THE ROYAL CAR SEAT STRAPS ARE ALL WRONG! STOP THE INTERNET!

July 25th, 2013 // 35 Comments
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“I can’t flip anybody off in here! RELEASE YOUR KING AT ONCE.”

Some people might say this site is the worst possible type of blog imaginable, soul rotting, bullshit even, and those people would be mostly right except they’d be forgetting there’s still one step below me: Mommy blogs. Case in point: The arguments for Sharia Law over at BabyCenter who lost their fucking minds over the above photo of Prince George in his car seat for a photo op outside the hospital. Because this was, of course, exactly how Kate Middleton was going to take the kid home in an armored SUV with no less than 10 Mary Poppinses inside. Even better, being goddamn monarchs leaving a hospital in England should naturally be like the time you left with your newborn, Bry from Omaha, so thank you for mentioning that your hospital inspected your car seat first. That was incredibly useful information. And, well played, “laughinggirl127″ for going straight to Princess Di dying in a car accident. For a minute there, I thought this was going to get way over-dramatic:

How sad since wills mom died in a car accident. Horrible. Even if you were unsure how could you look at that and think yep that’s it with the strap falling off. Smh.

Look, I’m extremely friendly to the feminist cause, and will be the first to say that for the most part woman still have it way shittier than men. But if your thought process is to doom a child to dying in a tragic car accident just like his grandmother because you spent an entire afternoon memorizing the Graco manual, maybe it should be illegal for you to read and write. Don’t get me wrong, it was a nice idea, but sometimes things don’t work out. You understand? (Distract her with shoes while I get the net.)

Photo: Getty, WENN

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  1. JC

    I would have assumed they put the Royal baby in the backseat and then packed commoners’ babies around him as padding.

  2. I wonder how many angered BabyCenter mommies are currently ignoring their babies while busy blogging their displeasure at the royal motorcar swaddling technique.

    • Is it too much for me to hope that one of the shrieking mommy bloggers gets so worked up commentating from her iphone that she drives off, forgetting she put her baby in its carseat on the roof of her SUV? C’mon, Jeebus, we’ve been pretty good sports about the whole Justin Bieber business, now make this happen!

  3. Huh, so that’s why my soul has been rotting.

  4. Jay

    Fish, that link? Pure comedic gold…… soul rotting, bullshit even,

  5. Beltliner

    Mommy bloggers writhing like the tentacles of Cthulu… to read it induces madness.

  6. oh i know

    Fish, you can rot my soul any day! ;)

  7. What if your soul was already rotten before you came here? And to the whiny wannabe supermoms complaining about this: STFU and go take care of your own baby. And fuck you for bringing up Princess Diana.

  8. EricLR

    When I was a kid, you would be lucky if they didn’t sit you on the dashboard while mom had a smoke.

    • BlinkyTheFish

      Right, back in my day it was no seat belts and mom chain smoking Mores. I’m still alive, kicking, and fairly emotionally stable.

    • Yup. Learned the feel of a steering wheel sitting on dad’s lap. (In a 1967 Mustang, by the way.)

      • Drove all the way from Jersey to Disneyworld with my 2 sisters and 3 cousins, all of us in the back of an oldsmobile station wagon where it was either just flat & no seat belts, or with that seat flipped up and facing backwards (and still no seat belts). My mom & aunt chain smoking pall malls the whole freaking way.

  9. Ruth

    Love you Fish.

  10. UGH…DON’T CARE!

  11. Sheppy

    I just had a quick look, and I like this one:
    [i]“koolchicken says:
    July 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm
    People can try and justify their actions all they want. But I’ve thought about this and I’ve come to a conclusion- the carseat mistake was unacceptable. My mother always said “Life is a series of choices”. They didn’t have to play into the media circus, they didn’t have to pose for photos, they could have waited to debut the baby. This is attention seeking to the extreme. Didn’t the Princess of Sweden wait and give the press photos? Kate and Will could have too, they opted not to. So with the world watching William (a college educated man in his thirties) didn’t even try to strap his kid into his car seat properly before driving off. There really isn’t a good excuse for this.”[/]

    • JC

      The best part is that you know that the poster’s kids were snorting the pills they found in the medicine cabinet and/or running a train on the 7-year-old girl next door while their mom ignored them in favor of howling in outrage on the interwebs.

