The Pope Just Said Atheists Go To Heaven

“Now hear me out, Cardinal Vengeance, I was only-“
“You will pay for this insolence, Francis. Rosary KICK!”

While Catholics have stood by as the church systematically shielded and abetted serial child molesters for decades, Pope Francis is probably going to finally face intense criticism and revolt for saying atheists make it into Heaven because all God really cares about is kindness and being good to each other. Because raping kids is one thing, but what the fuck is that? Just be nice? These people paid good money to say they’re better than everyone else, you sonofabitch! Via Gawker:

Referencing a passage from the Gospel of Mark in his homily, the Pope recounted the story of a priest who told an inquiring Catholic that Jesus redeemed everyone, even atheists, and all he asks in return is that people “do good and do not do evil.”
“The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone!” the Pope quoted the priest as saying.
“Father, the atheists?,” the skeptical Catholic responded. “Even the atheists. Everyone!” the priest replied, and added: “We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there.”

When reached for comment Christianity said, “For the record, that shit is INSANE. And we’d like all Catholics to know, we’re still firmly in the business of condemning queers, atheists, scientists, cough-cough-black-presidents to an eternity of burning in hellfire, so maybe join us one Sunday. We won’t even make you eat Jesus! Ha, just kidding. We do that, too. Bring the kids.”

Photo: Getty