So Reese Witherspoon Isn’t Pregnant

August 10th, 2011 // 16 Comments

But her sister is! /chunk

Last month I made Reese Witherspoon‘s uterus my beat and was determined to prove she had a baby in there to the point where I was getting estimates on portable ultrasounds and chloroform. Anyway, here she is jogging – Probably because she starts each day with The Superficial like all of Hollywood. Mornin’, Chins. – and no longer trying to hide her stomach with giant purses. While the knee-jerk reaction is I was wrong, I think it’s obvious Reese Witherspoon got an abortion like most religious women trying to start a family with their brand-new husbands. Otherwise, why else would I have spent all that time thinking she’s pregnant? I don’t just go around looking at celebrities retaining water and start saying they’re knocked up. How dare you?

Photo: Flynet, Splash News

superficial

  1. cc

    I guess she broke into a high school gymnasium and stolen some shorts left over from a 1982 era boys basketball team.

    Lululemon is in now honey.

    • Does cc stand for “ca-can’t tell a joke? cu-cunt face-johnson?”

      Reese Witherspoon makes millions of dollars but opted against Lululemon to tease you a little bit. I love her. Giant chin, giant uterus and all.

  2. Vivian

    What can I say Fish, nobody’s perfect, and upon your public retraction I think you’ve just saved yourself from being sued up to your ***. No harm done, we still love you!

  3. abortion is a wonderful thing!

  4. First Selena Gomez and now this. With your credibility you should start writing for AP.

  5. Reese Witherspoon
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hello, ‘Chin’ Chinese take out? I’d like to place an order by the hair of my chinny chin chin.”

  6. Kelce

    Don’t worry Fish. I thought I was pregnant and I haven’t had near enough sex to even be pregnant. It happens to the best of us.

  7. Wow

    Who knew humpty dumpty had a cell phone?

  8. bealett

    So that explains the chin. Water weight. Thank you science.

  9. maybe the dr’s wrong, she should get a second ochinion

  10. Reese Witherspoon
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah, judging by the size of the bag, she’s been out shopping for chin straps.

  11. Reese Witherspoon
    Commented on this photo:

    Her favorite animal is a chinchilla.

  12. See also was recently seen at the Mall eating a huge Chinnabon.

    • KindaJudgemental

      That’s who that was behind me in line?
      Huh. I’m not pregnant.
      Perhaps she wanted a Cinnabon while-not-being-pregnant?

  13. KindaJudgemental

    Sure she is – that’s what Sarah Palin looked like when she was 6 months pregnant! And christians don’t lie, that would be a sin.

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