What Duck Dynasty Says About America

Barring one of the Duck Dynasty family members getting caught with a duck caller up their anus, these are my final thoughts on the Phil Robertson fiasco until Friday when I’m sure something else ridiculous will have flown out of this situation that I won’t be able to ignore. I’m not even going to delude myself. In the meantime, what follows is my cynical rundown on what in the hell happened here in the wake of Phil’s GQ interview, what it tells us about America, and a tenuous glimmer of hope for the future that somehow doesn’t involve large breasts. I’m just as confused as you are right now.

What The Hell Even Happened Here?

In a completely predictable move that A&E should’ve seen coming considering they filmed four seasons of the show, and even witnessed the grenade pin being pulled firsthand because it had a rep there the whole time (Whose exact location during the questionable parts of interview the network tried to lie about only to have Drew Magary epically shoot down.), Phil Robertson launched into a sermon about what’s wrong with America, as his own family said in the interview he just does at the drop of a hat, and it turns out the problem is sin including homosexuality which “morphs” into bestiality. And for those of you who still want to say Phil wasn’t specifically saying gays are what’s wrong with America, here he is yesterday doubling down on exactly that. Via Mediaite:

I am just reading what was written over 2000 years ago. Those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom. All I did was quote from the scriptures, but they just didn’t know it… A lot of times they don’t even wait for you to finish and say, ‘But there’s a way out, do you want to hear the rest of the story or what?
‘Jesus will take sins away, if you’re a homosexual he’ll take it away, if you’re an adulterer, if you’re a liar, what’s the difference? If you break one sin you may as well break them all.
If we lose our morality, we will lose our country. It will happen. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all walk around without stealing from each other and killing each other?’

From there, A&E thought it knew what the script was for these things: You pull the offensive person off the air then look like an inclusive, respectful company by condemning their comments because discrimination against a person’s sexual orientation shouldn’t be condoned in a modern society. And for those of you who blasted social media that A&E has no balls, you’re actually right, but for all the wrong reasons. You see, A&E doesn’t lack balls because they didn’t “tell them faggots to shut up,” they lack balls because they continued to profit from this ignorant fuck then suddenly pretended they gave a shit about their gay employees when the Internet lifted up the rock this was happening under. Except here’s where everything went sideways. Normally, advertisers would start pulling out because they don’t want to be tied to hate speech, except none of them did. Financially, the show was perfectly safe, and it’s main audience clearly doesn’t give a fuck about gay rights or the the struggles of pre-civil rights African-Americans (Even Mike Huckabee went, “Whoa, wait a minute,” on that one.), so it’s not like you were going to lose them. In fact, the show was more popular than ever which only further raises the questions of if this was all just a brilliant publicity stunt.

So Why Is Any Of That Bad?

Because hate won this battle. An antiquated belief that the way a person is born should deny them basic human rights in America proved to be a goddamn gold mine too rich to pass up. Any company who attempted to do the right thing found themselves immediately shouted down by Christian idiots who claimed they’re the ones being “persecuted” despite having not one of their constitutional rights taken away from or anyone even suggesting that they should be. Cracker Barrel, forgetting entirely who its customer base is, tried to do the right thing on Friday only to bitch out 39 hours later. Because apparently not seeing Duck Dynasty DVDs in the country store on your way to plate full of biscuits is exactly like not being able to marry the person you love or be recognized as a spouse to get health benefits. This is how fucking spoiled and how entitled this crowd is.

On top of that, you have an alarming swath of America who doesn’t even understand how Freedom of Speech works and cries “bigotry” if you even criticize their religious beliefs which are actively used to oppress the rights of their fellow man. Here’s Bristol Palin doing just that even though according to The Bible, she should’ve been stoned at the city gates for having premarital sex:

I hate how the LGBT community says it’s all about “love” and “equality.” However, if you don’t agree with their lifestyle, they spread the most hate. It is so hypocritical it makes my stomach turn. They need to learn how to respect others’ opinions and not just jump to the conclusion that everyone who doesn’t support homosexuality and gay marriage is homophobic.

Everyone who doesn’t support homosexuality and gay marriage IS homophobic. Your beliefs that you choose to adhere to specifically condemn gay people as “less than” which, in direct violation of the Constitution’s intent, Christians have taken even further by coding that belief into legislation to oppress homosexuals’ freedom. Yet, you conveniently ignore other Bible passages such as turning the other cheek (Not, oh I dunno, threatening to shoot people over a fucking TV show.), and giving all your money to the poor because I’m pretty sure one of you said it’s hard for a rich man to get into heaven. Man, who was that? Oh, right, JESUS. Your shit is all over the place, so naturally people are going to call you out for strangely clinging to the one part of The Bible that lets you subjugate an entire set of people while sitting smugly on a throne of a moral superiority. Something Christianity in America has a history of doing which brings to my next part.

You’re Losing

In the midst of all this, New Mexico and Utah legalized gay marriage. Yes, that Utah. Because here’s where Christianity repeatedly finds itself in an untenable position: The argument to take away a person’s basic rights will always lose. You used The Bible to defend slavery. You lost. You used The Bible to stop miscegenation. You lost. You used The Bible to block the civil rights act. You lost. And now you’re using The Bible to prevent gay rights which, surprise, you’re losing. Genuine human kindness will always beat you. When the history books are written, the people defending Duck Dynasty’s anti-gay stance will be viewed alongside the defenders of Jim Crow laws in the south. Misguided morons who thought they had the moral authority to deny the rights of others. Enjoy.

The Icing On The Cake

Here’s the Cult of Dusty doing an incredible takedown of just how “authentic” the Robertson family is, and holy shit, they’re all rich yuppies. If you skip to the 2:54 mark, you can see their lovely family photos of them all clean shaven in polos and khaki shorts at their beach house, yet as soon as the show started, they became goddamn Grizzly Adams:

Of course, now would be a good time for Christian Duck Dynasty fans to ask themselves why they always get duped so easily by frontier types, but the answer is religion is for the gullible, so they’re not going to do that at all.

Merry Christmas, rubes.

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