Red Carpet

The Other Models Are Mean To Kendall™, You Guys

The Superficial / September 18, 2014

Kendall Jenner genuinely believes her modeling career is solely the result of “hard work,” and being like super pretty, but even models whose diets consist of a sprig of kale and heroin know it’s because someone who fell out of the same vagina as her got peed on in a sex tape. In Touch WeeklyMore »


Rihanna To CBS: ‘F*ck You For Pulling My Song’

The Superficial / September 16, 2014

In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let’s make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they want to play her song thi… More »


Kanye Is A ‘Married, Christian Man,’ You Assholes

The Superficial / September 16, 2014

Kanye West has found himself in some shit after not once, but twice, demanding everyone at his shows stand up during his performance of “Good Life.” Which seems innocuous until you realize there were handicapped people in the audience who had to literally verify their disability before Kanye would go on. At one point, he… More »


Rihanna Song Pulled From Thursday Night Football

The Superficial / September 12, 2014

“HAHAHAHA! I’mma haunt you forever.”
Thanks to Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna for looking at his phone, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from last night’s Thursday Night Football so people won’t have to think about the NFL only giving Ray Rice a two-game suspension for punching out his fiance and… More »


Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay Secret

The Superficial / September 10, 2014

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay A Secret
A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers

A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn’t remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, butMore »


Taylor Swift Is Writing Songs About Katy Perry Now

The Superficial / September 9, 2014

Taylor Swift’s schtick used to be writing songs about jerk boys who didn’t make every single date like The Notebook. But she’s evolved as an artist (and a woman… nope, that wasn’t creepy) and has moved on to writing songs about other pop stars who steal her roadies or some stupid bullshit. I honestly don’t… More »


Lindsay Lohan’s Stealing Apps Now

The Superficial / September 8, 2014

Lindsay Lohan will steal anything that isn’t nailed down, and even then, there’s still a 50/50 chance she’ll melt through the nail with her freckle acid. But I’m not here to talk science, I’m here to talk about Lindsay stealing some dude’s idea for an app and getting sued into next week for it. Page… More »


Gwyneth Paltrow’s Gone Full Jew

The Superficial / September 5, 2014

After once referring to herself as a “Jewish princess” due to her family belonging to a Eastern European rabbinical dynasty, Gwyneth Paltrow has apparently stopped dicking around with Kabbalah and fully converted to Judaism. And before someone makes a joke about how she just wants to keep working in Hollywood, I’ll have you know Gwyneth… More »


Daisy Lowe Won The GQ Men of The Year Awards

The Superficial / September 3, 2014

You might hear some talk about some other woman winning at The GQ Men of The Year Awards in London last night, but that information is bullshit because Daisy Lowe’s breasts destroyed anything and everything in their path. One of them even controls Parliament now. Or will once they’re aware of my Doomsday Device. Photo… More »


Kate Upton Has Leaked Nude Photos, Too

The Superficial / August 31, 2014

So remember that scene in Ghostbusters when Peck shuts down the containment unit and floods the entire city with ghosts? Well, today’s been like that except with every single celebrity naked instead of the undead. I’m doing my best to stay away from them (WHICH I HAVE ALL DAY YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING) because I’d… More »


Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

The Superficial / August 28, 2014

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it eve… More »


No, Wait, Megan Fox, South Korea’s On Our Side!

The Superficial / August 27, 2014

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is an epic shitbomb of pure fuck-dumb, so here’s Megan Fox dropping it on South Korea yesterday because who needs allies? Amirite? That whole North Korea thing will probably sort itself out. Plus we’re still holding all the Dennis Rodmans. I dare anyone to defy us.
Photos: GettyMore »


Miley Cyrus’ Date To The VMAs Isn’t Exactly Homeless

The Superficial / August 26, 2014

Most people consider homeless to mean poor, destitute, no place to turn to. So when Miley Cyrus brought a “homeless” date to the VMAs, it was just assumed that she picked this poor guy up off the streets where poverty had left him. Turns out he’s a struggling model whose mom says he can come… More »


The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

The Superficial / August 26, 2014

Here’s the rest of The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards where my comprehensive reporting will tell you Breaking Bad won fucking everything except for that one award for True Detective and Benedict Cumberbatch winning for Sherlock which slightly makes up for Rust Cohle losing to Walter White. More importantly, Laura Prepon demonstrated the misogynistic side… More »


Christina Hendricks Brought Her Monster Breasts #Emmys

The Superficial / August 26, 2014

As small children, most of us dreamed about Ronald McDonald having really huge tits. I’m talking so huge you don’t even know how he’s carrying them around, and maybe Grimace should talk to him about steroids. So now that I’ve explained how Christina Hendricks is so popular, here’s her breasts at the Emmys last night… More »


Hayden Panettiere Brought Her Monster Fetus #Emmys

The Superficial / August 26, 2014

Here’s a pregnant as fuck Hayden Panettiere at the Emmys last night where it was a goddamn miracle her unborn daughter didn’t burst out of her chest and terrorize Sigourney Weaver. Which isn’t so much a joke about the giant’s fetus inside of her (a justifiable curse for stealing his magic beans) as much it&#8217… More »


The Rest of The Goddamn #VMAs

The Superficial / August 25, 2014

Because our server is like the TARDIS if the TARDIS had Down syndrome, we’re falling apart at the seams over here, so here’s the rest of The 2014 VMAs before the whole thing explodes. And if you’re wondering why I’m not posting about Beyonce’s feminist tour de force or Miley Cyrus using all of her… More »


The Kardashians Checked Their Phones During The Ferguson Moment of Silence #VMAs

The Superficial / August 25, 2014

During last night’s VMAs, Common held a moment of silence for Ferguson which the Kardashians felt was the appropriate time to check their phones (above) because someone might have tweeted about Kim’s dress, you guys. Yes, they understand that black teens are being disproportionately shot and killed by police for minor offenses thus depriving them… More »


Child Hookers? Why Not? #VMAs

The Superficial / August 25, 2014

The media would have you believe this is singer/actress Ariana Grande, but really it’s a sophisticated Pre-Crime tool used to weed out future pedophiles before they strike by prompting an easily collected database of Internet commenters who want to have sex with its butt. I’m just doing my part to protect the children even though… More »


Katy Perry’s Breasts Were There #VMAs

The Superficial / August 25, 2014

Outside of her recent trip to a Kansas water park (Warning: Contains breasts GIFs. And you’re gone.), Katy Perry’s breasts have been elusive creatures because she’s an artiste now. Except here they are at last night’s VMAs where she brought Riff Raff as her date even though I could’ve sworn she was banging Duplo? Diplo? More »


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