Red Carpet

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Gone Full Jew

By: The Superficial / September 5, 2014
After once referring to herself as a "Jewish princess" due to her family belonging to a Eastern European rabbinical dynasty, Gwyneth Paltrow has apparently stopped dicking around with Kabbalah and fully converted to Judaism. And before someone makes a joke about how she just wants to keep working in Hollywood, I'll… More »

Daisy Lowe Won The GQ Men of The Year Awards

By: The Superficial / September 3, 2014
You might hear some talk about some other woman winning at The GQ Men of The Year Awards in London last night, but that information is bullshit because Daisy Lowe's breasts destroyed anything and everything in their path. One of them even controls Parliament now. Or will once they're aware of… More »

Kate Upton Has Leaked Nude Photos, Too

By: The Superficial / August 31, 2014
So remember that scene in Ghostbusters when Peck shuts down the containment unit and floods the entire city with ghosts? Well, today's been like that except with every single celebrity naked instead of the undead. I'm doing my best to stay away from them (WHICH I HAVE ALL DAY YOU CAN'T… More »

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

By: The Superficial / August 28, 2014
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they've spent as parents to six children. But what they don't have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningle… More »

No, Wait, Megan Fox, South Korea’s On Our Side!

By: The Superficial / August 27, 2014
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is an epic shitbomb of pure fuck-dumb, so here's Megan Fox dropping it on South Korea yesterday because who needs allies? Amirite? That whole North Korea thing will probably sort itself out. Plus we're still holding all the Dennis Rodmans. I dare anyone to defy… More »

Miley Cyrus’ Date To The VMAs Isn’t Exactly Homeless

By: The Superficial / August 26, 2014
Most people consider homeless to mean poor, destitute, no place to turn to. So when Miley Cyrus brought a "homeless" date to the VMAs, it was just assumed that she picked this poor guy up off the streets where poverty had left him. Turns out he's a struggling model… More »

The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

By: The Superficial / August 26, 2014
Here's the rest of The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards where my comprehensive reporting will tell you Breaking Bad won fucking everything except for that one award for True Detective and Benedict Cumberbatch winning for Sherlock which slightly makes up for Rust Cohle losing to… More »

Christina Hendricks Brought Her Monster Breasts #Emmys

By: The Superficial / August 26, 2014
As small children, most of us dreamed about Ronald McDonald having really huge tits. I'm talking so huge you don't even know how he's carrying them around, and maybe Grimace should talk to him about steroids. So now that I've explained how Christina Hendricks is so popular, here's her… More »

Hayden Panettiere Brought Her Monster Fetus #Emmys

By: The Superficial / August 26, 2014
Here's a pregnant as fuck Hayden Panettiere at the Emmys last night where it was a goddamn miracle her unborn daughter didn't burst out of her chest and terrorize Sigourney Weaver. Which isn't so much a joke about the giant's fetus inside of her (a… More »

The Rest of The Goddamn #VMAs

By: The Superficial / August 25, 2014
Because our server is like the TARDIS if the TARDIS had Down syndrome, we're falling apart at the seams over here, so here's the rest of The 2014 VMAs before the whole thing explodes. And if you're wondering why I'm not posting about Beyonce's feminist tour de force or… More »

The Kardashians Checked Their Phones During The Ferguson Moment of Silence #VMAs

By: The Superficial / August 25, 2014
During last night's VMAs, Common held a moment of silence for Ferguson which the Kardashians felt was the appropriate time to check their phones (above) because someone might have tweeted about Kim's dress, you guys. Yes, they understand that black teens are being… More »

Child Hookers? Why Not? #VMAs

By: The Superficial / August 25, 2014
The media would have you believe this is singer/actress Ariana Grande, but really it's a sophisticated Pre-Crime tool used to weed out future pedophiles before they strike by prompting an easily collected database of Internet commenters who want to have sex with its butt. I'm just doing my part to protect the childre… More »

Katy Perry’s Breasts Were There #VMAs

By: The Superficial / August 25, 2014
Outside of her recent trip to a Kansas water park (Warning: Contains breasts GIFs. And you're gone.), Katy Perry's breasts have been elusive creatures because she's an artiste now. Except here they are at last night's VMAs where she brought Riff Raff as her date even though… More »

Let’s Start With Taylor Swift’s Ass Cheeks #VMAs

By: The Superficial / August 25, 2014
Somewhere between making Diet Coke commercials and getting a dog with Karlie Kloss, Taylor Swift realized she has the body of a Victoria's Secret model complete with 9,000 mile long legs. So here she is at last night's VMAs showing off more ass and vulv… More »

And Now Time For Tara Reid Or Kate Gosselin Melting Under A Heat Lamp?

By: The Superficial / August 22, 2014
Now I know what you're thinking, there aren't 25 Asian kids running around, so clearly it's Tara Reid. Except you're forgetting one important piece of information: Kate Gosselin hates her children and will do everything in her power to never be around them. Why do you think her house is 80%… More »

Demi Moore Gave Rumer Willis A Gun Cake

By: The Superficial / August 18, 2014
Apparently, everyone's supposed to lose their shit over Demi Moore giving Rumer Willis a gun cake for her 26th birthday even though it's supposedly a callback to her photo shoot with Tyler Shields. I'm a wiener-bitch liberal when it comes to guns, and even I don't see… More »

Jennifer Lawrence Is Banging Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Chris Martin

By: The Superficial / August 15, 2014
"Who's gettin' GOOPed now, bitch? WHA?" Gwyneth Paltrow is a wound tight, meticulous of curator macrobiotic living filtered through a sexy, breezy pashmina that only costs $25,000, so any single, working mom can afford it. Jennifer Lawrence... well, Jennifer Lawrence doesn't give a fuck. She'll fart, burp, make a demon face… More »

Carmen Electra’s Breasts Are A Happy Post

By: The Superficial / August 12, 2014
The last few posts have been about suicide, child molestation and sexual assault, but since the night is always darkest just before the dawn, here are Carmen Electra's breasts at The Expendables 3 premiere because I'll never forsake you. Unless it'd be really funny the… More »

The 2014 Teen Choice Awards

By: The Superficial / August 11, 2014
Someone just spotted Kim Kardashian. I've grown old enough where I've forgotten what it's like to be a teenager and now hate them for their youthful vigor and freedom to make stupid choices with abandon. Case in point: I once drove an hour to the nearest Best Buy to buy Limp Bizkit's Significant… More »

Guys, I’m Pretty Sure Megan Fox Wants To Bang Shia LaBeouf Again

By: The Superficial / August 8, 2014
Earlier in the week, Megan Fox made it a point to let the world know she's not having sex with Brian Austin Green. On top of that, she made a passive aggressive jab that he wants more kids because "he doesn't have to do any of the… More »

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