammendment that I hold so dear because it allows me to practice my faith without persecution. Sarah Palin and her fascist, Nazi type followers hate our freedom here. People like you and her want a theocracy. You want EVERYONE to comply. Or else. Sorry my dear, but Christ doesn’t roll like that and He never did. Have a happy Thanksgiving and let freedom ring.

      • Just so we’re clear, that’s a bravo for No Name. My poor husband, also a conservative, has a “Aw-Jesus-fuck-no” moment every time the (anti-)social tea baggers start up in the media with their ideologue. It’s just insanity.

      • Star

        I’m pretty sure Hilary will run since Bill Clinton passed that bill to double the presidents salary when he was in office. I don’t think she would be stupid enough not to cash in on that. 400,000 a year and then the presidential retirement salary for life for both of them. That plus speeches and they’ll be laughing all the way back to the bank. If Sarah did run she wouldn’t stand a chance.

      • cc

        Hillary Clinton makes out like a bandit too, no doubt. However, she has actually accomplished something in her life, both in terms of her political life and in terms of her education, as opposed to carpetbagger Palin. And she doesn’t make a career out of carelessly and dangerously stoking the paranoia of a group of malcontents.

      • Ted

        Don’t forget her 2 speeches for Goldman Sachs, which she scored another half-mil or so for.

      • Unlike Sarah Palin, Hillary actually has intelligent thoughts to share.

  4. Tim Tebow will strike you down, infidel! Repent!

  5. Almighty_Mithras

    Jesus is NOT the reason for the season, but I know that’s way beyond the feeble bird brain of Sarah Palin. The SOLSTICE and Saturnalia is the “reason for the season.” The Catholic Church (eww, those evil catholics) stole the Saturnalia and put a bad coat of paint over it. You’d think a bible-thumping idiot like Sarah Palin would realize that even if you ignore the Pagan origins of Xmas, it still comes from the equally hated Catholic Church. But American protestants are not exactly the brightest bulbs now are they?

    • She actually gets to the solstice/Saturnalia thing later in the book, and how those pagan celebrations faded away because they were grounded in nothing but myth, but Christmas persisted because hers is the one true faith, boy howdy.

      And then she adds, “Does that mean Christians won the ‘war on Saturnalia’? You bet. And it shows the incredible power of even new traditions to shape culture.” In other words, the “War on Christmas” isn’t so much about re-establishing Christianity as the rock on which this country was purportedly (but not really) built, but about how might makes right, and if enough Christians scream and holler, we can take this country back for Christ, by gosh!

    • The next installment is in the can for tomorrow morning and it definitely touches on how Sarah Palin believes Christianity came to acquire pagan holidays. (Spoiler Alert: QUIDDITCH!)

      Okay, not really, but it’s just as ridiculous.

      • Dox

        If memory serves me correctly…
        Christianity acquired “pagan holidays” by murdering anyone that practiced them (you remember those good old days. Burning heretics, hanging them from bridges, drowning them, torturing them, etc… back when Christian love was in full swing.) then of course, they adopted those same dates, slapped a coat of paint on them, and called them Christian holidays.

        God must be so proud of us. Come to think of it, I miss that old time religion. Back when you could travel halfway across the world, invade someone’s city, claim it for your own, run around in full armor forcing your will on someone, and justify it in the name of god.

        Nowadays you cant even get a good holy war going before someone starts screaming about cultural sensitivity and genocide.

        Pfft. Progress. Yeah right.

        (Feel free to read that with all the sarcasm you can muster. Lord knows I wrote it with enough to drizzle on a holy wafer.)

  6. I actually didn’t know that XMas/Christmas thing. I always thought it was just an abbreviation. Interesting!

    • From the Wikipedia:

      “…the “X” comes from the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter of the Greek word Χριστός which comes into English as ‘Christ.’

      “There is a common misconception that the word Xmas stems from a secular attempt to remove the religious tradition from Christmas by taking the ‘Christ’ out of ‘Christmas.’ but its use dates back to the 16th century.”

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xmas

      • All right, I have to go Thanksgive. I’m relying on justifiable to pick up the slack until I get back tonight.

