You know she’s a keeper when she can give you purple nurpples with her feet…

Simon

“Carmen who? Oh right, no she’s just a whore I pay from time to time”

Interestingly enough, Ryan Seacrest makes the same face when a woman does that.

Look at me! I’m half of the covers from “Rolling Stone” magazine!

“Well, Pinch my nipples, that pussy looks good!”

Simon begins the preliminary foreplay by working over his own moobs. The man knows what he likes best.

“Darling, it’s not you, it’s me. I just….dont like having sex, er, after I had a heavy lunch. I used that one already? Ok, well, pussy scares me.”

“Yecchhhh… the things I do for fame!”

“Geez love I don’t know….looks like Helga missed a few spots.”

How many times have I told you, I’m not James Bond. Those jumper cables REALLY chafed my ta-tas.

“And then I smell ‘em like this!”

“The pussy is absolutely dreadful. You have got to be kidding me. I paid good money for this? I expect better than, whatever it is you got going on down there.”

By the look on his face, he just remembered why he dumped her the first time.

That’s it baby… Change my diaper!

Have you ever seen anything tighter than this ?

**pause***

“No! We Go In! We Kill! No more talk. We kill!
Soon my dog of war, or we will have to do it my way!

Ewwww. You want me do do what?

“So that’s where you hide the gold. And shovel? Damn!”

“WHAT!? No penis??”

Don’t look right at it, or it will spit in your eye like a cobra.

There’s really no alternate explanation for what’s going on here.

This Viagra patch is making my nipples burn.

“And love spreads its legs….
And the world spreads its legs
For another fuckin’ star!”
..just made me think of that song.

“is this oozing”?

“I want to shred those gay rumours swirling about me in Britain. This face should do the trick, right? YAY VAGINA! Right. Can we go swimming now?”

Come on Simon, Taste it, You’ll like it!!!

“If I’m being totally honest….. this is just a karaoke impression of a 12-year old. Completely unoriginal. Boring. Thank you.”

“Sonofa… which armpit did they implant that blasted Viagra pump in?”

“So…you say that’s called a vah-jye-nuh? what’s it for?”

Ahhh…are you sure thats just cottage cheese?

There are actually three people in this photo (I’m between both, I just don’t show up on film).

“Sweet bleeding Jesus, there’s no way I’m putting me mouth on that smelly, ugly thing…”

Hand bra

It was going to be a ‘yes,’ but then it did the whistling solo…. I’m afraid it’s a ‘no’ for me darling… it does look nice though, congrats on that.