1. “Why does everyone want me to sign balls? It’s not like they think I’m gay. HEY! Waitaminnit!”

  2. GwynethPaltrowsSenseofEntitlement

    Sure, I’ll sign it:

    Great to meet you.
    -Joe Fucking DiMaggio

  3. …nuthin’ but respect.

  4. Swearin

    “Baseball is so wierd! You take a wooden stick and swing at a ball, trying to knock it across a field; we don’t have anything like that in England.”

  5. “Why do you Americans have me sign baseballs I played James Bond, not Barry Bonds.”

  6. Bruce Vilanch is looking good after that weight loss!

  7. Facts

    “What is the internet, eh? I hear the kids love it!”

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