      • Mike Walker

        The fact that most people don’t know the provenance of xmas is why it’s often used in the same manner as “Happy Holidays”, especially in a commercial context. It’s effectively a secular greeting.

      • I also love how “happy holidays” is considered a secular greeting even though the word holiday is derived from holy day. I haven’t finished Palin’s book yet—there’s only so much of her lies and bullshit that I can take at a time—but I’m willing to bet that this etymology goes completely unmentioned by her.

  7. When I wake up and wonder are we living in the 21st century and then this CUNT emerges, GROUNDHOG DAY? (Love the movie)

  8. joe

    When I’m seeking astute political commentary, in both the articles and the comments to the articles, I hurry to WWTD. Many of these comments display true knee-jerk responses to the media driven hatred this woman inspires whenever her name is mentioned. When governor she went after the corrupt establishment elites in both parties. That’s why she’s hated by elites of all stripes. After the 2008 elections she returned to Alaska to find herself the target of dozens of frivolous lawsuits brought be liberals who were terrified that she would gain traction nationally. Due to Alaskan law, she would have gone completely bankrupt defending herself in court, and wasted the last years of her term. Nice to see that the media onslaught enjoyed great success with the brain dead masses.

  9. you really all must go to amazon and read the reviews for this book on the main page–hilarious!

    http://www.amazon.com/Good-Tidings-Great-Joy-Protecting/dp/0062292889

    • joe

      of course her critics are out in force. This is a surprise? They savage her unmercifully at every turn. If you’re going to be a critic, be an honest one.

  10. joe

    sorry, “the superficial”, not WWTD. Also lawsuits brought *by*.
    carry on.

  11. cc

    Her recent appearance to discuss filibuster reform she was at her best. Exaggerated body language, hyperbole, word salad, you name it.

  12. Dox

    “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 1:9

    I have always found theology to be a fascinating subject. You can trace the roots of every fable, parable, hero, deity, and savior back through the ages. Which is why I have often found that one single quote from the bible to be the most honest statement ever made.

    But people have beliefs. The sad thing about beliefs is that people will kill for them. They will argue them endlessly, refuse anything that is even remotely contradictory, and woe be to anyone they feel attempts to tread on their beliefs. And honestly, I think enough lives have been ended over beliefs, enough cultures destroyed, enough buildings razed, enough lost to unreasoning anger that those beliefs seem to engender.

    Sarah Palin can believe whatever she wants. That is one of the reasons I like this country so much. She can say it, shout it, sing it, make a play out of it, write it down in a book and sell it if that tickles her fancy. Nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, nothing could be more American than to exercise that most beautiful of rights.

    And I don’t have to agree with her. I can ignore her, argue with her, debate it, endlessly chase my tail over it, mock her, laugh at her, or lampoon her on national television for what she says. This too, is also American.

    What I do know, is that regardless of the origins of Christmas or any holiday rather, when you distill it down to the very essence, it is about becoming a better person. Being just a bit more tolerant of others, being just a smidge more generous, forgiving old insults, healing old rifts, really…. its just about becoming the person we wished we could become all year round, for a handful of days out of the year. That, more than anything, is the spirit of Christmas.

    On a side note, for those of you that enjoy good pageantry, and a little taste of the past, you should attend an Episcopalian easter service. Bonfires, singing…. honestly, I remember the first one I attended at a young age and thought…. this is wildly pagan.

    At any rate, Sarah Palin will do what she has always done. Capitalize on anything she can, in order to make money. That is her sole motivation. Everything else is either an attempt to keep herself relevant, or a blatant money grab.

    And I’m ok with that. No reason not to be. And no reason to let it spoil your holiday’s either. After all, what is it really about? What is the focus of your holiday?

    But I wax poetic. There is turkey to be pounced upon. Yams to be hoarded. A nephew in need of some education, a sister in need of apoplexy, and a mother in need of a hug.

    That is what my holiday is about.
    What’s yours?

  13. joe

    How do you know what motivates her? Do you talk with her about the things she plans? Or do you just project what you think onto her? As for making money, how much do you turn down? If media outlets are after you for your opinions, would you be so noble as to tell them no? especially if they pay you for those opinions? Why shouldn’t she capitalize on her opportunities? Doesn’t she have a right to live well? Or is it only you?

