Pete Wentz hates being synonymous with ‘douchebag’

January 4th, 2009 // 66 Comments

Seen here with a post-pregnancy Ashlee Simpson on New Year’s Eve, Pete Wentz laments about his current online reputation as the baggiest douche of all douches, according to the latest issue of Blender:

“I was letting the blogs get to me. It’s semi-frustrating when your name actually becomes a synonym for douche bag. I’m paranoid pretty much all the time. I can take three Xanax bars and not feel a thing.”

Truth be told, he doesn’t look great. Dark bags ring his eyes and his skin has a waxy, jaundiced pallor.

Dear Pete Wentz,

First off, it takes a real man to admit he reads about himself all day on the Internet. Everyone does it – except for me because I’m awesome. Lumberjack awesome. Anyway, now that I know you read this site, I came up with a revolutionarly solution that will make bloggers stop calling you a douchebag:

Quit looking like Pete Wentz.

BOOM! Solved. However, in the unlikely event that doesn’t work, I’ve also developed a fool-proof contingency plan where you pay me $1 million to have sex with Ashlee Simpson. Because honestly, Pete, who can put a price on peace of mind? Not counting the one I just came up with. (I prefer cash and to be called “Papa Bangarang.”)

Always looking out,

The Superficial Writer

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. chachou

    first! :D

  2. chachou

    first! :D

  3. me

    so by “full-proof” the superficial writer means fool proof, right?

  4. chachou

    firsssst! :D

  5. me

    so by “full-proof” the superficial writer means fool proof, right?

  6. Lea

    poor guy , freaking hilarious though

  7. Cash

    Yup, world pretty much hates your stinking guts Pete. Think it’s about time you did what any self respecting emo kid would, and swallow that whole damn bottle of Xanax and go listen to some Belle and Sebastian or something.

    It’ll be peaceful, I promise.

  8. chachou

    yea he’s a little weirdo but at least he’s married to her! she’s amazingly hot just after giving birth…

  9. britney's weave

    why is he reminding me of rufio from hook?

  10. spencer

    oh, come on, Wentz get over yourself, you’re not even close to Spencer’s douchebag synonymity.

    Can we have a moment for Ashley’s tits now? Ma-ma. Ma-ma. Om nom nom.

  11. “Truth be told, he doesn’t look great. Dark bags ring his eyes and his skin has a waxy, jaundiced pallor.”

    Jaundiced Pallor? What was this interview conducted by Edgar Allen Poe?

  12. This Poster

    Anyone posting after This Poster sucks on Pete Wentz’s douchebag

  13. Shut up poster

    Pete Wentz is just as much a douche bag as the next guy, to be perfectly honest. There is nothing that truly sets him apart from the rest. Although he is kind of creepy talking about Ashlee’s breast milk and shit…..

  14. petewentz=douche

    douche!

  15. Savalas

    Who is this douchebag?

  16. Nikky Raney

    I really hate the color green.
    The color green is the current background.
    That makes me sad.
    And I want to see the baby!!!

  17. Fat Ange

    Ashlee Simpson is 5’5 and is taller than that douchey

  18. jlylec

    don’t know shit about pete (or care really)…he seemed pretty cool on stern…but you know what…forget about pete. fuck pete. look at ashlee…jesus christ. i ALWAYS knew she’d end up being the hottest simpson (after OJ) once she grew up…goddamn she’d get it and get it good.

  19. Truth Doctor

    What a douchebag.

    But I’d still fuck Ashlee till I felt her tonsils.

  20. Danklin24

    Fish you forgot the other way he can keep from being called douchebag….quit devulging private things about your wife shithead. I dont need to know how her breast milk tastes or that her vaginal secretions reek of caster oil. Theres some things that should be kept private between a husband and wife. I mean if you wanted to tell about her favorite sex position i could live with that, but beyond that, stfu.

  21. Combaticus

    He’s not nearly as big a douchebag as Charles whats-his-face from Rock of Love 2. But speakin

  22. Combaticus

    –what the–?

    Speaking of douchebaggery, what’s up with the loud, annoying and invasive banner ad and MOVIE!??? Have you finally sold your soul (and site) to Satan?

  23. devilsrain

    anyone that wears his wifes pants is a huge Douchebag. Especially when the pants are big on you. FAIL X 2

  24. These two are already tiny little footnotes in history. Reality as they once knew it is over. They will be on government assistance within ten years.

  25. he could stop talking about his personal life
    just dont take an interview requests
    most normal people really dont care what is going on in his life.
    http://www.thatshideous.com

  26. Forget it Pete, you cant get rid being a douchebag with xanax! its instill in you!

    -nevermind his problems, when is Ashlee going to have a tits off with her sister? with joe cheerleading on the side….

  27. missy

    wow she looks fugly & he looks like a broken man.

    use a condom you dumb shit & your like would not be over as you know it.

  28. Igor

    plastic girl

  29. daddy

    ………..yep still a (midget) douche.

  30. Shep

    Who’s Pete Wentz? Is he the tiny creepy goth looking douchebag standing next to Jay Leno in those pics?

  31. T-Dawg

    Whatever, you are all a bunch of douches and Ashlee is LUCKY to be with Pete… he’s dreamy!

