“Let me hear you say Mooooooo. Nope not working! Next!”

“It’s 0 and 2 to Humphries…and here’s the pitch….”

“I’m sorry but unless your naturally darker and fame-whorishy with a penchant for golden showers, it’s gotta be a no…”

“OK, now sing it one more time from the topless, oops, I mean from the top.”

Poor guy is really suffering since the breakup.

You know your ass has to be at least 5 times bigger than it is right now to even warrant my attention, right?

Damn it, Kim! I know it’s you. Now, stop sucking in your ass. You’re not fooling anyone.

And the quest for the perfect gunt continues…

“so you’re telling me you’ll show me your boobs if I can make the Kardashian family go away?”

Kris Humphries is about to buy an invisible towel for the low low price of ten thousand dollars.Guaranteed to stay dry and not irritate your skin like those visible towels.

If you are celebrating a pregnancy, stow it.

Are you sure? Because you sure don’t *look* pregnant.