  14. When did The Superficial become a political blog? If I want your opinion, I’ll read the Huffington Post.

  15. Mike Walker

    She’s in your head, fishy boy. Was this really worth an essay? Sarah Palin is pretty much a non-entity these days.

    http://www.google.com/trends/explore#q=Sarah+Palin

    • I’m wondering the same thing. Did her publicist pay for her to appear here.? I wouldnt put it past her to have the same publicist as the Kartrashians. It just doesn’t make any sense that she is on this blog.

      • Wow. It’s almost like I didn’t exactly explain why I was writing this post. Except, oh wait, I did:

        “And for those of you wondering why I’m even wasting my time writing about it, let alone reading it in the first place, when Sarah Palin is nothing more than a national punchline to Republicans as much as Democrats, it’s simple: There are an alarming amount of people who think exactly like her.”

        Reading is fundamental.

      • Moval Vida

        I did read that but that I was still wondering because it didn’t really explain it to me. There’s a lot of teenagers who thought Twilight was amazing but I don’t read Teen fiction.

      • Get back to me when Twilight fans shut down the government and/or affect legislation.

        Not that I’m saying that couldn’t happen. Anything’s possible with this shitbox of a country.

      • Americans are so self loathing. It cracks me up.

      • Dox

        Moval-
        No. I love myself. Its everyone else that’s completely fucked. Seriously, I’m perfect. Just ask my mom.

  16. *pokes head in*
    *pokes back out*

  17. i’m thinking of changing my screen name to “captain buzzkill” or “corporeal bringdown”. No particular reason other than I’m drunk.

  18. I like Sarah Palin…and fuck yall who don’t.

    • Plenty of people like the Kardashians too, but it doesn’t make them any less stupid or wrong.

      • ^ this .. you could not be more correct. I refuse to watch any k klan shows, or even to click on articles about them, no matter how funny watching their idiocy is. it’s people like them, and the idiots who worship them, that are causing the downfall of this country. you are all pointless. just die already.

  19. she is in desperate need of hand rejuvenation.

  20. Oprah Sucks

    Congratulations, Sarah. You have a really shitty ghost writer (I didn’t get past the first three paragraphs before yawning). So shitty, in fact, that he/she/it could write for The Superficial!

  21. Fish! Be careful! The NSA knows when you spank it, why you spank it:

    The government’s watching you beat off:

  22. diversity hire

    “We suck. America sucks.”

    The liberal id distilled. Thanks, Fish

    • Dox

      Sadly history supports those statements.
      From slavery, to a genocidal campaign against the native americans, to our flat out attempts to dismantle other countries via subertfuge, to our constant interference in other countries domestic issues.

      The sad and simple truth is, The United States will never achieve greatness if we cant even contemplate our own wrong doings, and admit them.

      We’ve done some good things. Some great things. But that doesn’t balance our ills. And peoples stalwart refusal to even face those ills, is why we are viewed with such distrust.

      • diversity hire

        Nah. I live in a third world country. Anyone who thinks America sucks is a clown or just needs to travel more.

  23. Goodbye Facebook, hello retirement home. Cuz that’s the next big transition for me. Unless you count the sex change operation. For my dog! My damn dog! Good lord, my dog. He’s the first gay labrador I’ve ever owned, and I blame it on his constant exposure to Anderson Cooper’s ‘s Facebook page. Yet my attorney says we have no case. Fag.

    Okay, I’ve been as politically incorrect as possible. Social scientists may argue in the future that this repressed generation needed friends for the sole purpose of being Politically Incorrect, but I would argue back that we also needed those friends to remember us in our innocent, younger days when a fifth of Jack Daniel’s could make us puke for 5 or maybe 8 hours.

    stay thirsty my friends
    Steve

  24. Cock Dr

    I just wanna remember Sarah babbling into a microphone as a local killed turkeys one after another behind her. We watch that every year now, just like it was a Peanuts cartoon TV holiday special. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJd_vm9VhpU

    • Dox

      I haven’t laughed quite that hard in a long, long time. Now, this is just me, and I could be way off base here, but I would think that when one decides to talk about the budget in the midst of a financial crisis, one would avoid doing so in front of the slaughter line….

      Like I said, it may just be me, but that’s a hell of a lot of scary foreshadowing which could have only been made worse, if the turkey’s in question were forced into a non consensual relationship with the metaphorical axe man first.

      Of course, I am the twisted individual that made our turkey carcass sing and dance before being cooked today…. and followed it up with a wonderful holiday speech made by the Yam Man (which if you’re interested requires about five minutes of carving, before cooking it, and provides endless hours of amusement.)

      That probably explains why I was banned from the Eggnog. Which incidentally has given me a whole host of ideas about what tomfoolery and slightly twisted antics I want to get up to when the entire clan drives here from the trailer park.

      I do so love holidays. Never miss an opportunity to test how much your family really loves you.

  25. andie

    Mr. Redmond the Superfish, I really hope you write your memoirs soon. (At least before having kids, because once you do every questionable choice your own parents made fades from memory and is replaced with nothing but gratitude that they managed to raise you to adulthood without once punching you directly in the face.) Or maybe I’m just more forgiving because we were insane evangelicals of the Zionist Hanukkah-celebrating variety, so I got to say “happy holidays” with impunity. (Dispensationalism: “fuck Holocaust survivors, we have a Rapture to provoke!”) Can’t believe the shit an 8-year-old realizes is crazy somehow has become relatively mainstream…

  26. The whole enchilada

    Your talents are really being wasted here. You should be writing for a national magazine. Or maybe for late night tv.

    • Not sure if this is a pretty good insult from a teabagger (e.g., writing for Jimmy Fallon would be a step up) or an attempt at a compliment?

      • The whole enchilada

        I’m serious. He’s really quite good.

      • Agreed. This site reminds me on a daily basis to be grateful that Gossip Blog Producer wasn’t a viable career option in Mark Twain’s day. But I’ve never met a writer who didn’t hate “wasted talent” comments.

  27. 42

    I have read this website (and comments sections) for years and never felt compelled to comment, until today…I am from Alaska, I just want to share that none of how this crazy woman represents AK is remotely realistic. I am so sick of her using that state (which I love) to further her ridiculous I-am-so-country-down-home-dontcha-know image. Lets all remember that she quit being the governor in a rambling, incoherent speech right before she set out on her Going Rouge book tour, to get paid. Also, no one from Alaska has that stupid accent. I am also sick of her name being the first thing brought up when I tell people where I grew up. I appreciate the article, made me smile, but I can’t wait for this woman to just fade away.

    • Dox

      I was in Alaska for about a year. It was without a doubt one of the most AWESOME states. With about three major cities, and a whole hell of a lot of virgin land, it tends to breed a kind of people that are both… slightly remote, yet at the same time so damn dependable. I’ve never found that tight knit sense of community anywhere else.

      That being said… Palin is Palin. She no more defines Alaska than Harry Reid defines Nevada. (after all, its a known fact our entire state looks like a bad set drop from the Hills Have Eyes.)

      Besides, at least you don’t constantly get asked about Area 51. Or grey aliens. Or where the whore houses are….. like I have them on speed dial or something….

      (quietly hides the rolodex.)

  28. Does the book come with a box of crayons?

  29. Last week I went to the Santa Claus parade with my brother and his two little girls. The parade was super pathetic, not at all like what I saw on the news of Chicago’s or Toronto’s, etc. I honestly think it was a “if you show up, you can be in it” kind of parade. My brother and I had a field day mocking it.

    Then we saw the hilarious “float.” The guy with a cause. His cause was bringing back the phrase “Merry Christmas.” People were cheering (including my mom) while he shouted into a microphone about it being taken from us. We were near the end of the route and about five minutes later, he came over with a digital camera and started talking to the people beside us, asking if they minded being on his website. They all cheered, my brother and I stepped away. He shouted about Christian ideals and it’s our tradition, blah blah blah (I should say, I’m in Canada).

    Merry Christmas hasn’t been taken from me as an individual, it’s been taken out of the workplace and gov’t institutions that are supposed to create an environment of inclusion. But nothing is stopping me from saying it. I hate pointless causes. If you have that much passion for something, direct your good intentions to something worthwhile. I also hate intolerance. To me, this issue is thinly disguised intolerance, a hatred of immigration. This country would be shit if it didn’t have immigration.

    tl;dr, great post, I share your feelings.

