“Well, let me see if I can explain it to you, sweetheart: You’re an attention starved, B-list talent actress, who, despite a few roles in over-rated indie movies, has no discernible talent other than looks and amazing tits. Despite your fame and success, or maybe BECAUSE of it, you have little self-esteem. Hence, you date guys like me, a walking cliche of a douche-bag, complete with hipster-douchey tattoos, cuffed jeans and black shoes. We are a match made in Hollywood-Heaven, two people who in real life, would have no reason whatsoever to be SPEAKING to each other, let alone having intercourse. We will use each other like a hotel mattress, then move on to our next pointless relationship. As the French say, ‘C’est la vie.’ Does that answer your question of why we’re together?”

Wait…that isn’t her new tattoo artist boyfriend Fukt Uvtpf…?