Albert Haynesworth is the Greatest Legal Strategist Alive

April 28th, 2011 // 33 Comments

“If a man only likes white women, you must acquit.”

Redskins lineman Albert Haynesworth turned down a plea deal yesterday for sexual abuse charges stemming from the following incident at a Washington hotel in February. Via the AP:

The eight-page document stated that Haynesworth was attending a birthday party the night of Feb. 12-13 and was ready to pay the bill of more than $800 when his waitress was called over with her hands full of dishes.
Insisting he wanted to pay immediately and before she could drop off the dishes, Haynesworth tapped the woman on her arm and shoulder with his card, according to the court papers. The waitress “looked up and down at herself, as if wondering where (Haynesworth) expected her to put (the card),” when he slid the card down the center of her bra and began touching her breast, the documents allege. He said something to the effect of “Can I do that?,” the documents state.
One witness who saw the exchange believed that the waitress had agreed to let Haynesworth place the card in her bra, but reported that her tone turned stern and she asked him to remove his hand after he touched her, according to the documents. The card was ultimately declined, and another waitress took it back to Haynesworth, prosecutors say in the document.

Now, here’s where it gets genius. Haynesworth turned down the plea deal because he believes his statement to police will absolve him of all charges. And what exactly was his statement?

“I didn’t touch her,” Haynesworth responded, according to the document, adding that he doesn’t “even like black girls.”
When police detectives later tried to interview Haynesworth, he spontaneously told them, according to court papers: “I know what this is about, she is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me.”

To put things in perspective, this would be like me grabbing Meghan McCain‘s breast and then denying I did it because I don’t “even like conservatives.” At the end of the day, boobs are boobs, and they cut through all racial and political barriers. Shit, sometimes even gender ones. Case in point: I’d touch Fergie‘s. Touch ‘em right in the boob part.

Thanks to Derrick whose next tip will be that I should seek professional help.

Photos: Getty


  1. Can they acquit him for being an ignoramus?

  2. Carl

    Stop muttering in your mirror.

  3. Its Fat Albert. Hey Hey Hey!

  4. kj

    I don’t think Fergie is all that hideous. Am I gay?

  5. I see somebody else doesn’t like wearing a bra either. Look at those tits sagging.

  6. Crabby Old Guy

    His legal defense is a poor as his NFL efforts for the Redskins (what a great team name – oh, to be able to own an NBA team and to call them the “*Insert City Here* Darkies”).

  7. Every decade has it’s own groundbreaking legal defense.

    The 90′s had “if the glove does not fit, you must acquit.
    2000′s gave us the “Chewbacca Defense”
    and now, in 2012 we have “I don’t even like black chicks”

    In legal latin, this would be “Non amo mulierum nigra” (turns out latin is a racist language)

  8. Commented on this photo:

    I think a better argument would have been “why would i touch hers when i have my own?”

  9. crazypants

    Eh, bad touch and he’s a pig, but did this really need to involve the police and attorneys and judges and all that? There’s abuse and then there’s some drunken slob pawing your tits in a restaurant.

    Slap the fat fuck, throw a drink in his face, ban him and his friends from the hotel, etc. But, really, the police are involved because some jerk got handsy with his server?

    • Mommy

      If she was a nice lady let’s say, just trying to go to work then go home and didn’t want him touching her in her breasts, then I DO think the police should be involved just so pigs like this can know it’s not ok to do things like that.

      I think she probably was being a tease in all honesty though. She gave permission for the card to be in the bra but got mad when he touched them? What do you expect?

      I think it’s so funny his card got declined too lol. If I were the server and just dealt with $800 worth of food, got felt up and then more than likely won’t be getting a tip …. I’d be mad! LOL

  10. Deacon Jones

    This guy is the blaring EPITOMY of a spoiled, immature, fucking baby of an athlete. He’s not worth his weight in SHIT.

