Phil Robertson’s ‘Duck Dynasty’ Suspension Is Lifted, Praise Capitalist Jesus!

December 30th, 2013 // 57 Comments
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To the surprise of absolutely no one who understands how money works, Phil Robertson‘s suspension from Duck Dynasty has been lifted after a grueling eight days where he was forced to endure such hardships as still making millions of dollars and taking time off over Christmas. It’s nothing short of a miracle that he survived. PEOPLE reports:

Revealing that they had spoken to the family, A&E said that while they do not share Robertson’s views, “Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family … a family that America has come to love.”
“While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, and his own personal journey, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the ‘coarse language’ he used and the misinterpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article,” the statement continued. “He also made it clear he would ‘never incite or encourage hate.’”
The network also says it will air PSAs “promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all people.”

And now my translation:

As supposedly decent human beings, we at A&E understand that blaming homosexuals for the moral decline of an entire country and saying African-Americans were fine and dandy getting lynched just for looking at white women in the Jim Crow south until the government came along and gave them welfare are demonstrably ignorant statements that reflect a backwards, antiquated attitude that’s systematically denied the Constitutional rights of Americans for decades. However, we still want gallons of dumb redneck money which you will give us by the truckload when the new season starts in two weeks. Bring the kids!”

Naturally, Christians are claiming this as a moral victory and depressingly a constitutional one despite Phil Robertson never being arrested, fined or censored by the government not to mention there isn’t an amendment guaranteeing the right to a TV show. When in reality Christians just got sold the fuck out. As a “man of biblical principle,” Phil Robertson has chosen to take millions of A&E’s money while it runs pro-gay PSAs during Duck Dynasty. Or to put a finer point on that, pro-sin PSAs. So instead of taking his show to The Hunt Channel with its albeit smaller, yet devout, audience of Christian hunters who won’t make a sin-promoting network richer and therefore capable of propagating even more sin, Phil took the money and basically endorsed the “PC bullshit” so many of his followers were bitching about because if there’s one thing Jesus hated it’s kindness to your fellow man. Which is why American Christianity is such a goddamn joke because, in stark contrast to its core beliefs, it’s nothing more than another greedy, lockstep arm of right wing politics. That’s why you’re seeing so many “Christians” hilariously going apeshit over the new Pope because he dares to have the audacity to preach about capitalism’s devastating effects on the poor and not on divisive social issues that only fuel hate. But, fuck all of that, because I distinctly remember Jesus saying get paid and hate faggots. It says so right here in The Bible that I haven’t got around to reading yet. That shit’s for liberals.

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  1. Fish, I adore you. Well said.

    • mt

      Bravo Fish!

      Funny how A&E never mentions that each dude on that show
      goes through a tin of tobacco a day.. Nothing screams Hillbilly
      Christian like “Just a pinch between your teeth and gums…”.

  2. Not so much a “win” for the Christian Right, for me, so much as it is a “loss” for the Activist Left. Amidst the cries of, “If he’s going to talk shit, then he needs to be able to deal with flack of everyone who’s going to call him out for saying stupid shit!”, the adverse of the situation is also true, and the opinions of those who did not take offense to his words actually superseded those who did..

  3. Fish, you predicted this thing perfectly. It was all just a publicity stunt. Are the people supporting him so desperate that they think this is a victory? That’s some sad shit.

    Has Convex shown up yet? That should be worth a chuckle or two.

    • JC

      “Blah blah blah libtard, blah blah blah criticizing my hate means you’re intolerant, blah blah blah multiple failures in logic and empathy.”

      I know it’s not the same, but I tried to summarize the coming Convex post as best I could.

    • Convex

      Yes, you vapid little troll, I’ve shown up. If only you had anything relevant or intelligent to say. You never do; you just lick Fish’s nuts.

      • Name-calling already? That was fast. I just enjoy calling you out on the fact that you never show up on this website unless Fish shits on some religious asshole. Your web traffic is appreciated.

        It’s easy to push your buttons. I’m not here to add anything intelligent to any conversation. I’ve made no such promise. I come her to talk shit and laugh at people who do and say stupid shit.

        You come here to crusade. You come here to be the champion of the poor, oppressed most powerful people in America. Like I said, you’re always good for a chuckle.

      • Aw, poor Concave just can’t catch a break. :(

  4. JC

    Just go to that linked People article and read some of the comments if you want to lose all faith in humanity. If the commenters on that article are representative of People’s current readership, then I must have missed the announcement that People is now the in-house magazine of the Klan.

  5. There is room enough in the world for swamp hillbillies and gay people. But neither gets to tell the other what they can or cannot say, outside of direct threats. If the Duck people don’t want to see the gays, don’t look. If you are somehow surprised that the man in that picture has issues with gays, don’t watch the show. Free speech is not limited by anyone’s personal opinions, it is only limited by provable damage or the real possibility thereof.

