Prince William Touched A Woman’s Hip, God Save The Empire!

“Are you going to choke me with my gold rope thing again?”
“Bitch, I might, bitch. Don’t even talk, bitch.”
“Yes, mum.”

If you haven’t heard about the latest scandal from the Royal Family, then you’re probably an American who’s too busy training to fight your fellow man to the death in the Outback Steakhouse Arena Brought To You By Halliburton for access to an MRI and/or sandwich. (Don’t worry. Any woman who’s at least a solid 8 will be granted both per The Pussy Grab Accords.) But enough prescient insights into the future because Prince William is in the shithouse after photographs and videos of him enjoying himself without his wife – If you’re married, your sphincter just folded space and time clenching itself. – were blasted all over the internet where they got a surprising amount of mileage for a dude putting his hand on a woman’s hip in a bar and clearly going, “WHAT?! — Yeah, I’ll go half on nachos!”

So let’s wildly speculate on their body language at the Irish Guard’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade where somehow the most boring couple in the world are already drinking more than me today. Goddammit.

kate middleton smiling
“Darling, what is it? The men said it was urgent.”
“I’m going to stab you in the bald face.”
 

kate middleton laughing prince william
“Hahahaha!”
 

kate middleton
“HaHAhaHahAhAHaHaHA!”

And that’s why I should work for the BBC. The End.

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Photo: Getty