The Pope Just Said Atheists Go To Heaven

May 23rd, 2013 // 71 Comments
Pope Francis
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“Now hear me out, Cardinal Vengeance, I was only-”
“You will pay for this insolence, Francis. Rosary KICK!”

While Catholics have stood by as the church systematically shielded and abetted serial child molesters for decades, Pope Francis is probably going to finally face intense criticism and revolt for saying atheists make it into Heaven because all God really cares about is kindness and being good to each other. Because raping kids is one thing, but what the fuck is that? Just be nice? These people paid good money to say they’re better than everyone else, you sonofabitch! Via Gawker:

Referencing a passage from the Gospel of Mark in his homily, the Pope recounted the story of a priest who told an inquiring Catholic that Jesus redeemed everyone, even atheists, and all he asks in return is that people “do good and do not do evil.”
“The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone!” the Pope quoted the priest as saying.
“Father, the atheists?,” the skeptical Catholic responded. “Even the atheists. Everyone!” the priest replied, and added: “We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

When reached for comment Christianity said, “For the record, that shit is INSANE. And we’d like all Catholics to know, we’re still firmly in the business of condemning queers, atheists, scientists, cough-cough-black-presidents to an eternity of burning in hellfire, so maybe join us one Sunday. We won’t even make you eat Jesus! Ha, just kidding. We do that, too. Bring the kids.”

Photo: Getty

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  1. Hank

    We if we don’t want to go? I’d hate to go to a Christian afterlife party that I can never leave. Holy Moly.

    • Plurp

      Don’t worry. Contrary to what is being reported, the Pope did not say Atheists go to Heaven. He is stating that Christ died for EVERYONES salvation, not just Catholics or Christians. He is stating that in doing good works an atheist can grow to know Christ and God. But that is the key. If an atheist leads a decent life and does positive, good things in this world, but still chooses not to believe and accept the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, then he doesn’t go to Heaven. Just like the believer who does not do good. So again, you don’t have anything to worry about.

    • Well I’ve made it out in my will that my body is to be thrown into the forests so the animals can nourish on my rotting flesh and continue the cycle of the socialist communist nature earthmother AND therefore there will be nothing left of me to go to heaven. SO THERE!

      • That’s awesome, Archie! I too want to sign up for being food for the forest animals. Ooh, I want to be dropped in the Congo! That would be a really unusual resting place!

      • Mark D.

        I think being dropped on the freeway would be quicker. That way the blood and flesh would be washed away by the rain after the body is reduced to mush. That way the earthmother won’t have to work so hard get get her needed rotting flesh.

  2. The next round of crackers and grape juice is on me, sinners!

  3. Cock Dr

    I feel SO much better about that whole mortality thing now.
    Just think……we get that afterlife award without having to follow all the stupid Catholic rules and regulations. Woo-hoo!

  4. Emma Watson's Vagina

    I think this is a good Pope.

  5. I have been a practicing Catholic my whole life. I have always agreed with this- I don’t buy that premarital sex and missing Mass send you straight to Hell. That is absurd. What will send you to hell is acting like a dick your whole life. Be nice to everyone you meet. The end.

  6. Atheists can go to heaven now?

    Hell, I’d have just been satisfied if the Catholic church stopped acting as a child rape cult, but this is good too.

    • Those raped kids would’ve wanted it this way is how I’m selling this to myself.

      • The Lord works in mysterious ways.

      • I really have to wonder if he has done the reading. Because last time I checked, you accept Jesus as the Son of God and as your savior having died for your sins, then you get to go to heaven. If he is bypassing that minor caveat on which the whole of Christianity is based, he just altered 2000 years of history.

        And what about the atheists who died last week? Are they covered retroactively, or are they REALLY pissed off in hell. And who was the last would to enter hell, for all eternity? Unlucky person, that.

      • Plurp

        He is not saying atheists go to Heaven. His statements are being completely misinterpreted. He is saying that Jesus has died for everyone, not just Catholics or Christians. He is saying that doing good works can lead an unbeliever to Christ, which will lead him to salvation. An atheist that leads a good moral life and still doesn’t accept the salvation of Christ, will not receive it. Same as always. The main point is that Catholics must continue to do good and be accepting and show love to everyone who also does good, because as good Christians we want to see everyone saved.

      • I’m pretty sure it’s retroactive, but call Carl in Human Resources.

  7. Jen

    Hmmm….this one maybe makes some incorrect assumptions….as a research scientist and practicing Catholic I have found that Catholicism is one of the more liberal of the Christian denominations……not condemning anyone. Perhaps you were thinking of one of the other “southern belt” denominations? Be funny….but be accurate.

    • Agreed. I mentioned yesterday how it blows my mind to think that faith-based education is actually telling people that the world is flat, the sun revolves around it and it’s only 4000 years old. No one ever tried to pass that nonsense off on me in school. My curriculum was well-versed a round planet circling the sun that is over 4 billion years old, among other science-y stuff.

      • Iveski, that “flat earth” comment was directed at someone who declared we haven’t learned anything new about the universe in the past 10,000 years. I was being sarcastic about the geocentric model of the universe still being taught in schools, but there are plenty of people out there who firmly believe Archbishop Usher’s timeline and that dinosaurs and Jesus walked the earth at the same time because there can’t be such a thing as evolution.

      • See, that’s just sad…

    • “Not condemning anyone”? Seriously? Auto da fe, much?

