Scotland Yard Received New Information on Princess Diana’s Death

August 19th, 2013 // 15 Comments
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“My mother, your Queen, clearly stated, “Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?”

After narrowly surviving the Royal Car Seat scandal by the skin of their teeth, Buckingham Palace is once again being rocked by outrageuous innuendo after new information has surfaced in the untimely death of Princess Diana. It seems the former in-laws of some scallywag has tipped the ear of Scotland Yard to events that take the jam quite out of Prince Charles‘ donut because he dodges bullets, Avi. (I’m just writing words from Snatch now. I’m not even going to hide it.) Sky News reports:

The information, thought to include the allegation that the Princess of Wales, Dodi al Fayed and their driver were killed by a member of the British military, will be assessed by officers from the Specialist Crime and Operations Command.
According to Sky sources it was given to the police by the former parents-in-law of a former soldier.

Sky’s Crime Correspondent Martin Brunt said: “We understand this information includes an allegation that Princess Diana and Dodi al Fayed and the driver of their car were killed by a member of the British military.
“The information we’re told was passed to Scotland Yard quite recently. It also includes, we understand, references to something known as Diana’s diary.
“These are very early days, the information has just come in, and Scotland Yard is adamant in saying that this is not a reopening of its investigation from 2004 when it spent three years looking into the circumstances of the Princess’ death.
“But it is taking the information seriously and it is considering and it is possible that a new investigation may open.”

As to what’s in this mysterious diary, author Alan Power alleges it includes “embarrassing information” on Prince Charles, so I probably shouldn’t publish these mysterious pages I received this morning inside an English muffin, but I’m going to anyway:

July 7, 1989

I had succumbed to Charles demands to fornicate with both James Bond and Austin Powers, our top British agents. I reiterated to him that surely there must be better use for Herr Hitler’s Doomsday device than tawdry blackmail to which he replied, “It’s not a cookie, mother, it’s fruit and cake.” To this day I have no idea what that meant.

September 10, 1994

There we were again. Another pig farm. This time with a lively collie that danced to Irish jigs. As Charles smiled at the pup, he turned to me and said, “Why would one man wear the crown when he could spend all his days doing this?” From then on, he was more determined than ever to make his mother immortal. Also, there was some business about removing the head of a Scotsman and absorbing lightning from the wound.

September 15, 1994

Charles made Elizabeth remove the head of Scotsman and absorb lightning from the wound. Her cackling lasted the entire day.

December 25, 1994

The cackling finally seized. I was so terribly afraid the children’s Christmas would be ruined. Also, take note that Henry has become a bit of an exhibitionist while his brother is already balding. Speak to Dr. Breadenbottom in the morn.

August 31, 1997

I’m writing this in the car because I want to be sure to remember this: At the last minute, our driver was replaced by a man I have never met before in my life. He reeked of alcohol and spoke frequently about needing to look straight forward and not make eye contact with the beast. It was most disconcerti- Wait, something’s alighted upon the roof. And now leather wings are shrouding the windows. Before the driver can close the sunroof I look up and recognize that face anywhere! Eliza-

Nope, nothing incriminating here. God, the British are boring.

Photos: Getty


  1. Fish, if you didn’t make a living from this, I’d say you had entirely too much time on your hands. Well done.

  2. josh

    Even if it was true nothing would come of it. The palace is untouchable, nobody high up in the UK would want such revelations coming to light. It’ll just be suppressed.

    • JC

      So, roughly speaking:

      Scotland Yard : British royalty car “accidents” :: California justice system : Lindsay Lohan’s car “accidents”

      The Brits: They’re just like us.

  3. Prince Charles Princess Diana Death Investigation
    Commented on this photo:

    Hmmm…looks like the royal family might be getting proper fucked (sorry, just had to continue the Snatch quotes lol).

  4. The ‘new information’ is an unsubstantiated allegation found in the diary of an estranged in-law of a British military guy. The nut job in law accuses the guy of having had something to do with offing Diana. Seems like just bullshit from a crazy person who wouldn’t have had any actual knowledge of anything anyway. Must be too hard to just accept that when your driver is whacked out on booze and drugs, driving like a loon, that accidents can happen.

  5. He looks like he just got yelled at by the Queen.

  6. Everyone knows the queen assassinated Diana. First she dated the Indian doctor and then the Arab billionaire. There was no way they were going to let the mother of the future king continue in this manner and possibly end up married to one of these guys or God forbid have a baby with one of them.

    I like Diana and obviously what they did to her was wrong, but she should have known better. She had to know they would kill her for doing this. These are people whose families slaughtered and enslaved entire nations for centuries, did she really think they were above killing little old her?

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      Hybrid lizards have standards, you know. Their flesh incubators can’t go round fucking any ole sand n*gger they want just because they’re off the payroll.

  7. It wouldn’t surprise me if this is true. But it’s been almost 16 years. Why wouldn’t anyone have discovered this earlier if true?

  8. Jenn

    It was the Queen. In the Tunnel. With a motorbike.

  9. Leo

    Pretty funny stuff, but trust a Yank not to know the difference between “seize” and “cease”…

    • crb

      Agreed. And trust a Brit not to know the difference between civilization and functional dentistry certification procedures.

  10. Prince Charles Princess Diana Death Investigation
    Commented on this photo:

    Soft hearts of women, eh Joffrey? You know nothing.

  11. ak

    Lots of activity surrounding Diana all at once – very interesting.

    Btw, she could not have slept with Austin Powers in 1989 – he was cryogenically frozen ;) Or maybe she did – what would one call that – cryonecrophilia?

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