1. Brit

    “…and mark my words, you can also contract HPV from champagne when handled improperly, as I shall demonstrate

    • crb


      “Is there a vagina in here, too?”

      “No, that’s a-”

      “-YES THERE IS MR. ZETA-JONES! Dude, just let him have his fun, he’s like a hundred, okay?…”

  2. True to his character, Douglas attempts to uncork the champagne “Liberace Style”

  3. cc

    See what I’m doing with my hand? Imagine it’s my tongue. This is sort of how I got throat cancer.

  4. He’s starting to get that crazy, KIRK Douglass look in his eyes.

  5. The new Fisty Twisty bottle opens right up for the elderly.

  6. Bob

    “Seriously, by the time I first met her I could already do this…”

  7. “Behold, the most expensive penis pump in the world”

  8. “I can’t help it! I’m a sex addict!”

  9. ” After Matt Damon put the crutons in my ass he popped some bubbly after we wrapped up.”

  10. CtF

    See, Catherine was like a very fine champagne. And this? This is how I got cancer. Only with my face.

  11. fred

    “. . . So the doctor says, “This is what the prostate exam looks like when you hit 70.” Boy, I tell ya. Getting old really sucks you guys.”

  12. “You must be certain that the woman — or the bottle, as the case may be — is sufficiently lubricated before attempting a “fisting” maneuver!”

  13. Michael Douglas graphically demonstrates not only the primary reason for his marriage to Catherine Zeta Jones but it’s eventual demise.

  14. Jenn

    So, he says, bend over and I did, and I mean, wow, it was grea…What? This isn’t the Proctologist Convention? Dammit! Well, same speech.

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