1. “So you’re telling me that once we get reincarnated, we will be superior to all those that are alive and Xenu will make it so that we don’t get fat?
    Who do I make the check out to?”

  2. I thought all the servers had to wear the same uniform.

  3. nice clown shoes.

  4. “And that’s why I think that moving from ‘Def Comedy Jam’ to ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ is really a step up.”

  5. Inviting these two to a luncheon is like inviting Jerry Sandusky to a 10 year old boy’s first sleepover.

  6. “Now Cedric scientology will cure you of everything you ever wanted to cure, now you’ll have to give up comedy , money and your life, And your family. Sounds interesting to you ?”

  7. JimBB

    Look bitch, not all of us are into fat white women, alright?!

  8. “yeahh…I have a thyroid problem…”

    “Im big boned. Want to go to McDonalds?”

  9. You know, I hate to point it out when people gain-lose-gain again because it’s kinda mean. And if she wasn’t profiting off of her own line of weight loss products I wouldn’t point it out. But she is so I will.

  10. “The” being his middle name.

  11. Remembrances of Jelly Donuts I Have Had: a two-character play coming soon to a community theatre near you.

  12. cc

    ‘I used to be hot’
    ‘I used to be funny’
    ‘One of us is lying’

  13. JohnnyP

    Cedric: “…and that’s pretty much what my mamma used to make for our breakfast every day”.
    Kristie: “Mmmmm… tell me about the warm biscuits with bacon gravy again…”

  14. Kirstie: “You’re lucky! I wanted to call myself ‘Kirstie the thin, hot girl,’ but nobody would let me.”

  15. He was in the elevator with me in NYC last month, from my brief minute or so with him he seemed like an okay guy.

  16. Slappy Magoo

    Waiting for Godonuts.

  17. Aunt Cracker

    “You know, at these luncheons they usually call me Kirstie the Woofer.”

  18. Is she sniffing him before she eats him?

  19. kim and kanye in 20 years

  20. “Anyway, like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can
    barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it.
    Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp …”

  21. Here Piggy Piggy

    “Yeah baby, I used to eat a whole suckling pig at lunch too.

    Now I have a tempting Slimfast shake for breakfast… a nutrious salad for lunch… and I let the Scientologists brainwash me for dinner!

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