Welcome to the final installment of The Superficial review of Good Tidings and Great Joy which, yes, I’m completely willing to accept may have played a part in Paul Walker‘s death. This shit got way out of hand, and God only knows who it’ll claim next if I don’t put an end to it soon. Unless I can somehow aim it… *tries to point post at Chris Brown* No, no, there’s been enough bloodsheed… *tries one more time*
6. SEEING DOUBLE … STANDARDS
If I haven’t mentioned it yet, Sarah Palin fucking loves Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. She mentions it at least once a chapter and almost always in the context of the Christmas spirit transforming Ebenezer Scrooge into a kind, generous employer. And yet this is the same woman whose moose-knuckle turns into a fire hydrant at the mere mention of Walmart, a company that has probably looked into getting slavery back on the books more than once. So in the same vein as A Christmas Carol – and the completely ridiculous Joe McScrooge from chapter one – Sarah Palin takes us to the future of our world because she’s a Highlander now if Highlanders are terrified of diversity. “There can be only one — holiday in December!” *chops off Kwanzaa’s head with a katana*
“VISION OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME … IF THE MILITANT ATHEISTS AND SECULAR LIBERALS HAVE THEIR WAY”
Yup, that was a direct quote.
It’s December 2028, and Sarah Palin pays a surprise visit to her bastard grandson Tripp at University of Alaska Anchorage where he’s naturally there on a hockey scholarship because Palins are gosh darn athletes, Bahby, a dontcha know. While Tripp and his teammates duck out for practice, Sarah is left to wander the campus on our own where, gee golly wilikers, she can’t believe her own eyes. The campus is decorated beautifully with pinecones and candles and brass and silver, but there’s no “traditional” Christmas decorations like candy canes or a tiny little baby hovering above all the other religions vanquishing them with angel beams. Instead, there’s only… diversity! OH NO!
“As we approach the Winter Solstice season, which encompasses holidays celebrated by many faiths, keep in mind the University of Alaska Anchorage is a diverse community and diversity is one of our key educational values.”
“What the fuck is this shit?” thinks Future Sarah Palin. Then she reads a list of upcoming lectures in case, somehow, readers aren’t already freaked out by all the diversity talk. Which let’s be honest, they paid $24.99 for a book about The War on Christmas written by Sarah Palin. They are.
THE CHRISTMAS MYTH: REDISCOVERING THE
PAGAN ROOTS OF A HIJACKED HOLIDAY
FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND LOVE: CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAYS
WITHOUT INVITING THE GODS OF YESTERYEAR
SHOULD YOU TRUST YOUR PARENTS AGAIN?
RECOVERING FROM THE SANTA LIE
Holy fuck on a moose horn, now Future Sarah has to get some answers. Fortunately, she runs into Karly, the “Vice Dean of Respect and Inclusion.” YUP. The shit is on. Future Sarah sets it off by straight dropping the c-bomb on her new nemesis. And by c-bomb I mean Christmas which amazingly doesn’t result in a Sentinel emerging from behind a tree to plasma blast Future Sarah straight to Baby Jesus’ upstairs house.
“While we don’t actually have any ‘Christmas’ activities per se,” she says, “um, this is a very diverse community, I’m sure you’ll be able to find something you’ll enjoy. There’s the Winter Solstice gathering at seven o’clock tonight.”
“What is that exactly?” I ask. “Like, caroling?”
“Well, last year, solstice celebrators had a bonfire, they made a representation of a man out of sticks, and they tucked little pieces of paper into the man’s hand with regrets from the last year. Then they lit it on fire and watched it burn away their shame and guilt,” she says. “Then they had sausages, eggs, and lots of good traditional drink.”
“Oh,” I say. “Well, that sounds … interesting.”
Motherfucking witchcraft! Future Sarah knew it. But surely there has to be some sort of Christian group on campus except it turns out they all voluntarily opted out of participating in UAA’s “inclusive community” because they’d have to be nice to gays and other religions, so now they meet in the cover of darkness off campus. Some say they drink unicorn bloo- wait, wrong book. Now Future Sarah’s pissed because she just wants to hear some fucking carols and doesn’t have time to go off campus to look for non-diverse pillars of Christ, so she bitches at Karly because, as every woman knows, saying something out loud will immediately change a situation to exactly the way you think it should be:
“It used to be that Christmas events happened all over the campus.”