  30. I love you, fish. Hope you ended up finding things to be thankful for – you’re on MY list!

  31. Woody

    Why would you ruin an entertainment site by needlesly injecting politics? I come here to see hot chicks in bikinis or Kanye’s latest insanity, not in-depth political satire. You’ve just told 30-50% of your readers to fuck off and find some other site to visit.

  32. KingKong

    Stick to bikinis and the Kardashians, dipshit.

    You know about as much abut politics as you know about nuclear fission.

    • Then by all means tell me where I’m wrong here. Enlighten me.

      • Dox

        You want the truth? You can’t HANDLE TH….err… wrong line, my bad. But seriously, you honestly want the truth?

        Here it is, the Truth According to Dox and his merry band of slightly balding grizzly bears: Episode one: The Menacing Phantom Hope Strikes Back.

        You aren’t wrong. The truth is, that your evaluation of Palin’s book is spot in, however cloaked in caustic wit it might be. Palin is a figurehead in a cult of personality. Her statements have been disproven time and time again, but you would have better luck tickling a rabid grizzlies nuts then getting them to accept that Palin’s statements are as far from the truth as I am from getting laid by Lucy Liu. (Standing offer Ms. Liu, and I promise to buy Burger King beforehand. The value meal, not the corporation. Just saying…)

        She weaves half truths, bold faced lies, misinformation, and flat out fairy tales into a monologue about a belief system that a portion of people cling to desperately. She speaks to peoples fears, and creates a schizophrenic world in which anyone that calls her on her bullshit is a part of some mysterious world wide “liberal” conspiracy to pervert the message of truth.

        The simple truth is, you cannot reason with these people anymore than you can reason with people who vehemently believe that all muslims are out to kill America. Its not based in reality, and there is no way to get these people to accept any fundamental truth, such as the earth being several billion years old. (Because god said 5000 thousand years, right?)

        And the truth is, aside from providing countless hours of amusement on the internet, they can provide nothing remotely like enlightenment.

        Normally I stay out of this shit, but honestly, Im just sick and tired of seeing people defend a blatant idiot by turning her into a martyr.

      • What I want is to hear people like King Kong qualify their statements that I know nothing about politics. They always get that sentence out and then… nothing.

      • Dox

        I fully understand what you want from Monkey Boy.
        But bear in mind, that you are asking for qualification from a group of individuals that have so far stated their biggest argument against Palin’s book not being full of lies, half truths, and full on fairy tales, is that its all a liberal conspiracy to hate who the left tells you to hate.

        I’m quite serious here. Every single person’s defense of Palin here is not no what she wrote, but why its all the liberals and media’s fault, and how come we aren’t attacking democrats?
        (which incidentally is easy to answer. The minute Obama puts out a book about Christmas, Im all over that shit. I plan on opening up a can of whoop ass so epic its talked about for generations to come.)

        And that’s why you get nothing. Because there is nothing left for them to say, except its all a liberal conspiracy. It’s gotta get old even for them.

        But yeah, you will not get a serious discussion on the merits of Palin’s writing. Nor will they tell you why you know nothing about politics, because its never about the issue.

        Just about the mythical liberal conspiracy to rule all of mankind with cell phones, welfare, and social security.

      • It’s because they don’t HAVE anything to follow that, because they debate at the second grade level. It’s their equivalent of “I KNOW YOU ARE, WHAT AM I?”

    • Oops, I accidentally clicked Thumbs Up but I made a mistake. At least Disqus lets you take it back.

  33. anon

    too long, way too long, goes on and on and on, and what…
    did not, could not, would not, should not scan my eyes across these paragraphs and ingest their words into my brain

  34. pipette

    Working on the weekend? The THANKSGIVING weekend, mind you? This must be a sponsored post by the Palins. For shame Fish, for shame.

  35. Yikes. I think the conventional wisdom in instances like this goes something like “don’t quit your day job”, although I’m of the impression this might actually be your day job. In which case you should probably just ignore the conventional wisdom.

    If one: (a) runs a site intended to cause readers to chuckle, and (b) asks readers to read 546,789 lines of verbiage, it would be nice if at least one or two of those lines are actually funny.

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