Penelope Cruz meets Suri

August 4th, 2006 // 85 Comments

Penelope Cruz is the latest human being to come out and confirm they’ve met Suri Cruise.

“I met Suri. She is really beautiful. She is really special,” the 32-year-old actress told reporters Thursday at the London premiere of her new film, Volver. “One of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And I am extremely happy for them. They are really happy and doing great.”

I’m pretty sure Tom Cruise is just inviting people over to his house and then forcing them to pretend they saw his child. “You’ll do it because I know where you live. You tell everybody she’s the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen or else I’ll destroy you. I’m Tom Cruise, bitch!” And then he dresses up Katie Holmes as a lumberjack and has sex with “her.”


  1. ICouldn'tResist

    Who gives a fuck about Suri … show more pixx of Penelope

  2. ScriptRadar

    Uno, pendejos!

  3. ScriptRadar

    Damn you, ICouldn’tResist!

  4. whodatiz

    I have also met Suri the beauty baby. She’s got tentacles. And a funny hat. And a monocle.

  5. Spunkbubble on J. Alba's chest

    Can anybody look at that face and really say she’s attractive? She looks fuckin’ goofy to me. Would I bang her? Please, enough with the silly questions. Its me we are talking about.

  6. Proteon



    LIKE NOEW!!!!!!!!!

  7. can't help myself

    i wonder what Penelope and Katie talked about when Mr. Big Man was out of the room?

  8. Penelope Cruz isn’t exactly an impartial source–she’s been on the Tom Cruise payroll for years. How else would you explain their relationship?

  9. Katie probably said “Help Me”

  10. jrzmommy

    Penelope is so breathing sighs of relief….that could have been her all brainwashed and faking a pregnancy.

  11. @4 So she looks like “Mr Peanut” – only with tentacles?

  12. jrzmommy

    Real nice, invite over the chick you used to bang to meat your new kid. What has the world cum 2? I mean, come on!

  13. spatz

    suri sure is speshul.

  14. jrzmommy

    Maybe shes retarded?

  15. EJ

    Does it strike anyone else as odd that everyone who’s “seen” Suri keeps insisting that she’s the most beautiful thing ever?

    One of the most beautiful babies I’ve ever seen! Really! Honest!

    Chalk one up for the Suri-Is-Deformed conspiracy theorists.

  16. biatcho

    I, too, met the baby. She’s “awesome”, just like her mom. Except within minutes of making eye contact with it I’m pretty sure my husband’s dick shriveled up & crawled back into his body cavity and my tits fell off.
    Go figure.

  17. Lynette Carrington

    Anybody in Hollywood that needs a quick $10k is invited to Tom’s house to report to the media that they’ve seen Suri. Hey Tom, for $10k I’ll come over and give my 2 cents about Suri and while I’m at it, I’ll spring Katie from the “Cruise Clink”.

  18. jrzmommy

    I think they say beautiful, just to be nice.

  19. ToiletDuck

    I found the latest video of Baby Suri – awww, she is just so sweet!! Check it out at the link below……

  20. jrzmommy

    LOL Toilet Duck!

  21. Peaches2133

    I don’t think she she is pretty at all. She looks cross-eyed sometimes. Penelope looks like a greasy crack whore.

    Anyway, it’s just a conspiracy. There really is no baby (if there is, it has to be an alien baby. No way would gay Tom have sex with Katie Holmes). Tom is just plain insane and is a publicity attention whore. The nurse who signed the birth certificate never saw the baby. TCLTC

  22. pagebetty

    ======= So she saw Suri, huh? Yeah right.

    Wasn’t she in st tropez? Anyway Tom can afford to put a lot of people on his payroll. ====== See these comments have to be timed just right. Go tom! Weirdo.

  23. spatz

    actually 21 she looks more like a wet rat, no?

  24. One celebrity that has seen her reported, “she has snakes hair and if you look her in the eye, you turn to stone”

  25. I think she’s gorgeous, but I don’t believe her.

    This is just more of Tom’s attention hungry antics… He gets people to say the baby is cute so Suri will continue to be in the news.

    I think we should boycott Suri!!!! We should fight Tom Cruise by refusing to talk about her!!!

    That’ll show him…….

  26. whodatiz


    You catch on quick. I like that in a suicidal.


    WHO THE HECK CARES?????????

  28. combustion8

    God just look at that retarded face, she’s so damn goofy looking and her shity english accent makes me want to stab my ears with flaming hot shishkabobs.

  29. biatcho

    The baby is “breathtaking”, in a Seinfeld sort of way.

  30. Peaches2133

    #23 Wet rat or not, she’s ugly and a terrible actress.

