Reese Witherspoon has no breasts

January 17th, 2006 // 60 Comments

Maybe I’m just ignorant, but didn’t Reese Witherspoon used to have breasts? Either she lost her mind and got a breast reduction, or she’s the world’s greatest magician and has made her chest totally disappear. That, or her baby got overzealous while breastfeeding and totally drained those things. I’m not a doctor, but that’s possible, right? No? Not possible? How about you just shut up then.

NOTE: Contrary to popular belief, wearing a ballerina outfit to the Golden Globes is totally appropriate. Even more appropriate, however, is throwing on a potato sack and maybe cutting some holes in it.


  1. laquilter

    I don’t know about her breasts – but that dress is just awful!

    • ru187

      All of you r worthless pieces of shit. Reese Witherspoon is talented, beautiful like an angel, has a body to die for. And while all of u envious losers r bitching amongst yourselves, she’s making major $$$$ Because she has something to contribute. So, all of you go suck a dick!

  2. I wouldn’t have even considered looking at her chest area until I read the opening story line. Some of the photos taken of Reese remind me of the of the cave characters from the movie The Dark Crystal.

    Watching her on film is alot different then her photos. I don’t mean that in a bad way either. Its just weird staring at her.

  3. quibbles_quaint

    8 year-olds don’t have breasts (even the young Pam Anderson, if you can believe it), so judging by that picture Reese’s chest is age appropriate.

  4. Mary45

    If you google her name and check out some of her images, especially Legally Blonde, she has a nice rack… I think it’s that horrific dress she’s wearing or your theory of breast drainage maybe correct…

  5. Why does she always look like she has a Photoshopped head.

  6. PhDiva

    I think she’s hiding them because she thinks it will make people take her more seriously. And she’s right because she won. People really do correlate a large breast size with small brain size. But more interesting to me is the degree to which her husband seems so full of jealousy and contempt for her. She was joking that he gave her a big slap on the back on her way to the stage, but she seemed genuinely put off, and I think he just wacked her. It was like he was trying to be supportive, but he couldn’t control his malice. That marriage is going to be over within the next few years.

  7. Slappy san

    What happened?

  8. HughJorganthethird

    two words: man hands

  9. Sheva

    Nothing against her or her gay husband but who in the hell let this eight year old out of the house with her birthday dress at a grown ups dinner?

    Probably will go see Walk the Line as I hear the lead’s performances are first rate. So they deserve all the accolades for their work in that.

    Besides anything with class to keep the constant degradation of values and promotion of the Hollywierd values on gay anal love.

    Leave your families boys and girls. There’s nothing more noble than abandoning your wife and kids for gayness.

  10. Juliette

    PhDiva- You are joking right?
    I saw the entire thing and he was in no way jealous or had contempt for her. He is one of the most supportive husbands I have seen in hollywood ever!

  11. derekd

    You know I think it is quite possible to draw a map of Russia on that forehead. Oh, and I’m not a fag or nothing but that dress is fugly! I think its pressing her tits to her back. 6 outta 10.

  12. SuperSpence

    Maybe it is just me, but I like titties on girls.

  13. Larry

    All right, maybe she’s a little small in the chestular region, and by “a little small” I mean, of course, as flat as Kansas, but frankly I’ll take that over girls who’ve been hacked open and had saline bags shoved inside their bloody body cavities any day.

  14. SaveFerris

    PhDiva – Just no.. Alright? Just no.

    I agree with Juliette…

    And who cares about the size of her breasts?

  15. She does have breasts – they’re on her back.

  16. shopaholic197

    um. Reese is absolutely beautiful, her boobs are just fine, and her dress is stunning. :)

    don’t hate on an a girl who’s smart, taltented AND gorgeous.

  17. pamalamadingdong

    supportive… heck no! Ryan Phillipe suffers from ovary envy. he’s been in vancouver a couple of times, and they stay in the Condo complex that one of my friends also lives in. They live on seperate floors. She stays on one floor with the kids, and he constantly has escorts going up to his floor. I was out once with my friends, and him and “handsome rob) (dont’ know his real name… jason something) were trying to pick us up and he was a real asshole. I feel sorry for her, she seems like such a nice person too.

