Albert Haynesworth is the Greatest Legal Strategist Alive
“If a man only likes white women, you must acquit.”
The eight-page document stated that Haynesworth was attending a birthday party the night of Feb. 12-13 and was ready to pay the bill of more than $800 when his waitress was called over with her hands full of dishes.
Insisting he wanted to pay immediately and before she could drop off the dishes, Haynesworth tapped the woman on her arm and shoulder with his card, according to the court papers. The waitress “looked up and down at herself, as if wondering where (Haynesworth) expected her to put (the card),” when he slid the card down the center of her bra and began touching her breast, the documents allege. He said something to the effect of “Can I do that?,” the documents state.
One witness who saw the exchange believed that the waitress had agreed to let Haynesworth place the card in her bra, but reported that her tone turned stern and she asked him to remove his hand after he touched her, according to the documents. The card was ultimately declined, and another waitress took it back to Haynesworth, prosecutors say in the document.
Now, here’s where it gets genius. Haynesworth turned down the plea deal because he believes his statement to police will absolve him of all charges. And what exactly was his statement?
“I didn’t touch her,” Haynesworth responded, according to the document, adding that he doesn’t “even like black girls.”
When police detectives later tried to interview Haynesworth, he spontaneously told them, according to court papers: “I know what this is about, she is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me.”
To put things in perspective, this would be like me grabbing Meghan McCain‘s breast and then denying I did it because I don’t “even like conservatives.” At the end of the day, boobs are boobs, and they cut through all racial and political barriers. Shit, sometimes even gender ones. Case in point: I’d touch Fergie‘s. Touch ‘em right in the boob part.
Thanks to Derrick whose next tip will be that I should seek professional help.