  32. PeteWentz

    I AM NOT A DOUCHE! Just because I talk about private, personal matters regarding my wife ( breast milk ), my wife is taller than I am ( she is 5’5″” ), and I have no self esteem at all, no job, and I am known as Mrs. Ashley Simpson, does not make me a LOSER DOUCHE! BTW, why did you post that picture of us in row 2, picture 1? Ashley has that forced fake grin and the look of ” Get him the fuck away from me! “. She has that same look when I try to have sex with her……I AM NOT A LOSER DOUCHE! Joe is calling me to suck him off; I gotta go.

  33. He’s the very model of a modern major douchebag.

    Ashlee looks cute in spite of that fashion misfire.

  34. vito

    Hey, Shithead. Trying to change your image? About fucking time. Do this:

    Do something with that bird’s nest you call hair. Either grow it or cut it off. As it is now it looks like a used-up whisk broom.

    Eighty-six the makeup. You are a guy, NOT a cunt. On second thought…

    The whisker thingies on your face have gotta go. At least until you can grow some that don’t look like you sucked off an anvil in a blacksmith’s shop.

    The threads, at least in these pix, aren’t too bad, but the shoes look a little girly with your cuffs so short. Fix it!

    I was going to suggest lifts in your shoes, but I’ve had ladies that were taller than I am and it’s a blast. Makes people wonder if you are hung like a racehorse and how you learned to lick your eyebrows.

    One last thing…stop talking about your old lady like she’s some tramp you picked up after the high school football game Friday night. For fucksake, Barney, she’s the mother of your kid and hot enough to light a bon fire from across the street. You don’t deserve a dish like her, so give thanks and SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

    PS: No more Playboy interviews. Sheesh…

  35. pink elephant

    he almost looks like a cross between david archuleta and a homo erectus

  36. The famous “DOUCHEBAG-SYNDROM”, folks?

  37. jayla

    lol. where’s his hoodie and sneakers?

  38. Ummm...yeah...

    So how is MRS Douchebag holding up? She is the queen of all douchebags, with her no talent ass. What a really fucked up family.

  39. lalaland

    Dear Pete Wentz,

    Here’s a list of things to do to stop crying about being a douche:

    1) Stop naming your babies “Bronx” or any other retarded “hip” sounding name just to set yourself apart from the rest. You’re not fooling anyone.

    2) Stop playing lame music that pretends to rock but it actually nothing more than pop with guitars. It’s douchey.

    3) Stop divulging the details of your sex life with your wifey. Quite frankly the thought of you two boneing makes us all nauseous. And again, you’re not fooling anyone.

    4) Stop with the lame publicity stunts. Wearing a paper plate on your face does not make you funny or prove that you outsmart the media. It makes you look like a douche.

    5) Stop with the eyeliner. It’s like a member of Menudo trying to be Iggy Pop.

  40. Scrodo

    Man, I hope he doesn’t let this get to him –

    YOU ARE SO MUCH OF A DOUCHE, IT’S ACTUALLY HARD TO EVEN CALL YOU THAT……PERHAPS THE EARL OF FUCKWITNESS IS MORE ACCURATE.

  41. Zod

    I can take three Xanax = I’m a complete douche

  42. sla

    Just admitting people think he’s a douche takes away a bit of the douchiness. Can you picture Criss Angel admitting people think HE’S a douche? And Pete looks like the greatest stud of all time compared to the bedazzled mindfreak.

    As for Ashley, nice post-pregnancy ta-tas. I have liked some of her music and thought some of it sucked; thought she looked fantastic at times and really lame other times. But she seems much cooler and way, WAY less annoying than her sister. Or her father. Maybe she was adopted, or possible the UPS man’s kid.

  43. Wow. There is so much bile in these comments.

    Y’all need to stare at the happy spot that is Ashlee’s boobies. HOORAY FOR BOOBIES!

  44. Screaming Meat Nugget

    Damn look at those juggs.

    If only she could saw that fuckin’ chin down to size.

  45. humpin frog

    Embrace your “doucheness”. Be one with the douche, Opie One Scooby Douche! Happy New Year.

  46. yowza

    I actually kind of feel bad for the dude. I know some people who used to be in a band with him like 12 years ago, before he was famous, and they say he’s a pretty decent, down to Earth dude. But I can’t help wanting to punch him in the back of the head. He’s just begging for it. I’d nail his wife, though.

  47. Lain

    Look at those butthurt faggots.

  48. a stylist

    DAH! Pete is taller than her.

    check out Ashley’s shoes in pic 5. She has on some killer heels.

    lol, pete wentz doesnt get it.

    Like ashley Simpson isnt a complete douche either. He just eclipses her. That’s pretty bad.

  49. Cartman

    Pete, get a real haircut and let a homo have that style back. That haircut is 90% of your doucheness.

    If I was you I would Google “Brian Urlacher” and have a barber give you that hairstyle.

    And then I would do Ashlee in her backside. ;)

    Win, win, and more win.

  50. v tard

    Superficial readers giving decent advice to a target of The Internet Hate Machine? Didn’t think I’d ever see it.

    That said, he should know better. Tom Cruise is a bigger hate object and he makes a special effort NEVER to read what people say about him. I don’t care how self-assured you are, eventually it gets to you if you insist on exposing yourself to it.

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