  18. Sheva

    Look girlfriend is cute but her husband is apparently a bitch, her dress is a second graders dream for her birthday and God bless her, she doesn’t even have fake boobies.

    But jeez, do you have to get a dress to make her look like a barbie nightmare?

  19. kenniem

    Of all the photos taken of her last night of course the superficial runs the most unflattering one.

    As for the dress it is beautiful, a wonderful vintage Chanel, that probably cost more than the superficial writers make all year.

    If we are going to tear people to pieces it should be those three idiots from E! Who would have thought that it was possible to make the crypt keeper and her evil spawn look fantastic and lady like….Ah the good old days.

  20. hafaball

    It doesn’t look like she ages much either, in fact, I think she;s going back in time, therefore her breasts are dissapearing, because 10 year olds shouldn’t have them.

  21. boymoto

    I don’t believe she ever had a body even…

    And remains one of the most overpaid persons, to do absolutely nothing…

  22. Layne

    actually that IS what happens when you have kids. they just turn into flaps of skin. people should stop having children.

  23. diddleysquat

    What’s up with her jaw? Freaky lookin’ beeyach! You could open a beer bottle with that thing!

  24. AndyKandy

    Hey Pamalamadingdong…I’m on the Island!

  25. suzy

    she has boobs… that dress doesn’t show anything though…

    plus she doesn’t wear many long dresses… like for the critics and peoples choice awards she wore knee length dresses, which were both pretty…

    weird dress… but i like reese

  26. AmberDextrose

    That dress is pretty minging. The girls on the gofugyourself blog say so to, so it must be because they rule.

  27. slinkhard

    Aw, I like her. She’s way too good for Ryan Phillipe, at any rate.

    ‘Besides anything with class to keep the constant degradation of values and promotion of the Hollywierd values on gay anal love.’


  28. BadGoat

    Number 17 – Your entry is so full of B.S. I don’t believe any of it. Of course Ryan Phillipe and his friend tried to pick you (and your friend) up, aha… yeah right. It has to be very difficult to be a celebrity and read all this made up crap about your life.

    As for Reese, I think that she is classy. She doesn’t have to expose her body at every red carpet event. She is a serious actress and does very well. As for the dress, it’s vintage Chanel couture, it’s no wonder Superficial and some of you boys can’t get past it, you don’t understand it. It’s called fashion little boys.

    The only fashion many of you understand is Pamela Anderson, Pussycat Dolls, and Britney Spears. Cover your eyes, you don’t want to take in too much couture at one sitting.

    Let me put it this way, one of the big stories of the Golden Globes was that Pamela Anderson wasn’t exposing hers. Boys Will Be Boys. Cover your eyes.

  29. PapaHotNuts

    Do ya’ll not notice that she looks like a dinosaur??? She is a cross between Jay Leno and Godzilla. She doesn’t even have a forehead, she has a five or six-head. I, for one, thinks she is sea-donkey ugly and her husband BETTER be fucking someone on the side. Maybe Ryan Seacrest.

  30. Larry

    Reese just looks like a dinosaur because she’s preparing for a role in “Jurassic Park IV.” You know, like DeNiro gaining weight for Jake LaMotta?

    “don’t hate on an a girl who’s smart, taltented AND gorgeous.”

    Ok, I won’t, but I reserve the right to kill on sight people who use the expression “hate on.”

  31. JollyJumjuck

    The dress might be a vintage Chanel, and it might cost a lot of money; doesn’t mean that it’s *worth* the money. Reese can and does look very good much of the time. Unfortunately, this dress makes her look like an Olsen cousin.

  32. julema

    What’s the problem with little breast!!? Happy that there still women in hollywood with natural breast. She don’t needs to have big implants like pamela because shes talented!!

  33. CheekyChops

    There’s another one who will soon be heading to divorce court.

  34. sammygirl

    “Couture” does not equal “pretty.” This dress looks like a potato sack with glitter pasted onto it. The bottom half makes her thighs look like the size of Kansas. She’s worn far better dresses in the past. This one is a faux pas. And she’s totally overrated.

  35. margemayhem

    It is unfortunate, but true: when you have kids, you’re boobs shrink, whether you breastfeed or not.

  36. Is it just me or is that the kind of outfit your neighbors 3 year old daughter wears on halloween and everybody says “Awww, what a cute outfit for a three year old” Hey Reese, I gotta tell you, whats cute on a 3 year old looks stupid on an adult.

  37. LaLa

    What you will really love about this is that Kirsten Dunst wore the SAME DRESS to the Golden Globes in 2003.

  38. sjb16

    Poster # 5 got this one right Reese’s head looks like it was photoshopped on to someone else’s body. Her uber long neck and pointy chin is really starting to freak me out. If she ever goes to prison she can use her jaw as a shank.

  39. SMF121490

    That has to be one of the ugliest dresses I have ever seen.

  40. her baby destroyed her boobs.someone get this girl some implants pronto.i guarantee if she gets the right size and cuts an acre off that forehead,she’ll star in no less than 3 blockbuster flicks in one 2007.

  41. pamalamadingdong

    comment 28

    i don’t need to make stuff up. There are several girls who have been picked up by this guy and have similar things to say about him. Best way i can describe it is: snarky. You’re on the wrong website if you’re a sympathizer of celebrities. Is it so incredible unbelievable that celebs behave poorly?

    on the dress: i don’t think it’s as hideous as most believe. I’ve seen her in better outfits though. I remember she wore a really nice green dress once to some awards show. She looked amazing

  42. Jayne

    awwwwwwwwwww well I still think she looks aborable…inflated breasts and all.

  43. Tink

    I like Reese, despite the weird chin…
    In support comment 17-
    Page Six in the “just asking” section I believe on Monday said something to the effect of “which actor has been seen in Vancouver holding hands with a former girlfriend, despite having a wife” (not an exact quote)
    Could that be Ryan? … I wonder

    PS- that dress is awful… and not even real vintage!

  44. pamalamadingdong


    well, i don’t know if they’re talking about ryan phillipe, because the incident with me and my friends was about two years ago. Good ol vancouver… always getting actors in trouble. *wipes tear from eye*

  45. anushka

    actually, the dress isn’t vintage! they lied to her and then she found out that Kirsten Dunst actually wore the dress a few years ago. and its so ugly…gives her the worst figure. she is a sweetie, but that dress isn’t flattering

  46. october271986

    Actually, breastfeeding does make breasts become flabby and smaller.

  47. tess

    She’s obviously competing with Jay Leno and Jennifer Aniston for Chin award. Anyway, the girl has boobs, they’re just hid in this unflattering dress. BTW, she got punk’d big time by Chanel: they made her believe that it was an exclusive dress, but she later found out that it was a second-hand piece, worn by Kriste Dunst, 2 years ago, at the same ceremony….

  48. Dzchordant

    What the hell? Ryan Phillipe not supportive! The guy was pumped, he was happy for her. They were holding hands and chatting and smiling at each other in all those cutaways and not just ’cause they knew the camera was there. If he was such a douche bag why did he leave off shooting a movie like she said in her acceptance speech, just to be her arm accessory at the Globes? Now that sounds like the kinda thing a loving & supportive husband would do. I think they love each other…true sometimes love ain’t enough ‘specially in Hollywood, but I really hope they last. They make a cute couple.

    BTW? Anybody see the dagger look Felicity Huffman shot Teri Hatcher when they were all assembling on stage. Teri grabbed the mike for a sec; don’t remember what she said…something to the audience about the guy who was supposed to be giving the acceptance speech. If anybody Tivo’d it, watch and tell me whatcha think.

  49. missburd

    Maybe her dress is a rough draft for her daughters elementary graduation. “Ahh honey since you’re only like 6, can i wear it tonite?”

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