    Criminal Record:
    Arrest warrants were issued against Haynesworth in two Tennessee counties in May 2006 stemming from a traffic incident on Interstate 40. Both sets of charges were dropped in June 2006. The judge in the Putnam County case tossed the charges on the grounds that the alleged offense happened out of their jurisdiction. In Smith County, the district attorney dismissed the charges.

    In March 2009, Haynesworth was indicted on two misdemeanor traffic charges stemming from a December 2008 car accident in Tennessee.[26] In an accident on Interstate 65, Corey Edmonson was partially paralyzed after colliding with Haynesworth’s car. Haynesworth was driving his Ferrari at speeds in excess of 100 mph when he struck Edmonson’s vehicle, which struck a concrete barrier.[27]

    On June 22, 2010, it has been reported that Clayton Bank & Trust is suing the NFL lineman, alleging that Haynesworth has failed to make payments on a loan in the amount of more than $2.38 million. The suit was filed in the Knox County Chancery Court on June 18, 2010. According to papers, Haynesworth entered a commercial loan agreement for the original principal amount of $2,381,688.58 on June 27, 2009. On February 27, 2009 the two parties entered into an Extension Agreement with an effective date of February 27, 2010, according to the suit. The attorney for Clayton Bank & Trust, Hugh B. Ward, Jr., is seeking a little over $2.4 million. [28]

    In 2010, Silvia Mena, a stripper from New York, claimed in a $10 million lawsuit that Haynesworth impregnated her and left her with no financial assistance.[27]

    In 2011, Haynesworth, 29, allegedly threw a punch to the nose of Joel Velazques, 38, of Leesburg, Va. during a traffic altercation

    • Deacon Jones

      “In a humorous response to Haynesworth’s failure to pass the Redskins conditioning test in July of 2010,[29][30] the August 27, 2010 edition of The Onion ran the headline (with an accompanying photo), “Report: Albert Haynesworth Just A Mound Of Ice Cream And Hot Dogs.” “

    • TomFrank

      If you’re going to cut and paste from Wikipedia, you should at least delete the footnote reference numbers.

  11. Hey, he did ask. How hard is it to step away from the table?

  12. Cock Dr

    “doesn’t even like black girls”
    It may be a legal strategy, but I doubt the DC fans will care for it.
    It will be fun listening to the crowd reaction if & when he returns to play.

    • some dude

      The wise citizens of DC re-elected Marion Barry after huffing crack rock on camera, then uttering the very statesman-like defense: “bitch set me up!”
      Plus, look at the popularity of Vick! The fans don’t give a shit in Philly, and they won’t in DC, either.

      • Colin

        Dude, fucking go somewhere and get a clue. DC area is the most well of and most educated area in the country. Stop talking out of your ass. You’re making yourself look dumb

  13. The real fun starts in twenty years when he can’t remember where he parked his Ferrrari and flies into a rage when the waitress tells him she’s not his mother.

  14. Keyser Ballsy

    He also doesn’t like 3-4 Defense.

  15. rough the source

    I love this planet of ours, but if for some reason it ever gets destroyed I hope one of the recordings that survive us is “where the white women at”

    I can visualize this in a Mad Max beyond thunderdome remake right now, disheveled orphans running around with mp3 s “where the white woman at”…

  16. The “I dont like black girls” line is priceless…I’d love to see the excuse he’d come up with if she was white..
    “I don’t like brunettes, I know what this is about, she is just upset I have a blonde girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a brunette girl. She was trying to get with me.”

  17. Commented on this photo:

    “i’m gonna give the bitch a credit card. Bitches love credit cards”.

  18. the captain


  19. Lisa

    Reminds of the movie Blazing Saddles “Where the white women at?”

  20. MisterSuccint
    Commented on this photo:

    Albert Notworth, number 100 (as in million dollars).

  21. Eddie Baby

    Nobody going to by I don’t like conservative chicks, but if you say you don’t do fat chicks, you might get away with it.

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