“Yes, but times change,” she says, looking at me with concern or pity. “We don’t have slavery anymore, either.”
What did Miss Karly just say? I inaudibly gulp.
Oh, fuck, they’re teaching college students that shit can change? Future Sarah has had enough. Take her to the multi-faith center. Take her there immediately! But, on the way, let’s stop by a bunch of atheist displays that happened in real life because, here’s some Shymalan shit, the future? It’s now. BRAAAAAAAHMMMMM.
1. A “Holiday” Tree Sale. Neil Degrasse Tyson, would you be so kind?
Holiday derives from Holy Day. So it's etymologically under-informed to assert that "Happy Holidays" does not reference God.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) December 20, 2012
2. A “natural nativity” scene.
3. A Santa crucifixion scene.
But we’ll soon learn that’s not the worst of it because it’s Muslims. Muslims are the worst of it which is why there are exactly as many Muslim examples as there are atheist ones.
“Our Muslim students partake in wudu, the ritual ablutions before the prayer sessions. They had a hard time washing their feet in the sinks, so adding foot-washing stations was part of our university renovations. Costly in terms of budget, sure, but here we believe inclusion is, well, priceless.”
I duck my head into the “state-of-the-art” commode and sure enough, along the wall, in the corner, are several “foot baths.”
“How many students uses this ‘priceless’ spigot?”
You spent money on a minority, bitch, how could you?!
2. A banner for Eid al-Adha that just happened to coincide with Thanksgiving during Future Sarah Palin’s visit. She doesn’t list a real word example for this one because it takes place a different time each year so this would never fucking happen, but it fits her theme of other religions being a pain in the ass to good, wholesome American ones where we murder each other on Black Friday for $39 plasmas.
3. Tripp returns to find Future Sarah, and tells her he didn’t get to practice because he was banned from the hockey rink until later in the evening because it was Muslim women exercise time which they don’t feel comfortable doing in front of men. A practice that Harvard made headlines for in 2008 because they want 9/11 to happen again, only this time the terrorists will use the inconvenienced bodies of white Christian men who had to wait an extra hour to use the elliptical machine.
After learning about all this Muslim business – and yeah, okay, whatever, the atheists – Future Sarah finally loses her shit:
“What abouy just your average Joe Six-Pack boring ol’ Christian student feeling welcome and honored?”
“Oh, please,” she says. “The dominant faith in our culture doesn’t need more of an advantage than it already enjoys.”
And then the story ends because, surely, Sarah’s readers are mollified at the thought of their seat of privilege not being hoisted upon with more privilege for, in the words of Jesus, “the demanders of more privilege shall inherit the earth.” Fortunately, Sarah has a better Christmas Yet To Come for you to hope for, and all it takes is no Muslims. Not a single Muslim. You think I’m exaggerating, but this version has carolers, candy cane decorations, Christians and atheists spiritedly debating each other with smiles on their faces because Christians don’t have to be “diverse” or “tolerant,” and not one goddamn Muslim in sight. This utopic future Christmas doesn’t mention them once. There are even Jews and Buddhists commingling with Christians, who will surely convert them with its most bitching holiday, but apparently the lynchpin of Sarah Palin’s ideal Christmas is no Muslims anywhere. Yet she bristles at the end of the chapter that universities, a.k.a. “the government,” has the nerve to teach students that The Bible has been used to justify racism, slavery and the subjugation of women. Which is what happens when you don’t say “Merry Christmas.” Kids learn facts. Real, provable facts. It’s fucking chaos.
7. WHO’D MAKE UP A STORY LIKE THAT?
The last chapter of Sarah Palin’s book is probably my favorite because it’s so completely pointless and random that there’s nothing for me to even write about. I honestly couldn’t tell you what the point of it is. There’s something about her dad getting food poisoning from canned fish and banging Todd every other Thursday – WHY?! – but barely anything that reinforces the theme of the book except a few sentences at the end where God is awesome and therefore so is his kid’s birthday by default. It’s just a bunch of bullshit strung together to get this thing past 200 pages so idiots will think it’s full of meaningful information. Which, now that I think about it, is the main theme of the book. Never mind.