Police: Lindsay Lohan Was Drunk or High in Rehab

Palm Desert police are adamant that Lindsay Lohan violated her probation the night she allegedly attacked a Betty Ford employee and are now certain she was definitely drunk – or even high – at the time, because they’re rational human beings with functioning logic centers. TMZ reports:

Sources say the cops believe Lindsay was under the influence of drugs or alcohol — which would be a violation of her probation in the Beverly Hills DUI case. And they believe she violated probation by refusing to submit to a breathalyzer.

Except now Lindsay’s accuser Dawn Holland issued a statement today saying absolutely nothing happened and confirming the Lohan storyline that Lindsay was the one who called the cops, according to RadarOnline:

“It is important to note that it was Ms. Lohan, and not Ms. Holland who called 911 on December 12th. Had Ms. Lohan not called 911 – this incident never would’ve been public knowledge, let alone criminally investigated.
“Ms Holland has long held that recovery is not always a pretty process and the workings of a recovery center have never been for the faint of heart. As a recovering addict herself, Ms. Holland is proud of Lindsay for making the always difficult voyage toward recovery.
“Had the interaction between these two ladies occurred in front of a police officer anywhere in this Country, no probation would’ve been violated, no arrests would’ve been made and certainly no criminal charges would have been filed. The recent reports of criminality and probation violations are much adieu about nothing.”

Why do I get the feeling if you walked into Dawn Holland’s house right now you’d find Ali Lohan chained to the stove washing her dishes? No, really, at first I thought Dina just paid her off, but then I realized there’s no way Lindsay’s credit cards have enough balance to cover this level of cooperation. This is clearly one of those times where only white slavery will do the trick, but then again, that’s been my solution for everything lately. *tries to unjam printer* Dammit! Where’s a kidnapped Ukrainian girl when you need one?

Photos: Bauer-Griffin