superficial

  1. ThisWillHurt

    “Has it been longer than 4 hours?”
    “It’s been all week! I’m scared!”

  2. I fucking hate that guy. Why him and not me? I’ve got muscl—Ok, no I don’t. I’ve got tatto–Ok, no I don’t. Ah! I’m black and have a boner too. Why not me?

    • I’ll be perfectly frank – you probably look better than this guy does. I don’t understand why girls find this shit attractive, it totally does nothing for me. He looks like a male Coco, about to burst fluid from any one of his his fucked up looking lumps.

      I like my guys to look like humans, not lumpy porridge.

      • Johnny Barbells

        …spoken like someone bitter who never gets hit on by handsome, muscular men. (and don; you gonna let her talk about our Coco that way???)

      • Actually, I’ve been hit on by scrawny nerdy guys, big muscular guys, chubby guys, and ‘regular’ guys. And creepy old men, but I don’t count those. And Cracked commenters, but I don’t count those either.

        I generally go for thin nerdy guys because I care more about intellect than looks, but if my choice in men was based solely on physical appearance, I can tell you that large and muscular would be dead last. The most muscle I can tolerate is Klitschko or Lundgren level, but even then you have to be well over six feet tall for it to work. And both of them get extra points for being smart and European, so even that isn’t 100% based on looks. I was less than happy when my ex started getting too big from weight training, because at 5’8, he wasn’t tall enough for it to balance properly. Neither is this guy.

        When your traps start making you look like a hunchback with no neck, you’re well into ‘gross’ territory, sorry.

      • And Coco’s a big girl, she doesn’t need Don to defend her. ;)

  3. coljack

    “A little help here, honey? I want to be at my best for The Superficial. And by ‘best’ I mean rock hard.”

  4. My chest is about the same size. As one of his shoulders.

  5. JohnnyP

    Kelly smartly checks her beach wear before dressing again, as David forgets the all-important maxim: “Always check for hermit crabs. Those bastards’ll make their home anywhere… even in yer ass!”

  6. crb

    Kelly sure can pick them d’bags, can’t she?

  7. Gin&Tonic

    I’d make some (ass)crack about his tramp stamp but for fear that he’d just beat the shit out of me.

  8. charlesatlas

    I think I could take him out….from behind…if I had a chair.

  9. Free_Speech

    Kelly: “I think you left your steroids in my black jumper”

  10. fred

    “Nah, baby. I need the big one for my cock.”

  11. “Honey, you better notify a doctor. Your ding-a-ling has been hard for almost 4 hours.”

    “Fuck notifying a doctor. I’m going to notify the media!”

  12. Johnny Barbells

    …now, if any of you Coco-hatin’ white boys wanna jump up & down and lose your minds over kelly’s booty, i won’t argue with you.

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