Psst, Reese Witherspoon. Barn Door’s Open.
You know who unzips pants all the time? Babies.
Here’s Reese Witherspoon leaving Brentwood Country Mart yesterday where my keen investigative skills inform me she peed at some point and forgot to zip her pants. Don’t ask me how I know, but let’s agree less-educated cultures would deem me a powerful wizard. (Mornin’, the south.) But that’s not what’s important right now. What is important, is the fact that Reese Witherspoon needs to never stop wearing those jeans because clearly they’re forged with magic. Normally, Reese has a horrible case of mom ass, but when those pants go on, I’m pretty sure lightning bolts shoot out of her thighs while the voice of Zeus instructs her to wield her new-found powers for the glory of Greece. “For your ass shall look smoking, and said smoking will smote thou enemies, leaving their wives for your taking- Jesus, watch where you’re swinging the chin! Motherfuckin’ God of Olympus, and bitch is trying to blind me. Hermes! Sand that fucker down.”