    • If “Life is a series of choices”, why did koolchicken choose to be so everlastingly fucking stupid?

  12. Frank Burns

    Uhm, if you guys weren’t spending all day trolling the mommy blogs looking for pictures of pregnant women, you wouldn’t have run into an annoying story. Anyway, in England, just like they drive on the other side of the road, they also put babies on the other side of the seat belt. Get some culture, people!

    • Ahem….car seats for infants don’t have a single restraining strap, but a shoulder harness that pulls down over both shoulders and snaps into a buckle between the legs.
      FYI, eating yoghurt does not mean you have culture.

  13. JungleRed

    Enough with the goddamn baby!

  14. I´m more surprised about the fact that the baby is probably boiling hot because his arsehole parents have put him in long sleeves and swaddled him tight in a blanket during Britains most intense heatwave since 1990 o.0 With the temp way up in the 90s,that poor kid has a right to be pissed.Doesnt matter how badly they strap the kid in when they´ve set him up for heat stroke.This kid bores me already *eye roll*

  15. I wonder if that blog attracts a lot of Gweneth Paltrow followers.

  16. Jenn

    It was the stench of rotting souls that attracted me to this site. So deliciously putrid.

    It’s almost 90 degrees over there, screw the straps why is the baby all covered in that blankie? I had mine at this time of year, she was in tshirt, shorts and socks from the get go. I think I had a light sheet weight blanket laying on top of her. If I had swaddled her,I think she may have jumped up and smacked me. Of course, she’s American, she wanted to be free, FREE from swaddled oppression!

  17. Kate

    I might be a harpy too, but I have to say I agree with the crazy moms on this one. That kid’s car seat straps are all kinds of wrong! You don’t have to memorize a Graco manual to know how to properly put your kid in the car, which is arguably the only thing they check that you know how to do competently before sending you on your way. Also, why the hell didn’t anyone in the hospital tell them how wrong it was?

    Also, totally agree with the others about the blankets.

  18. Natalie

    If you watched the feed live, you would have noticed that when Kate got in the car, she adjusted the straps. Since I didn’t notice the shotty strapping job as her husband put the baby in the car, I remember thinking, “Why is she fooling around with the straps?” Now we know.

  19. Prince William Kate Middleton Leaving The Lindo Wing With The Royal Baby
    guest
    Commented on this photo:

    oh the antichrist is born!! Good luck in life rosemary’s baby!! OH HOW SWEET OF THEM TO SHARE THIS EVENT WITH US PEASANTS!!

  20. Everyone of my friends who’s wives have had kids say the same thing – “Dont let them become stay at home moms because they lose their fucking minds.”

    • I´m a stay at home mum and have been for 15 years now..you WILL lose your mind.Seriously,playdates and kids and toys and cartoons 24/7 for years on end *will* make you crazy lol.

    • I can confirm based on my own first hand experiences, that stay at home moms convince themselves that they are always really busy doing really important things, all day, every day, when in fact if they did none of the things they spend all day whining about, no one would even fucking notice. I suppose everyone likes to believe that they serve some important function in life, but really, organizing the baby’s clothes drawers and that kind of shit, either do it and stfu, or don’t do it and stfu. just stfu and stop whining about how tired you are from doing all the made up nonsense chores you invent to make yourself feel like you’re busy doing something important.

  21. deathtomombloggers

    A) Those swaddling blankets are basically see through fabric AND newborns need to be covered up from the sun even in the summer, so every back the fuck off about how the poor kid is over heating.
    B) You can actually safely strap a kid in while swaddled – not saying they did it right, but you absolutely can so back the fuck off over that one too.,
    C) They have a motorcade taking them home, so they could have carried the kid in their laps and been totally fine.
    I really hate when stupid mommy bloggers make the rest of us look like bored idiotic drama queens. Put down the smart phone and walk away from the iterate, I’m pretty sure your kid needs you.
    Now excuse me while I go back drinking wine and eatting bonbons while my kid scribbles all over my walls.

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