Red Carpet

Selena Gomez’s Breasts Wore This

The Superficial / November 10, 2014

There’ve been enough awful posts over the past two weeks that everyone should know how this works: I write about something terrible like child abuse, and then follow it up with pictures of sexually attractive celebrities so everyone’s distracted with an erection and/or how simple and disgusting men are. It’s fucking crazy effective. On that… More »

Katharine McPhee Is Here To Help

The Superficial / November 5, 2014

After every Mama June Shannon post – and shit like this in West Virginia – I like to provide a palate cleanser so everyone doesn’t shoot themselves in the copy room in a fit of depression. (RIP, Robin.) So here’s Katharine McPhee’s ass which I had no idea was this fantastic and obviously increases her… More »

Jessica Chastain’s Probably Captain Marvel

Photo Boy / November 5, 2014

Posted by Photo Boy

It’s time for another round of ‘Make Me Look Like An Ignorant Asshole,’ a game Fish has been playing since our college days, but at least I now understand why he always offered to pay for the MD 20/20. “I heard the Peaches & Cream doesn’t give you a… More »

Jessica Biel Is Pregnant. For Real.

The Superficial / November 5, 2014

It seems like only six days ago I wrote a post about Jessica Biel being pregnant, and that’s because I did because butt photos: whatever gets them on the site. But this time, there’s an “official” announcement from Us Weekly, so now we can all sleep at night knowing that, yes, Justin Timberlake has i… More »

Lindsay Lohan’s Being Sued For $60 Million

The Superficial / October 31, 2014

So remember when Lindsay Lohan and her brother stole that dude’s app? He actually thinks he’s getting $60 million out of them. C’mon, she’s not sucking that many dicks. — Is she? Page Six reports:
Actress Lindsay Lohan’s younger brother, once the scandal-scarred clan’s white sheep, is facing a $60 million lawsuit by a former… More »

At Least Jenny McCarthy’s Breasts Aren’t Horribly Damaging Kids- Wait

The Superficial / October 30, 2014

Usually this is the part where I post T&A pics to rinse everybody’s brains from the child-destroying garbage that came before it. It’s a small service I provide for the community, but I don’t like to brag about it. Except I kind of fucked up and forgot to leave out the part where kids getMore »

Rihanna’s Breasts Fought AIDS, Too

The Superficial / October 30, 2014

Here’s Rihanna at yesterday’s amfAR Inspiration Gala where she spent the whole night saying things like, “Damn! Miley Cyrus and that mouse with an Australian accent just shot a guy with a plunger!” And, “Oh snap, that fly’s wearing a red shirt!” It really was an incredible evening. You should’ve been there.

Miley Cyrus Wore This To Fight AIDS

The Superficial / October 30, 2014

Because every post about misogynistic reactions to the academic discussion of sexist tropes should be followed by pics of Miley Cyrus’ cleavage, here she is at last night’s amfAR Inspiration Gala where she helped Dale and the other Rescue Rangers stop Fat Cat with a plane made out of a bleach bottle. People could hardly… More »

No Shit Gwyneth Paltrow Broke Up Chris Martin & Jennifer Lawrence

The Superficial / October 29, 2014

The very second Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin broke up, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it probably had to do with the woman he’s technically still married to who also has a giant ego that’s about to get her face baked into a quiche. So let’s get this other with. Via… More »

Kim Kardashian Compared Herself To ‘I Love Lucy’

The Superficial / October 29, 2014

Once you’ve written about one reality show and the empty, mammoth husks of humanity that star in them, you kind of want to write about them all. So here’s Kim Kardashian literally comparing Keeping Up With The Kardashians to I Love Lucy with a straight face. Although, it’s not like she could move it if… More »

Jennifer Lawrence & Chris Martin Stopped F*cking

The Superficial / October 27, 2014

Presumably because Gwyneth Paltrow keeps Chris Martin’s balls firmly ensconced in a hand-carved Sri Lankan testicle cuplet ($799.95, GOOP), his conscious coupling with Jennifer Lawrence’s vagina has transcended this plane of reality, according to E! News. Plus it’s not like he can’t see her naked anytime he wan- what? We’re all thinking it. And I’m… More »

Blake Lively’s Pregnant Body Won The Angel Ball

The Superficial / October 21, 2014

Normally, pregnancy is God’s way of cursing woman for using their filthy vagina holes for sex, but sometimes it can result a in beautiful transformation instead of the Beast of the Apocalypse. And such is the case with Blake Lively who took time away from running a website full of plagiarism and the hottest slaveowner… More »

I’m Told This Is Renee Zellweger

The Superficial / October 21, 2014

If someone asked me to describe Renee Zellweger for a police sketch artist, the first words out of my mouth would be, “Lemons. She ate all the lemons.” From there, I’d go into extensive detail about squinting, so let’s cut the shit, who’s this impostor? I’m looking at your entire eye, woman. Reveal yourself!
THEMore »

Blake Lively’s Website Loves Slaveowners, Plagiarism

The Superficial / October 17, 2014

While Martha Stewart has declared all-out war on Gwyneth Paltrow, pretentious, young upstart Blake Lively is successfully torpedoing herself by publishing articles about the Antebellum South that would give Paula Deen a butter boner and then threatening to sue Gawker for epically calling her on it. Which should’ve stopped there, but Lainey Gossip took notice… More »

And Now Back To Kesha Said, Dr. Luke Said

The Superficial / October 16, 2014

I’m going to start myself off in a hole here, and see how far I can climb myself out or dig myself even deeper as I do. Kesha’s stint in rehab for an “eating disorder” has always seemed sketchy as shit. Especially when her mom checked in with her for “PTSD” which now seems eve… More »

Selena Gomez Walks Around Her House Naked

The Superficial / October 16, 2014

After every awful post about child predators, or in this case the authors who defend them, I like to try and bring eveybody back to a happy place. So here’s Selena Gomez telling Ellen she likes to walk naked around her new, Justin Bieber-free house. As for what you’re supposed to do with that information,… More »

And Now Back To BEWBS (Specifically Courtney Stodden And Mozart Ones)

The Superficial / October 15, 2014

For the sake of this post, let’s pretend I have two types of readers because broad generalizations are fun and easy. There are the thinkers and the boob lookers, and like any good parent, I love both of you equally. (To your face. Privately? I’ve plotted one of your deaths. Again, like a good parent.)… More »

There’s The Snappening Now

The Superficial / October 13, 2014

After The Fappening realized it was leaking pictures of Nick Hogan and shot itself in the face (It’s a working theory.), the time was right for The Snappening, a new hack of SnapChat resulting in over 90,000 photos leaked online yesterday. Except one small problem, besides being illegal as fuck, SnapChat is widely used by… More »

Kat Dennings’ Breasts Are Dating Josh Groban

The Superficial / October 13, 2014

Josh Groban’s voice has the gift to unlock powerful emotions that you never thought you were capable of experiencing. Kat Dennings’ breasts do exactly the same thing only on a much deeper spiritual level that’s capable of bathing all of humanity in a warm golden light while ushering in a new age of peace and… More »

Taylor Swift’s Trying To Bang Selena Gomez!

The Superficial / October 8, 2014

Okay, that headline might seem like sensationalistic click-bait, but I honestly don’t know how else you read this Selena Gomez quote without getting the impression that Taylor Swift wants to passionately tongue her vagina in a Brooklyn brownstone while Karlie Kloss watches from a window, her jealously steaming in the nighttime rain. E! News reports:… More »

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