Is this an ad for BookFinder?

I would almost prefer Kate Hudson over waking up next to this.

Look on the bright side, she’ll be dead soon.

This is a book about the amount of time between her waking up and pouring her first drink.

Picture taken one second after being asked, “Did you really write it?”

I want whatever fucking drugs she is on. She always has that same expression.

That laugh was so cute. 35 years ago.

Did someone throw a bottle of Gin?

Somewhere, Kurt Russell is spending a fortune buying up copies of her book around the country, in hopes it will keep Goldie on a year-long book signing tour.

Not seen: Some kid with a water pistol trying to fill her up so he can win a stuffed bear.

Black microphone? Anyone?

Melanie Griffith, Drescher, now her—did I miss something in the papers? Is it Gaping Piehole Month?

I really used to like her, and maybe I still would if she hadn’t unleashed that titless fug of a daughter upon us.

“Ha ha! I just let one go!”

10 mindful minutes is what she remembers before her Alzheimer’s kicks in.

“HA-HA-HA!!! How many languages is it available in? I can barely write in English.”

It’s a new circus act…the lion sticks his head in her mouth.

goldie hawn seen here showing everybody how to properly work a black microphone

Piccadilly? More like pick-a-pilly

Black microphone? No. The lighting guys must be setting up.

Um, what do I win if I squirt beer inside her mouth until her head explodes like a delicate balloon?

Lilo comparison please?

I thought these boots were only worn by old prostitu… oh, I get it.

Who wants to see my tits?!!!