If you’re a famewhore celebrity who wants to shamelessly milk the most possible attention out of your big announcement, you wait until Friday 6 PM PST to drop the bomb and watch it devour the entire weekend. Which is, of course, exactly what Jennifer Lopez did to announce her “amicable” split from Marc Anthony right before her people got to work making sure El Senor Anorexicito de Skeletoruego, who’s exactly 1/4th the size of one of her thighs, is portrayed as some sort of control freak because Jennifer Lopez seems like the type of women who takes shit from anyone not named Jennifer Lopez. The Daily Mail reports:
‘This is not a surprise,’ J-Lo’s stylist Phillip Bloch said in an exclusive interview last night.
‘Marc is very controlling. In the beginning she liked that because he stood up to her, and in the early days he was very much in love with her and she was with him.’
But the couple are said to have begun to squabble soon after 41-year-old J-Lo’s mother moved into their Long Island, New York mansion in 2008 to help look after their newborn twins.
‘They also clashed when she learned he owed millions in unpaid taxes on the Long Island estate,’ said film-maker Ed Meyer, an associate of J-Lo’s first husband, Cuban-born club-owner Ojani Noa.
‘The other problem was that they couldn’t agree where to live.
‘J-Lo’s career is in Hollywood and she wanted to live in their Malibu mansion and Marc loved New York. She was going to move to New York in a last-ditch effort to save the marriage. But last Monday I heard it was all over.’
As we speak, the media is already writing breathless post-mortems combing Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez’s marriage with a fine-tooth comb for hints of a divorce – which should be pretty simple considering they spent most of 2008 pretending they weren’t getting one – yet everyone seems to miss the two most obvious reasons:
Marc Anthony looks like Marc Anthony, and Jennifer Lopez is a horrible fucking person.
On top of that, Marc was JLo’s rebound from Ben Affleck, and if you take anything away from this site, never marry your rebound. They’re like donut tires: You ride it to Sears then get wallet-raped because you’re in the middle of goddamn nowhere. Wow, that got deep.
Anyway, now that Jennifer Lopez has had seven long years of not being in the most publicized relationship on the planet, it’s only a matter of time until she latches onto the biggest male celebrity of the hour who, as luck would have it, happens to really be into knocking up Latina chicks. I can almost see them on the red carpet now…
JLO: And just think, nobody thought this would last. *leans in for kiss*
JUSTIN: I need an adult!