Don’t Ask Reese Witherspoon To Pronounce Your Stupid French Last Name

May 8th, 2014 // 43 Comments

Sometime during Rihanna‘s MET Gala after party, a possibly drunk Reese Witherspoon found herself in an elevator with Kate Upton, Zooey Deschanel and an iPhone-wielding Cara Delevingne who was given specific instructions to not make Reese pronounce her “fucking name” because it’s “that stupid French.” But because she’s southern charm personified, Reese followed that up with some friendly advice: The most important thing in a girl’s name is that “a man can whisper it into his pillow.” Because Witherspoon practically licks you right in the clit mid-coitus and doesn’t sound like the name for an English butler. “Witherspoon! Put out the fine china. Witherspoon! Drive me to the market. Witherspoon! I’ve killed a man with my chin again. Clean it up.”

If these get pulled like they already were from Cara Delevingne’s Instagram account (I’m sure that was a fun call.), Gawker has copies because the Internet is a precious gift.

Photos: Getty

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  1. Factoid

    Her real name is Laura Witherspoon. Reese is her mother’s maiden name.

  2. Girls are weird.

  3. I met her and her son the other day and she was very nice and she looked great in person. Was genuinely surprised that she would be so friendly.

    Cool story, bruh, I know.

    • Gordon

      I did too. She commented what a f-ing ugly loser you were and how hard she and her son laughed at the zits all over your face as they walked away.

  4. Reese Witherspoon MET Gala
    arty
    Commented on this photo:

    Stepfordlicious

  5. JimBB

    I bet she could have pronounced it right if you had offered her some yoga pants to do it.

  6. Deacon Jones

    That video would be great if she had a needle sticking out of her arm, flopping around when she moved her arms, lol

  7. pbjuicy

    Oh how I long for that hot ass in her Cruel Intentions days. Now not so much…

  8. Her last name is pronounced mer-oh-VIN-jee-an.

    • You’d think a trained actress could, you know, learn to pronounce them furrin’ words.

      Reese is a Southerner. She pretends to be sophisticated and worldly but down deep, she’s Honey BooBoo’s purty cousin.

      • I’m a Southerner. I studied French in high school, and it was my foreign language elective in college. I became fluent to the point that an actual French person mistook me for French. In conclusion, fuck you.

      • I speak eight languages fluently. I speak English better than you and it’s not my native language.

        Stay in the shallow end of the pool, cracker.

      • Southern Fried Bitch

        Bless your heart, Laarson. I guess if you can’t be pretty, or nice, you may as well learn to be a pretentious twat in more than one language.

      • Gen

        Ah c’mon Reese, don’t be a bitch, it’s not because you cannot even pronounce a name in another language that you have to be a mean cunt….oh I’m sorry, you are a fucking cunt! Never mind, my mistake!

      • This Larson bitch threw a tanty, called us all mean and flounced out the door a couple of months ago. Colour me SO surprised that she’s back, being just as big a bitch as before.
        And eight languages. That sounds true.

      • Eight languages that she learned on Google.

  9. I wouldn’t mind eating Reese’s Pieces.

    Note: Thank you Fish for giving me an opportunity to use this pun again in some form. Been husbanding this opportunity for some time. I said it once in 2001 and made a bunch of my friends laugh until they snorted their sodas through their nostrils. She was much cuter back in 2001 so the comedic effect had more impact back then. Her Pieces are probably a little stale these days, but still edible nonetheless.

  10. Cock Dr

    I do love to hear the word “fuck” come out of Reece’s primped preppy mouth.

  11. Michael_D

    Spice things up even more by imagining her saying this in the voice of Blanche Devereaux

  12. Cher X

    Hate to say it, but that video isn’t damning at all. They all look like they’re chatting and having fun

  13. How hard is it to say “deh-la-veen”, Reese?

  14. “The most important thing in a girl’s name is that “a man can whisper it into his pillow”
    In between bites, while she rams him with a strap-on. She looks the type.

  15. Dr. JFever

    Aha that is where the “What’s my name? Bitch” from American Pie came from.

  16. Mama Pinkus

    Ms. Witherspoon needs to stay away from liquor; it brings out the white trash in her.

  17. ace11

    Im surprised big Jimbo hasn’t kicked her southern behind to the curb yet

    anyone dumb enough to name there son Tennessee should be sentenced to

    5 years hard labor

  18. Well bless her heart.

  19. But can Reese say my name with my hog in her mouth?

    OK, sorry that’s over the line…

  20. ace11

    This chick must have something if all these guys want to marry her

    Phillippe, Toth and even Gyllenhaal before she dumped him like yesterdays

    news

  21. Urbanspaceman

    These celebutards live their entire lives in a scripted world on-camera and off-camera. I personally find it refreshing to see the mask drop, if only for a moment or two.

  22. People get a certain impression from the roles she plays, but recent behaviour (especially the DUI) indicate otherwise. I think she’s a stuck-up cunt.

  23. Jenn

    I hope Reese can suck a golfball through a garden hose because frankly, the blush is off that rose.

  24. Even four hotties yapping at the same time is as annoying as f*ck!!!

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