Seen here with a post-pregnancy Ashlee Simpson on New Year’s Eve, Pete Wentz laments about his current online reputation as the baggiest douche of all douches, according to the latest issue of Blender:
“I was letting the blogs get to me. It’s semi-frustrating when your name actually becomes a synonym for douche bag. I’m paranoid pretty much all the time. I can take three Xanax bars and not feel a thing.”
Truth be told, he doesn’t look great. Dark bags ring his eyes and his skin has a waxy, jaundiced pallor.
Dear Pete Wentz,
First off, it takes a real man to admit he reads about himself all day on the Internet. Everyone does it – except for me because I’m awesome. Lumberjack awesome. Anyway, now that I know you read this site, I came up with a revolutionarly solution that will make bloggers stop calling you a douchebag:
Quit looking like Pete Wentz.
BOOM! Solved. However, in the unlikely event that doesn’t work, I’ve also developed a fool-proof contingency plan where you pay me $1 million to have sex with Ashlee Simpson. Because honestly, Pete, who can put a price on peace of mind? Not counting the one I just came up with. (I prefer cash and to be called “Papa Bangarang.”)
Always looking out,
The Superficial Writer