  6. Convex

    I am delighted that you have your panties twisted over this, Fish. You are a typical liberal bully, who defines tolerance and and acceptance and diversity as being allowed only to those who agree with you; you abuse and berate those who do not.

    In this situation, A&E was dead fucking wrong to have “suspended” Robertson. You know what makes me even more tickled about your ruffles being shredded? Conservatives hit back, and you’re going ape shit over it, because like white people who understand that we don’t owe blacks a single fucking thing, YOU NEVER EXPECTED THAT WE’D TELL YOU TO STICK IT. You are appalled that the silent majority wasn’t so silent this time (to your detriment).

    Now: I have zero religious convictions; I think organized religion is a bunch of horse shit. But Robertson has the right to his beliefs, and he has the right to express them (especially when asked direct questions). That you disagree and love the gays is more than clear. But it is HILARIOUS at how upset you are that someone (Robertson) had the balls to be honest and then stand by his words.

    You liberals would be the best comedy in the universe if you weren’t all so hypocritical and idiotic.

    Fish, you are great when it comes to writing about gossip. But when you get your soapbox out, you reveal your own bigotry, intolerance, and hate. Yes, you have your ass lickers, who applaud everything you say, but then there are those like me who see you for exactly who and what you are. You’re not smart enough to offer valid social commentary; you’re incapable of understanding that your view is not the only one (you liberal twats are big on demanding tolerance and acceptance, but suck at extending it).

    Your solution is to block people like me from commenting and calling you out, because you can’t stand for anyone to publicly disagree with you (you also can’t seem to deal with being shown that you libs can and will be told to cram it when the rest of us have had enough).

    Roll on 2014; may it be a year full of conservatives and moderates pushing you liberal shits back into your respective closets.

    And no, I don’t give a single rat’s ass what you or anyone else thinks of what I’ve said. I’m going to sit here, being smug like you, Fish, and dismiss anything you leftist freaks have to say as being unimportant and inappropriate. In doing that, I’ll be doing my imitation of YOU.

    • Dox

      I wonder if you see the absolute irony in starting with this statement here:

      You are a typical liberal bully, who defines tolerance and and acceptance and diversity as being allowed only to those who agree with you; you abuse and berate those who do not.

      And then proceeding to do exactly what you just accused him of.

    • JJ Michaels

      Comedy > Politics
      Superficial + Comedy = Sarcasm
      Asshole + Dickhead = Convex

      Math is hard, but meth rots your teeth.

    • According to 1 Timothy 2:12, we don’t have to listen to anything you say Convex. Perhaps you could get a man to explain your point for you.

    • Dawww…I’m starting to get attached to you. I want to put you in a cute little sweater and carry you around in a handbag. You’re like a right-wing blowhard version of Randall, instead of finding something to praise in every post you find something to pontificate about. Once you remember just how little anything said here matters, it’s endearing in a brain-damaged sort of way.

    • Seriously just how sad and pathetic is your life we felt the need to type up all that pent up ignorance.
      Best part is in 30 years you and your ilk will be the minorities in this country…
      And FYI you are not half as smart as you think you are.

    • what a hate filled little twatwaffle you are Convex. To paraphrase the great Ricky Gervais: “fuck off & go be a cunt somewhere else”.

    • cmonreally

      And lo, God said unto Convex, “TL;DR.”

    • Mitch

      Well put.

      Most liberals (not all) I know are the most intolerant, hateful people I have ever come across. They love to get in your face with blatant homosexuality (Folsom Street Fair) but lose their shit if someone like Phil Robertson doesn’t bend over and take it like a little bitch.

      • cmonreally

        Actually, I would say that conservatives promote hate and intolerance, whereas most liberals’ argument back to a conservative spouting off against homosexuality is, “Well… why do you care?”
        The conservative will announce with bravado, “God says it is a sin, and we are here to save people’s souls from eternal damnation.”
        To which a liberal will reply, “No, your purpose in life is to spread the word, not to judge the other person (says so in the Bible, babe). Also, it is your purpose to live the teachings of tolerance, love, and kindness. So kindly keep your archaic learnins’ away from me, because it makes me uncomfortable hearing you talk about how another human being is a vile abomination because of what one likes to find between one’s partner’s legs.”

        Yes, it looks like liberals are the mosters here. No doubt about it. Asking someone to kindly shut the hell up or go somewhere else with their bigotry isn’t making them “take it up the ass.” It’s telling them to be tactful and learn how to be appropriate in a public setting.

        Also, if you don’t want to go to a fair where there are gay people, just don’t go? Seems fairly simple.

      • cmonreally

        “Mosters,” “monsters,” same thing.

