Red Carpet

Jennifer Lawrence & Chris Martin Stopped F*cking

By: The Superficial / October 27, 2014

Presumably because Gwyneth Paltrow keeps Chris Martin‘s balls firmly ensconced in a hand-carved Sri Lankan testicle cuplet ($799.95, GOOP), his conscious coupling with Jennifer Lawrence‘s vagina has transcended this plane of reality, according to E! News. Plus it’s not like he can’t see her naked anytime he wan- what? We’re all thinking it. And I’m… More »


Blake Lively’s Pregnant Body Won The Angel Ball

By: The Superficial / October 21, 2014

Normally, pregnancy is God’s way of cursing woman for using their filthy vagina holes for sex, but sometimes it can result a in beautiful transformation instead of the Beast of the Apocalypse. And such is the case with Blake Lively who took time away from running a website full of plagiarism and the hottest slaveowner… More »


I’m Told This Is Renee Zellweger

By: The Superficial / October 21, 2014

If someone asked me to describe Renee Zellweger for a police sketch artist, the first words out of my mouth would be, “Lemons. She ate all the lemons.” From there, I’d go into extensive detail about squinting, so let’s cut the shit, who’s this impostor? I’m looking at your entire eye, woman. Reveal yourself! More »


Blake Lively’s Website Loves Slaveowners, Plagiarism

By: The Superficial / October 17, 2014

While Martha Stewart has declared all-out war on Gwyneth Paltrow, pretentious, young upstart Blake Lively is successfully torpedoing herself by publishing articles about the Antebellum South that would give Paula Deen a butter boner and then threatening to sue Gawker for epically calling her on it. Which should’ve stopped there, but Lainey Gossip took notice… More »


And Now Back To Kesha Said, Dr. Luke Said

By: The Superficial / October 16, 2014

I’m going to start myself off in a hole here, and see how far I can climb myself out or dig myself even deeper as I do. Kesha‘s stint in rehab for an “eating disorder” has always seemed sketchy as shit. Especially when her mom checked in with her for “PTSD” which now seems eve… More »


Selena Gomez Walks Around Her House Naked

By: The Superficial / October 16, 2014

After every awful post about child predators, or in this case the authors who defend them, I like to try and bring eveybody back to a happy place. So here’s Selena Gomez telling Ellen she likes to walk naked around her new, Justin Bieber-free house. As for what you’re supposed to do with that information,… More »


And Now Back To BEWBS (Specifically Courtney Stodden And Mozart Ones)

By: The Superficial / October 15, 2014

For the sake of this post, let’s pretend I have two types of readers because broad generalizations are fun and easy. There are the thinkers and the boob lookers, and like any good parent, I love both of you equally. (To your face. Privately? I’ve plotted one of your deaths. Again, like a good parent.)… More »


There’s The Snappening Now

By: The Superficial / October 13, 2014

After The Fappening realized it was leaking pictures of Nick Hogan and shot itself in the face (It’s a working theory.), the time was right for The Snappening, a new hack of SnapChat resulting in over 90,000 photos leaked online yesterday. Except one small problem, besides being illegal as fuck, SnapChat is widely used by… More »


Kat Dennings’ Breasts Are Dating Josh Groban

By: The Superficial / October 13, 2014

Josh Groban‘s voice has the gift to unlock powerful emotions that you never thought you were capable of experiencing. Kat Dennings’ breasts do exactly the same thing only on a much deeper spiritual level that’s capable of bathing all of humanity in a warm golden light while ushering in a new age of peace and… More »


Taylor Swift’s Trying To Bang Selena Gomez!

By: The Superficial / October 8, 2014

Okay, that headline might seem like sensationalistic click-bait, but I honestly don’t know how else you read this Selena Gomez quote without getting the impression that Taylor Swift wants to passionately tongue her vagina in a Brooklyn brownstone while Karlie Kloss watches from a window, her jealously steaming in the nighttime rain. E! News reports:… More »


Gwyneth Paltrow: ‘Martha Stewart Sees Me As Competition’

By: The Superficial / October 8, 2014

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wait, she’s actually serious, isn’t she? Us Weekly reports:

“No one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated,” Paltrow said sarcastically. “I’ll try to recover,” she added.
“If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. More »


Jessica Lange Snubbing Lea Michele Wants To Help

By: The Superficial / October 7, 2014

It’s been a depressing day full of unmentionable evil (Those links are right.), so here’s Jessica Lange snubbing Lea Michele at the American Horror Story: Freak Show premiere because sometimes this world can open itself up to you and not be a complete shitpot. Although very rarely, and it’s still best to assume there’s a… More »


Jennifer Garner Has To Be Loving Life

By: The Superficial / October 7, 2014

Ben Affleck is the star of the critically-acclaimed, #1 movie at the box office that let him work closely with Emily Ratajkowski‘s naked breasts. He’s also Batman. Jennifer Garner, on the other hand, is the star of Alexander and The Fuck You I’m Not Typing All That, a Disney movie she premiered last night while… More »


Robert Downey Jr. Will Make ‘Iron Man 4′ If Mel Gibson Directs

By: The Superficial / October 6, 2014

“That’s some sturdy looking Jew metal.”
“Hahahaha, what?”

Marvel needs Robert Downey Jr. way more than Robert Downey Jr. needs Marvel, and once his contract was up with Iron Man 3, they paid out the dick to keep him for Avengers 2 and 3. And rightly so. Except now he’s testing them… More »


Blake Lively Is Pregnant

By: The Superficial / October 6, 2014

First Hilary Duff had a kid then Mila Kunis, and now Blake Lively‘s pregnant, but let’s all freak about Ebola instead of the real disease spreading right before our eyes. Anyway, this is why Kelly Brook‘s the perfect woman. Not only does she have huge, giant breasts, but she’s prone to mis- *gets tackled byMore »


Lindsay & The Amazing Technicolor Dream Nipple

By: The Superficial / October 3, 2014

Here’s Lindsay Lohan at the after-party for the opening night of “Speed-the-Plow” where she managed to only forget one line and was deemed “competent without being exciting.” Which is pretty fucking amazing for Lindsay Lohan considering not a single review contained the words, “And then she tried to blow everyone.” However, she did wear a… More »


Kate Winslet Never ‘Snogged’ Leonardo DiCaprio

By: The Superficial / October 3, 2014

Kate Winslet was younger than 23 when she filmed Titanic, so based on everything we know about this world, Leonardo DiCaprio was required to have sex with her by law. But so far this week we’ve seen George Clooney get married and Mila Kunis birth Ashton Kutcher‘s baby, so somebody’s traveling through time and fucking… More »


Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher Are Already Being Assholes About Their Kid

By: The Superficial / October 3, 2014

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher‘s baby has barely been alive for three days and already they’re not so subtly bitching about the paparazzi while revealing their daughter’s name. People reports:

“Mila and I would like to welcome Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher to the world. May your life be filled with wonder, love, laughter, health,… More »


Justin Bieber Ditched Selena Gomez For The Kardashians

By: The Superficial / October 1, 2014

So here’s how Selena Gomez‘s trip to Paris Fashion Week went:

1. Before, or as soon as, she got there, Justin Bieber checked into a hotel with Kendall Jenner.
2. When she showed up to the same show as him later, he spent the entire time with the Kardashians.
And 3. More »


Ben Affleck’s Penis Is In A Movie

By: The Superficial / October 1, 2014

Ben Affleck can’t do a single interview without being asked about Batman, but somehow he managed to crack the Internet’s secret code and started talking about his dick which is like dangling a set of keys in front of us. I don’t even know where I am anymore that’s how distracted how I am. Whose… More »


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