Phil Robertson’s ‘Duck Dynasty’ Suspension Is Lifted, Praise Capitalist Jesus!

To the surprise of absolutely no one who understands how money works, Phil Robertson’s suspension from Duck Dynasty has been lifted after a grueling eight days where he was forced to endure such hardships as still making millions of dollars and taking time off over Christmas. It’s nothing short of a miracle that he survived. PEOPLE reports:

Revealing that they had spoken to the family, A&E said that while they do not share Robertson’s views, “Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family … a family that America has come to love.”
“While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the ‘coarse language’ he used and the misinterpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article,” the statement continued. “He also made it clear he would ‘never incite or encourage hate.'”
The network also says it will air PSAs “promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people.”

And now my translation:

As supposedly decent human beings, we at A&E understand that blaming homosexuals for the moral decline of an entire country and saying African-Americans were fine and dandy getting lynched just for looking at white women in the Jim Crow south until the government came along and gave them welfare are demonstrably ignorant statements that reflect a backwards, antiquated attitude that’s systematically denied the Constitutional rights of Americans for decades. However, we still want gallons of dumb redneck money which you will give us by the truckload when the new season starts in two weeks. Bring the kids!”

Naturally, Christians are claiming this as a moral victory and depressingly a constitutional one despite Phil Robertson never being arrested, fined or censored by the government not to mention there isn’t an amendment guaranteeing the right to a TV show. When in reality Christians just got sold the fuck out. As a “man of biblical principle,” Phil Robertson has chosen to take millions of A&E’s money while it runs pro-gay PSAs during Duck Dynasty. Or to put a finer point on that, pro-sin PSAs. So instead of taking his show to The Hunt Channel with its albeit smaller, yet devout, audience of Christian hunters who won’t make a sin-promoting network richer and therefore capable of propagating even more sin, Phil took the money and basically endorsed the “PC bullshit” so many of his followers were bitching about because if there’s one thing Jesus hated it’s kindness to your fellow man. Which is why American Christianity is such a goddamn joke because, in stark contrast to its core beliefs, it’s nothing more than another greedy, lockstep arm of right wing politics. That’s why you’re seeing so many “Christians” hilariously going apeshit over the new Pope because he dares to have the audacity to preach about capitalism’s devastating effects on the poor and not on divisive social issues that only fuel hate. But, fuck all of that, because I distinctly remember Jesus saying get paid and hate faggots. It says so right here in The Bible that I haven’t got around to reading yet. That shit’s for liberals.

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