      • They love to get in your face with blatant homosexuality…

        How come when straight couples kiss in public, no one accuses them of getting in people’s faces with blatant heterosexuality? Why do only gay couples have to keep it to themselves?

        What I’m saying here is that you should ALL keep your displays of affection private. As long as I’m still single. *snf*

      • Mitch

        There was a group in the late 80′s called Act Up that would go to suburban shopping malls and town squares and engage in same sex make out sessions just to fuck with people.

        I would say that is clearly “getting in your face with blatant homosexuality…”

        Also, I see I have three thumbs down on my original post. Liberals, thanks for proving my point about your intolerance towards anyone who doesn’t share your view.

      • Yes, because if people disagree with you, they are obviously intolerant.

      • And, once again, how is that any worse than straight people making out in public?

    • Joe Namath

      Want a dose of irony? A&E is owned by Hearst and Disney, two VERY liberal and pro gay corporations. Corporations that even give their gay employees benefits in states that don’t grate them. So every time a conservative Christian tunes in to watch these rednecks, they are lining the pockets of people who promote the rights of gays. Yup, by tuning in you support gay couples and their benefits!!! That’s some sweet irony.

  7. Juch

    Please, if this guy and crazy Ted Nugent represent your enemy, you’ve already won.

  8. Richard Head

    So you hate people who hate gays, and you appear to especially hate Christians which you refer to as “such a goddamn joke.” Think you would refer to blacks, gays, Muslims, or Jews as “a goddam joke?” Not likely. But it’s OK to heap hate on Christians because…??? So the big question for me is this: Does the author really not see the irony here, or is he just being a troll?

    • cc

      ‘But it’s OK to heap hate on Christians because…???’

      Because of the staggering hypocrisy of many of them.

      • Richard Head

        Because of “many of them” it’s OK to hate an entire group of people? Isn’t that almost the definition of prejudice: to hate an entire group because of the perceived behavior of some of its members?

      • Who said they hate all Christians? Calling out a few Christians on their hypocrisy doesn’t mean you hate all of them. That’s the false equivalence people always make. If you call out one member of a group you must hate all of them. That’s bullshit.

        By doing that they’re trying to make you seem as ignorant/hateful as the group you’re calling out. If what the person said doesn’t apply to you it shouldn’t bother you.

      • Richard Head

        The author said “all.” Read his words again: “Which is why American Christianity is such a goddamn joke because, in stark contrast to its core beliefs, it’s nothing more than another greedy, lockstep arm of right wing politics.” He doesn’t say “some,” he says “American Christianity” categorically, which by implication includes Unitarians, etc.

      • semantics – really? – that’s your argument?

    • JC

      Fish said “American Christianity is a goddamn joke,” not Christians in general. It’s an important distinction, since there are a lot of people who call themselves “Christians,” but in reality practice a bastardized version that ignores most of Christ’s teachings, which is in stark contrast to those Christians who actually try to live up to the lofty ideals espoused by Christ in their own holy book.

      • Richard Head

        “American Christianity” *IS* referring to American Christians in general. He didn’t say “Some American Christians.” He didn’t say “bigoted minority of American Christians,” He didn’t say “right-wing American Christians.” He said “American Christians.”

      • You need to separate the individual people and individual churches from the social institution. Yes, individual Christians and congregations can be great people, American Christianity as a social institution is pretty much bankrupt morally.

      • Jesus, Christians are so fucking touchy.

  9. JJ Michaels

    It’s important to bring your political and religious perspective to a comedy site. It really makes a difference to call a guy out whose primary responsibility in the world is to make dick and tit jokesin between the occasional attempts at tongue in cheek sarcasm. Lighten up, you tight assed conservative. Sincerely, Other Conservatives With A Sense Of Humor, esq.

  10. I’m pretty surprised how sensitive gays are. Why would they give a shit what some hillbilly redneck said? Have you seen a gay pride parade? Those dudes don’t give a fuck!

  11. Judge Chamberlain Haller

    I’m sure Phil doesn’t just love his ducks. He LOVES his ducks.

  12. Urbanspaceman

    The USA is a free country, the freest in the world. The most cherished American freedom is the freedom not to be ruled & taxed by a king in a foreign land. After that the list becomes a bit confused but most people agree that the 2nd most important American freedom is freedom of speech.

    Here’s how freedom of speech works in the USA:

    Phil Robertson speaks out against gay people and (temporarily) loses his A&E gig? It’s a freedom of speech issue.

    Hank Jr compares President Obama to Hitler and loses his MNF gig? It’s a freedom of speech issue.

    Natalie Maines speaks out against President Bush and the Chicks lose their radio & television airplay? Not a freedom of speech issue.

    Only in America!

