Real Clowns Are Pissed At Stephen King… I Wonder Why

As we approach the release of the new It remake next week, the clown hype has been coming in thick. So thick that the World Clown Association itself has put out a press kit condemning all horror movie clowns for giving them a bad name. In a letter written by organization spokeswoman Sparky the Firefighter Clown (I’m serious), she even tries to say that Jason Voorhees didn’t ruin hockey for kids or something really silly… then again this was written by a clown, soooo.

We understand that some people enjoy the “horror genre” of entertainment, but we find that many people are confronted by images of horror characters (impersonating clowns) and are startled by them…which is obviously the goal of these horror characters. In my opinion, these horror characters are not clowns. Even the character in the movie “IT” should be understood to be a fantasy character – not a true clown.

Please understand, just because someone wears a rubber Halloween mask, that does not make one a clown! The horror movie character, “Jason,” wears a hockey goalie mask. But, people would be mistaken if they actually thought he was a hockey player! We disavow any relationship with these “horror characters.” (Read the full release here.)

Jason? Really? That’s a horrible comparison you got there, Sparky. Besides the mask, Jason had about as much to do with the sport of hockey as Puerto Rico. Clowns on the other hand, specifically Pennywise, is doing exactly what “real” clowns do – grabbing kids’ attention with distractions while something else happens… in this case it just happens to be eternal damnation. Then there was John Wayne Gacy, but even the best movie about him was just meh…

The WCA has been sending Stephen King pissed off letters blaming him for their plummeting birthday gigs since April. I wonder what their thoughts are on ICP?

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, the fact that the World Clown Association is blaming Stephen King for why people are terrified of them or the fact that there is a World Clown Association in the first place… What goes on at their meetings? I feel like it looks like a post-halloween AA meeting where everyone in sad clown makeup sits in a circle smoking cigarettes while trying to cheer each other up.

Snibbles: Hi I’m Snibbles and I’m a clown.
All: Hi, Snibbles.
Snibbles: I was walking down the street on  Monday and saw a young boy and his mother on the sidewalk across from me. I silly walked across traffic and hid behind… *starts crying*… to pull a quarter out of his…
Bozango: Stay strong, Snib… you got this.
Snibbles: As soon as I poked my head up from behind the rusty old van I used as cover, the mother screamed, grabbed the boy, and threatened to call police. How is that scary!? Everyone used to love that gag! It’s all that goddamn Stephen King’s fault! Get Out was a scary movie that broke box office records and you don’t see people calling police every time an old white guy offers you some iced tea!