1. ‘Crap, I got the scooter, the dog, put the peanut butter on my balls, and still the dog isn’t fellating me. I guess you really can’t believe everything you read on the internet.’

  2. “Dear Professor X,

    I fell off my scooter and got a boo boo on my knee. Please come pick me up, there is a scary dog here.”

  3. Lest any of you out there think it’s okay to be a grown-ass man and riding around on a scooter, it’s NOT. Are we clear?

  4. I'mCool

    In his defense, I think we all know it’s nearly impossible to send a text while walking your dog and riding your scooter in skeleton shoes and sunglasses.

  5. Even the dog is wondering what the fuck is up with those shoes.

  6. “Weird. It smells like Bradley Cooper and Vaseline down here.”

  7. Worst. X-Men. Movie. EVER.

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