  13. The dumbass, poor hicks that watch this stupid show straight up got hosed and used in the most beautiful scam ever pulled on Network television, so beautiful it should be taught in classes in B school. No gay or black people were calling for this man’s suspension, A&E miraculously came up with this on their own. The low functioning hicks got all riled up and of course drove the ratings through the roof of this show which A&E never took off the air even though they “suspended” Phil and basically ran non-stop the whole time during this controversy.

    Conveniently A&E lifted their fake suspension right away Christmas, after these indigent morons blew all of their money on Duck Dynasty stuff for Christmas and they had nothing more to milk them for and now they can look forward to record ratings for the next season. What is hilarious is that these inbred morons really think they won something and can’t figure out that A&E and the Robertsons were all in this together. For those that can’t seem to figure this out, A&E runs a business, a very lucrative one, their god and the Robertsons first and foremost is MONEY.

    These Robertsons straight up make Kris Jenner and the Kardashians look like amateurs when it comes to grifting money from people. Like I said, I am down at my house in the South right now, the Walmart near here is normally filled to the brim with cheap Duck Dynasty crap, right before Christmas, completely cleaned out. Operation fake scandal, a rousing success.

    What this fake controversy did show though as it always does, is that Christians are some of the most hate filled bigots and racists in the entire world and really don’t understand or adhere to the teachings of Jesus. If Jesus were alive today, they would spit on him, stone him and call him every nasty name in the book.

    • Dox

      I’ve often wondered what it would be like to talk to Jesus in present day America. And honestly, because I have time on my hands, I have envisioned what that conversation would be like on several occasions.

      I can imagine Jesus and I sitting at a Starbucks, as I introduce him to the absolute joy of a Caramel Brule Latte. (On a side note, I don’t give a shit if people think Im some kind of hipster douche for drinking Starbucks. Its fucking delicious.)

      And we would sit, ensconced away on the patio, so I could smoke my happy little brains out while enjoying my coffee…. and earn a few hard stares from Jesus as he shook his head, and clucked his tongue at my behavior.

      I would ask him….
      “So, J…. What’s your take on the gay folk? Are they going to hell?”

      Jesus would turn towards me, raising an eyebrow at my flippant tone and a smile would spread across his lips.

      “So. I was teaching this one time, when a lawyer asked a somewhat similar question. His interpretation of the law was quite possibly one of the most succinct that I have had the pleasure of listening to in the last 2000 years, give or take a decade. Did you by chance read what was written about it?”

      I would smile, watching the tendrils of steam rise from my cup and nod.
      “Love the Lord…”

      He would nod sagely.
      “That is the one. The simple fact of the matter is, I have tried to instill kindness, mercy, and love in all those who follow me. Condemnation and judgment are left to those best suited for that task, and lets be realistic. No human has the moral high ground.”

      “But what of those that commit crimes?” I would ask, slightly smug.

      A frown would crease his lips, as he rapped me lightly on the knuckles.

      “Don’t be obtuse.” He would mutter silently. “Societal rule and God’s laws are separate issues, as has been clearly stated in the bible. Render unto Caesar, etc etc.”

      I would nod, and hide a smile behind a sip of deliciousness before speaking…

      “You were still late getting here.”

      He would turn, and fix me with an admonishing gaze.
      “My dear boy, a savior is neither late nor early. He arrives precisely when he means too…”

      And then the universe would explode with goodness, unicorns, and peace.

    • So is it a “fake controversy” that we should all mock and move on from, or is it a battle in some culture war with “winners” and “losers” that we should get all upset about and devote time to?

  14. catapostrophe

    People who have ventured to say a single word for or against either “side” of this “issue” are damned fools, believe too much of what they read and care far too much for the people on their TVs.

  15. kimmykimkim

    I love you, Fish.

  16. Smith

    i love you

  17. Joe Namath

    Haha! The joke is on the conservative Christians. A&E is owned by Hearst and Disney, two very liberal companies known for being pro gay, even giving their gay employees benefits in states that don’t grant them. So every time these hicks tune into this dumb show, they’re supporting gays. The irony is hilarious. And besides, the network knew what they were doing. This was nothing more than a publicity stunt. Well played A&E!

  18. Jenn

    So, I asked my mother and she is adamant these guys stole the design for the duck call from some old dude up in Litroe. For. Shame.

  19. There is a video of him now at some church retreat advocating marrying girls when they are 15 years old. Yeah…

    • cmonreally

      You know what a disturbing fact is? Most pedophiles identify as devoutly religious – pedophiles love to hide behind religious texts because of how it was normal to marry young children in those days (note – I didn’t point out one specific religion, just religion in general) .

      So, at what point is it okay to dissect the Bible (or any religious text) into “well, that’s archaic and doesn’t apply to this time period” parts and “it’s the word of God so it must be true” parts? Forget gay marriage bringing about marriages between man and animal – how long will it be until l I start hearing Bill O’Reilly or some Republican Conservative presidential nominee fighting for the right to marry minors?

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