Phil Robertson: Jesus Can Make All Of Trump’s Scandals Disappear

“And Jesus said to them, ‘Quack quack quack, Mr. Pharisee. Quack quack quack.’ But the Pharisee still allowed men to pee where the womenfolk pee, so ISIS stole all of their camels. But just like that a gun appeared in the horizon, swathed in heavenly light, and Jesus was like, ‘This here, fellas. This how we roll…'”

Despite being a gullible bunch, presumptive Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is having trouble winning over evangelicals, which is why he just chose Indiana Governor Mike “No Cakes For Faggots” Pence as his running mate. But it turns out Phil Robertson has an even easier plan that involves simply saying magic words and then all of Trump’s scandals just disappear. Like they never even happened. Via Right Wing Watch:

Ideally, Robertson said, “we convert Mr. Trump” to Christianity so that all of his past scandals and indiscretions that will be brought up during the campaign will be rendered moot because he has been born again.
“If he but be born again, he could then tell them, ‘That’s the old me, I’ve been born again, this is the new Donald Trump,'” Robertson said, envisioning a cabinet meeting where he would be introduced to the world as President Trump’s spiritual advisor.
“Now, that would send a shock wave through America,” he said. “The left-wingers would be jumping out of buildings.”

I don’t know about jumping out of windows, but probably sitting in the garage with the car running because not only would this spiritual advisor believe a supernatural ghost hippie makes past crimes vanish from reality – We’ll still need prisons though. For the blacks we ruined by freeing them from slavery of course. – but Phil Robertson thinks the secret to stopping ISIS is outlawing abortion. We’re all gonna die. Via Wonkette:

“We’ve killed 60 million of our own children. ISIS is saying to us, ‘Well, if you didn’t think your own children were worth anything, why do you think we’re worried about what your life is worth? We don’t think you’re worth anything, that’s why we’re killing you. Just like you kill your children, that’s why we kill you. We don’t think you’re worth anything.’”
So they kill us, we kill our own children. You’re like, ‘Hmm… we lost our moral high ground.’ If we could have stood there and told them, ‘No, to us life is precious. We shouldn’t kill each other.’”

star wars 9/11

It seemed like an appropriate response at the time.

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