“…and mark my words, you can also contract HPV from champagne when handled improperly, as I shall demonstrate
“Is there a vagina in here, too?”
“No, that’s a-”
“-YES THERE IS MR. ZETA-JONES! Dude, just let him have his fun, he’s like a hundred, okay?…”
True to his character, Douglas attempts to uncork the champagne “Liberace Style”
See what I’m doing with my hand? Imagine it’s my tongue. This is sort of how I got throat cancer.
He’s starting to get that crazy, KIRK Douglass look in his eyes.
The new Fisty Twisty bottle opens right up for the elderly.
“Seriously, by the time I first met her I could already do this…”
“Behold, the most expensive penis pump in the world”
“I can’t help it! I’m a sex addict!”
” After Matt Damon put the crutons in my ass he popped some bubbly after we wrapped up.”
See, Catherine was like a very fine champagne. And this? This is how I got cancer. Only with my face.
“. . . So the doctor says, “This is what the prostate exam looks like when you hit 70.” Boy, I tell ya. Getting old really sucks you guys.”
“You must be certain that the woman — or the bottle, as the case may be — is sufficiently lubricated before attempting a “fisting” maneuver!”
Michael Douglas graphically demonstrates not only the primary reason for his marriage to Catherine Zeta Jones but it’s eventual demise.
So, he says, bend over and I did, and I mean, wow, it was grea…What? This isn’t the Proctologist Convention? Dammit! Well, same speech.
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Michael Douglas at the premiere of 'Behind the Candelabra' at the Admiralspalast in Berlin. (September 2, 2013) -Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN