Rachel Dolezal Is Nothing Like Caitlyn Jenner, You Dumb F*cking F*cks

When I woke up Friday morning and first read the news about Rachel Dolezal, for a brief, apparently delusional minute I actually thought maybe, just maybe, this was something all of us could have a good laugh at together because it was patently ridiculous on its (black)face. Naturally, I was optimistically ignoring the conservative right’s love affair with minimizing the experiences of minorities because within the hour, “Rachel Dolezal is just like Caitlyn Jenner!” became the new “Josh Duggar is just like Lena Dunham!” bullshit argument du jour. Suddenly, the right – the same people who opposed desegregation and still want to tear up the Civil Rights Act – are now the champion for the transracial cause because it’ll take whatever stick it can get to beat Caitlyn Jenner over the head with. Even if that stick also suggests that black people can just say they’re white now which aesthetically is virtually impossible, not to mention there are deeper, more nuanced issues about white privilege at play here that I’ll leave for psychologists and black voices to do a way better job of explaining. At any rate, this all packed a nice, tidy parachute for Rachel Dolezal to go on The Today Show this morning and say things like, “I identify as black,” and this beautiful horseshit gem to try and line herself up with transgender people who legitimately do experience gender confusion at a young age. You motherfuckers really set the table for her here:

Dolezal says she began identifying as black as early as five years old, telling Lauer, “I was drawing self-portraits with the brown crayon instead of the peach crayon.”

Rachel also looked into a TV camera and said she has a “huge” issue with blackface which is some next level balls for someone trying to lie her way out of a goddamn avalanche of lies. Because here’s the first raw interview where Rachel was being interviewed by KXYL and completely unaware until it was way too late that the reporter knew her secret and had a photograph of her actual father, not the black man she pretended was her dad. Her reaction is not that of someone trying to lead her life as a transracial black woman, but of a con man caught in the act:

Before I get into listing Rachel’s trail of lies – which alone separate her from Caitlyn Jenner – here’s how I can tell Rachel Dolezal is a deranged, pathological liar who will never own up to her shit. When I was a teenager, I used to babysit for my four-year-old step-cousin so much she was like a little sister to me. Her mother, my aunt by marriage, was a very manipulative, two-faced person who didn’t think a 14-year-old saw her for who she was as long as I got some spending money and/or the chance to stay up all night playing my uncle’s Genesis. Slowly, my babysitting jobs began drying up, and she announced to our entire family that my little cousin had lupus. I knew something very wrong was happening and went to my parents who wrote my warnings off as a confused child in denial. It took Children & Youth Services pulling my cousin out of school after building a case against my aunt where she was caught stealing prescription pads, pumping her daughter full of cough medicine, and other messed up shit for everyone to see the light. Münchausen by proxy was now a term we all knew. My cousin went to live with my grandparents before going to be with her biological father in Texas. My aunt went on to a life of faking breast cancer, identity theft, credit card fraud, and landing herself back in jail within weeks every time she got out. Anyway, the point of this depressing story is that Rachel Dolezal is acting exactly like her. Constant lies on top of constant lies, and at the bottom of it is a contentious dynamic with mom and dad who, like my aunt’s parents, seem like wholesome charitable people on the surface, but something’s going on behind closed doors. Because here’s just the tip of the bullshit iceberg that’s already been discovered about Rachel:

In 2002 she sued Howard University for discriminating against her because she’s white. Which seems odd for a woman who just told Matt Lauer she’s identified as black since she was five.

Her artwork is turning out to be plagiarized.

She lied about having a black father.

She claimed she grew up in a teepee. A teepee.

She faked her own hate crimes.

At one point, she specifically told her brother “don’t blow my cover.”

I can’t say this enough: I fucking hate the stink of the Kardashians wafting off of Caitlyn Jenner and really wish there was a better avatar for transgenders, but I hate the stench of bullshit arguments even more. And I want to make it very clear that those arguments are the true face of the conservative right. How can they quickly minimize the most non-white, non-Christian, non-straight lives? And this was a goddamn buffet for them because, again, they had an opportunity to minimize transgender lives as well as the struggles of blacks which is an argument I can’t do justice, but here’s a link that does an incredible job of it. In the meantime, here’s Jon Stewart going to town without telling a depressing story about little kids being poisoned by their mother which is exactly what people want to read on a titty blog that makes fun of how Britney Spears talks. I run an amazing publication.

And here’s Larry Wilmore nailing it also.

Photo: NBC News