So R. Kelly Just Defended Bill Cosby

“Everybody hold up for a minute. Hold up. God might be trying to tell me something about them Bill Cosby bitches. — Nope, just to buy milk. ♫ And then I’ll pee on your panties… ♫

In a sprawling interview with GQ that does an almost remarkable job of trying to paint him into a corner where he’ll admit that maybe, just maybe he molested young girls because he himself was molested at a young age, R. Kelly defends Bill Cosby because R. Kelly is a goddamn crazy person who genuinely believes it’s impossible that he, himself, is guilty of any crimes because millions of people still buy his albums and come to his shows. He also says if he witnessed his own mother murdering somebody, he wouldn’t call the cops or think she belongs in jail, so keep that in mind when you read this, and maybe someone should investigate R. Kelly’s mom for murder. If she’s still alive. I’m too lazy to Google it.

Naturally, I ask his perspective on what has been happening with Cosby. Though Kelly begins carefully, his deeper and truer feelings quickly seem to take over, and what he is saying is clearly just as much about himself.
“Well, my opinion on that is, I don’t know what happened. I’m a fan of Bill Cosby’s from the Bill Cosby show, of course — who’s not? — and for me to give my opinion on something that I have no idea if it’s true or not, all I can say is that it was a long time ago. And when I look on TV and I see the 70-, 80-, 90-year-old ladies talking about what happened when they were 17, 18, or 19, there’s something strange about it. That’s my opinion. It’s just strange.”
Although if—
“[interrupts] It’s strange. Strange is strange. I can’t explain strange. That’s why strange is strange. Because it’s something we can’t explain.”

And like any crazy person worth their weight in batshit, R. Kelly reveals why he really doesn’t believe Cosby’s accusers are telling the truth, and it’s because his imaginary friend didn’t tell him they are. Yup, this is happening.

But don’t you think that if they’re telling the truth, it doesn’t matter how long ago it was?
“If God showed me that they were telling the truth, I would say that’s wrong. I don’t care if it was a zillion years ago. But God would have to do that, because God is the only one can show me that. No man can tell me that. No woman can tell me that. And when you wait 70 years, 50 years, 40 years, to say something that simple, it’s strange. You know why I say that is because it happened to me, and it wasn’t true.”

That was R. Kelly saying the only person who can prove Bill Cosby is guilty is God, and so far God hasn’t told him them bitches are telling the truth, so what’s R. Kelly to do? Just up and believe over 50 accounts of being drugged and raped by Bill Cosby that are only now seeing the light of day because we’re at a time and place where there’s a barely, almost negligible chance someone might take them seriously for once? Nah, God would’ve said something first. Plus R. Kelly can’t have people taking rape accusers seriously all of a sudden, but mostly that God stuff. That’s your smoking gun right there.

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