    #24 LOL

  31. ToiletDuck

    Here is some great footage of the delivery room when little Suri was born – a lot of nurses running around the ER, but altogether looks like a typical Scientology birth and everything came out OK…enjoy!

  32. jrzmommy

    Okay, I see we have an asshole among us who is signed on as me….20, 18, 14 and 12.

  33. mrs.t

    I took the most magnificent dump this morning. Really, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It was. To top off my morning of beauty, both of my kids had absolutely breathtaking bowel movements as well. They are so special.

  34. mrs.t

    jrzmommy, i thought that 18 sounded a lot like someone-who-shall-not-be-named, and not at all like you.

  35. Paz Vega, the chick from Spanglish, is what an attractive Penelope Cruz is supposed to look like. Penelope has been dogged by lezzie rumors for years, and I do not find it coincidental that she’s “dated” Tommy “cocklover” Cruise and Matthew “bongoballs” McConnahey – two dudes who have had their heterosexuality questioned over the years. She’s just going above and beyond in order to win Beard of the Year award handed out by GLAAD.

  36. Suri thinks of Katie Holmes as “the mother ship.”

  37. ToiletDuck

    She’s got the empty-headed gaze of Nancy Reagan, playing her finest role, perhaps the lowly cow in the manger witnessing the Virgin Birth or maybe listening to one of the Gipper’s speeches – more like she’s wondering why she can’t find a man who is truly interested in her womanly parts…

  38. So, Suri is a metaphor for Scientology? Only rich, famous people can see her? Is she the SciMessiah?

    You know who I’d believe if he said Suri existed? Larry the Cable Guy.

  39. jrzmommy

    @34: Thanks Mrs. T.

    “I pity the fool who impersonates me”

  40. jrzmommy

    39–fake jrzmommy, that’s actually kinda cute and upbeat. At least you’re not being a psychopath today.

  41. twzzlrgirl

    There has got to be something wrong with this child. These people are trying too hard to convince us that she’s beautiful.

    As for special, I now a lot of special people. They ride the short bus to school…

  42. RichPort

    Shouldn’t the headline read : Penelope Cruz EATS Suri? I mean, I though they had pieces of the kids stored in the meat locker to share with their friends.

  43. Nikk The Templar

    I think Suri Cruise just may well be C’Thulu….

  44. carrie bradshaw

    Funny it’s Tom’s few close personal friends who insist that Suri is just absolutely beautiful, yet that natural-food clerk in Telluride said she was “funny-looking”. Speaking of that guy, has anyone checked up on him since he said that? I wouldn’t be surprised if we learn that he has mysteriously disappeared, and when police went to his home to investigate there appeared to have been scuffle and all they found was some weird green blobs and a broken tentacle.

  45. jrzmommy

    44–and a copy of “Dianetics”.

  46. Coincidence >>> Above Penelopes rat faced photo, there has been an “Are TomKat breaking up” ad – and a “Which Baby Name Do You Like Best, Shilo – Suri – Apple” ad. Those google/superficial guys are on the ball today!

  47. EJ

    I love how all the celebs whine and bitch about how people stalk their babies to get photos.

    If they’d just act like NORMAL parents, there wouldn’t be a problem. Hell, when I was born, Mom and Dad were giving photos of me to everyone including the friggin grocery bag guy. I can guarantee that no one needed to stalk them to get photos! ;)

  48. CMonster0125

    Why do her comments sound like something careful crafted by a PR person? Is she trying to sound sincere so TC will cast her in his next cinematic crapfest?

  49. Seems to me Mr. Cruise is a sensitive chap. We already know he has a pack of lawyers going around the internet to hunt down people who say unfavorable things about him. Maybe his lawyers got hold of TheSuperficial and now he is trying to convince everyone he has a child.

    Maybe you guys should say he wears a wig. Maybe he will keep brushing and pulling his hair to convince the world he doesn’t wear a wig. That would make him look totally sane.

  50. LL

    RE Suri: maybe it takes about 6 months for her human face to come in, you know, like teeth.

    RE P. Cruz: Eh, I’ve seen her look better. She needs to clean off the eyeliner, she’s using enough for 3 women. As for her mental state, she did find Tom Cruise attractive at some point, so deduct points there. But she cut him loose before he managed to implant her uterus with his demon spawn, so add points there. So she comes out at about +1.

    I too, am missing Lohan news, but not because I want to see her T&A, but because I want to see just how far down she can go, so to speak, before we get the statement that she’s checked in to rehab. Maybe she and Mel can commiserate about how much it sucks to be rich and famous and persecuted by the Jews.

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