      Sweetie, right up until Vatican II the Church condemned the fuck out of lot of people, up to and including the Jews for killing Christ, and in the last two centuries didn’t mind conflating then with Godless Bolsheviks, whom – guess what? – they also had no problem condemning. The Church had no problem condemning films like “The Last Temptation of Christ”; they also had no problem with condemning lots of books that they knew would make you lose your faith if you read them. They condemn yoga today, because any “enlightenment” that might result is antithetical with the Church’s teachings.

      A great many people find the concept that if you become pregnant after being raped, God wants that baby to be born so no Plan B for you, even if you’re ten years old and a victim of incest, to be a pretty abhorrent one, so please don’t tell me how “liberal” Catholicism is now, because if that isn’t an outright condemnation I don’t know what is. The “incorrect assumptions” here are yours.

      • Yeah but I don’t believe the Catholic Church has any power in enforcing these condemnations. I have never heard anything about the Church condemning yoga, so I will take your word for it as you seem to obsess about Catholicism more than Catholics do themselves, but I have never seen the Vatican police do any raids on yoga studios.
        I would say Catholics are on the whole most apathetic about their religion(American Catholics at least). Pretty much you are born, someone throws some water on you, you only have to show up to mass on major holidays if you feel like it, and even then you sit in the back and sneak out early. If you do something bad, you just say a couple Hail Mary’s and you get a pass into Heaven. And if there is no afterlife, you’re still in the dirt with everyone else.
        As far as birth control goes, every Catholic girl I have dated has been on the pill.

      • Enforcement is another matter – heretics aren’t burned at the stake anymore, but the Church is an authoritarian institution, and though it’s rarely done now, excommunication is still a reality. So no, the Swiss Guards aren’t going to be raiding lululemon, nor will the Curia tool up and kneecap you in the midst of a downward facing dog, but if you read the newsletter you know that IT.IS.NOT.APPROVED. Likewise birth control, it’s a sin – and God knows, you’ll be darned to heck if you keep it up – at the very least, you’ll be in purgatory and denied the sight of God for a couple of centuries. Hey, my grandmother used birth control because her deadbeat husband couldn’t hold a job and she had to support him and the three kids they already had, and she’d go to the next parish for confession because she was terrified the priest would know it was her and make lightning strike her diaphragm. So after getting absolution and doing whatever penance was required and swearing to sin no more, she’d ignore that last bit and go right back to using it, and then get all sanctimonious about my mother going to a service at her friend’s Protestant church. In my experience most people who claim to be good or devout whatevers pick and choose just what it is they want to be devout about, and then use that high horse to condemn the rest of humanity. Nice work if you can get it.

        The Catholics you know may be apathetic, but according to dogma you can’t get into heaven through faith alone, it’s faith through good works and charity that will grant you salvation. And until now, those good works had to be performed while in a state of grace – in other words, a dues paying, free of sin confessed member of the Church.

  8. Jilll

    Phew, close call. I was really worried about all the suffeing I was going to do in that eternal hellfire I DON”T BELIEVE IN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  9. Not to denigrate anyone’s beliefs but the whole heaven/hell thing has always struck me as absurd. We’re here for such a short time, we barely have time to get shit figured out and it’s over. To think we’ll spend an eternity in paradise for that or an eternity with a pitchfork jammed up your ass is just childish to me!

    • Jimmy

      Don’t feel special. Most of the world thinks this way, except for those who were brainwashed by their parents at a very young age.

  10. Goose

    Jesus tapdancing Christ – take this shit back to r/atheism and get back to T&A.

  11. Randal(l)

    What I never got about this Heaven or Hell nonsense was that from my understanding this God character was supposed to be all unconditional love and what not. Isn’t devoting your life to a very specific set of beliefs a pretty big fucking condition.

    I’ll love you no matter what…unless you don’t believe and do exactly as I tell you to, then it’s off to flaming pitchfork sodomy land for you buddy.

    Randal(l)

    • Thus speaks the Lord: “You are all my children, made in my image, and given the gift of free will to do as you please. I will love you unconditionally, no matter…HEY YOU! The guy without pants…just what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Do you WANT to go to Hell…???”

  12. cc

    Phew, is that ever a relief. The sleepless nights this has caused me.

  13. Tronald Dump

    This website is becoming a troll hangout. Can’t we try to be funny and not just… douchey.

  14. Now this is a Pope I can get with!

  15. Kel

    Well, my ticket to Hell is going to be a lot harder to obtain now.

  16. Lapsed

    Pretty intolerant of the Catholics, eh?

  17. Colin

    “I FIND YOUR LACK OF FAITH… okay, I guess.”

  18. Randal

    Whether it’s torturing pagans into submission, profiteering from a holocaust, or passing a twelve-year-old boy around like a basket of bread, no other catholic leader quite wears the look of our new pontif.

    P.S. Sassy dress you’re rocking, excellency. Anna Wintour must be green with jealousy!

    Randal

  19. Ya know, if I had to be anally raped I guess I’d just as soon have the pope do it. Well, the Pope or Kanye, either would be fine.

  20. The Pope

    And here is where I casually took out my revolver and shot the swordsman in black.

  21. juacha

    jajaja carajo te banco francisco!
    Basically what francisco is trying to say, is that we all go to heaven, but Cristina Kirchner and all her corruptus team of dicks go to hell. TRUE FACT

  22. hahalolpoopie

    Well Obama is a complete moron at doing ‘the prez’. Being black is his crutch — if it were Bush doing the shit Obama has been doing he’d be humiliated and impeached .

  23. You know you’re not as atheistic as you thought you were if you just read this and went “Phew, thank G-wait!”.

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