“My mother, your Queen, clearly stated, “Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?”
After narrowly surviving the Royal Car Seat scandal by the skin of their teeth, Buckingham Palace is once again being rocked by outrageuous innuendo after new information has surfaced in the untimely death of Princess Diana. It seems the former in-laws of some scallywag has tipped the ear of Scotland Yard to events that take the jam quite out of Prince Charles‘ donut because he dodges bullets, Avi. (I’m just writing words from Snatch now. I’m not even going to hide it.) Sky News reports:
The information, thought to include the allegation that the Princess of Wales, Dodi al Fayed and their driver were killed by a member of the British military, will be assessed by officers from the Specialist Crime and Operations Command.
According to Sky sources it was given to the police by the former parents-in-law of a former soldier.
Sky’s Crime Correspondent Martin Brunt said: “We understand this information includes an allegation that Princess Diana and Dodi al Fayed and the driver of their car were killed by a member of the British military.
“The information we’re told was passed to Scotland Yard quite recently. It also includes, we understand, references to something known as Diana’s diary.
“These are very early days, the information has just come in, and Scotland Yard is adamant in saying that this is not a reopening of its investigation from 2004 when it spent three years looking into the circumstances of the Princess’ death.
“But it is taking the information seriously and it is considering and it is possible that a new investigation may open.”
As to what’s in this mysterious diary, author Alan Power alleges it includes “embarrassing information” on Prince Charles, so I probably shouldn’t publish these mysterious pages I received this morning inside an English muffin, but I’m going to anyway:
July 7, 1989
I had succumbed to Charles demands to fornicate with both James Bond and Austin Powers, our top British agents. I reiterated to him that surely there must be better use for Herr Hitler’s Doomsday device than tawdry blackmail to which he replied, “It’s not a cookie, mother, it’s fruit and cake.” To this day I have no idea what that meant.
September 10, 1994
There we were again. Another pig farm. This time with a lively collie that danced to Irish jigs. As Charles smiled at the pup, he turned to me and said, “Why would one man wear the crown when he could spend all his days doing this?” From then on, he was more determined than ever to make his mother immortal. Also, there was some business about removing the head of a Scotsman and absorbing lightning from the wound.
September 15, 1994
Charles made Elizabeth remove the head of Scotsman and absorb lightning from the wound. Her cackling lasted the entire day.
December 25, 1994
The cackling finally seized. I was so terribly afraid the children’s Christmas would be ruined. Also, take note that Henry has become a bit of an exhibitionist while his brother is already balding. Speak to Dr. Breadenbottom in the morn.
August 31, 1997
I’m writing this in the car because I want to be sure to remember this: At the last minute, our driver was replaced by a man I have never met before in my life. He reeked of alcohol and spoke frequently about needing to look straight forward and not make eye contact with the beast. It was most disconcerti- Wait, something’s alighted upon the roof. And now leather wings are shrouding the windows. Before the driver can close the sunroof I look up and recognize that face anywhere! Eliza-
Nope, nothing incriminating here. God, the British are boring.