Penn State Won’t Remove Joe Paterno’s Statue

“Wait, didn’t this guy let a bunch of kids get raped?”
“Only poor ones. Now quit slouching.”

Thanks to the Freeh Report, we now know Joe Paterno and Penn State officials consciously made a decision to allow a known pedophile to roam free in order to protect the university’s reputation. It was a horrible sequence of events that allowed young boys to be continually raped by a predator emboldened by the fact he could get away his crimes. However, Joe Paterno also won a bunch of football games, and something like letting 10-year-olds get anally raped shouldn’t distract from that. This is America. ESPN reports:

The embattled members of Penn State’s Board of Trustees quietly have decided to leave Joe Paterno’s statue standing — at least for now and, some hope, forever, according to sources with firsthand knowledge of the trustees’ private discussions this week.
The trustees’ reluctance to remove the statue is motivated, in part, by a desire not to offend alumni and students who adore the late coach despite the damning findings of his role in the Jerry Sandusky child sexual abuse cover-up detailed in the Freeh report, the sources said.

In the Board of Trustees’ defense, plans are in place to eventually install a mechanism that allows the statue to detect rape and suggest a more suitable location while pivoting the other direction and shielding nearby security cameras. “When you hear Joe turn to you and say, ‘Excuse me, fella, would you mind taking that elsewhere?’ it’ll rape your face off,” one member said under the condition of anonymity. “The animatronics are that good.”

Photos: Getty