Pee-Wee Herman Isn’t Helping

August 12th, 2010 // 57 Comments

In the latest issue of Playboy, Paul Reubens – known 99.9% of the time as Pee-Wee Herman – finally speaks out about his 1991 arrest for allegedly masturbating in an adult theater. Turns out he sincerely believes his lawyers had a foolproof defense that would prove his innocence provided the judge never had a penis and a spirit of adventure. Via FOX 411:

“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her non-dominant hand,” Reubens divulges in the latest issue of Playboy (which hits newsstands Friday). “I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”

Adding insult to wrist injury, Pee-Wee was depressed to find his close friends relentlessly mocking him on TV because Hollywood is usually such a selfless community of people not looking out entirely for their own careers:

“I turned on the TV and saw people I mistakenly and naively thought were my friends making jokes about me. That was really painful. I knew Arsenio Hall, and his guests were Patti LaBelle and Luther Vandross, who were also my friends,” Reubens told the men’s magazine. “I was just sitting there going, ‘Oh, they’re making jokes about me.’ I turned the channel to Jay Leno, who was also saying some snarky things. I get that it’s their job, but I had already said the allegations weren’t true and felt I deserved the benefit of the doubt from them. Make a joke about me but also just say, ‘By the way, he’s been a friend of our show for many years.’ I was shocked people would kick me when I was down.”

While I genuinely feel sorry for Pee-Wee that his friends decided to take cheap shots at him, when I’m eventually caught for public masturbation I hope at least five of mine write a book about it and one of them titles it “Dick Pounder: Man of Destiny.” That said, was his entire legal strategy seriously a study that claims no one in the past 30 years has ever jerked off with their non-dominant hand? Because I broke my right hand once when I was 16 and can pretty much guarantee I would’ve been a surprise witness to Mr. Herman. “Your honor, the prosecution would like to call to the stand a remarkable young man who claims to have shattered the very foundations of science as we know it. I almost didn’t believe him myself until a team from NASA showed me classified studies they’ve attempted at request of the Pentagon. We’re truly stepping through the looking glass here.”

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. peewee’s mistake back then: judge asked if he wanted a lawyer, he said nah he could get himself off

  2. karrde

    I crank it with my non dominate left hand all the time! how else can you surf and spank at the same time?

  3. stinky mcpoop

    He looks high.

  4. Cock Dr

    Poor Pee-Wee.
    Don’t get caught by the police getting yourself off. They seem to lack a sense of humor about that sort of activity.
    I hope that Pee-Wee got his enormous erotic art collection back after the men in blue seized & tore thru it looking for kiddie porn.

  5. heahie

    I love that the company that did the masturbation study was named ” Masters and Johnson”. HAHAHAHHAHAH Johnson.

  6. Lighten up, Francis!

  7. BWC

    A true jerker is ambidextrous. Rookie-ass Peewee.

  8. Frobz

    Pee Wee was a visionary that few else were at the time: he knew before everyone else that Jay Leno was a backstabbing asshole.

  9. rylie

    Hubby jerks off with his left hand and he’s right handed.. what kind of shitty researcher is this?

  10. 2for2true

    Pee-Wee was humiliated and ostracized for going to an adult movie theatre and doing what 100% of the other customers were doing – except he wasn’t bothering anyone. The good news is that Pee-Wee is back and selling out shows in New York and L.A., and getting rave reviews. Good for you, Pee-Wee. I for one have missed you, and am glad you’re back.

    • missywissy

      me too. in total agreement. It sucks so many careers get buried over something so stupid. Our society should lighten up. Are we that hungry for blood? He’s a legend and hope to see him around more. Go Pee-Wee, already introducing my kids to you and they love ya! I know you are but what am I HUHHUH!!!

  11. Paul's Friend

    Give the guy a break. Just look at him, of course his only action is going to be the 5-knuckle shuffle.

    Actually I’ve met Paul in real life and he is a really nice guy. Of course I didn’t shake hands with him

  12. stranger

    sit on your hand till it falls asleep then beat off (The stranger)

  13. I stink

    been jerking it with my non dom hand for over 25 years. that study is a crock of shit.

  14. I used to live around the corner from the spot he was busted at. The theater was torn down and there’s a restaurant there now. The PD set him up big time !!

    • Sobrietyisacrutch

      That restaurant should really put up one of those plaques, the type that historical landmarks have.
      “Our Reuben Sandwich Comes With Secret Special Sauce…”

  15. Internet

    My girlfriend has the EXACT SAME hair plugs.

  16. Buster

    The M&J defense wouldn’t have flown. What was his point: someone else who looked exactly like him was in the same theater and jerking off, too?

    I’m left-handed and I jerk off with my right hand 98% of the time. The other 2% is when I deliberately use my dominant hand because the angle feels different.

  17. Rough, the new blaq

    Why doesn’t he license the pee wee look and shenanigans to up coming young comedians like Bozo. This aint cute no more man…

  18. Zowie

    Rosie and Annie Palm ….. The Palm sisters are equally adept and play no favorites. Pee Wee may have been eating a Snickers bar with his right hand at the time and just needed to keep his chub on … till his dominant hand was licked clean of the sweet creamy chocolate.

  19. Internet

    Really? Where they hosing him down?

  20. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    What is he?

  21. Pat C

    You know, if I got busted for jacking off in public, I would expect my friends to laugh at me. “What a dumbass Pat”.

  22. Oldnslo

    Non dominant hand? I don’t make my hands do the dress-up thing.

    srsly, nobody at M & J had ever heard of the Chinese Backhand? The Continental? They’re just into Feeding the Ducks?

    Sad.

  23. Burt

    “Because I broke my right hand once when I was 16 and can pretty much guarantee I would’ve been a surprise witness to Mr. Herman. “Your honor, the prosecution would like to call to the stand a remarkable young man who claims to have shattered the very foundations of science as we know it. I almost didn’t believe him myself until a team from NASA showed me classified studies they’ve attempted at request of the Pentagon. We’re truly stepping through the looking glass here.””

    Now, that was funny.

  24. wow that is a lot of makeup. WAY too much

  25. Marcus

    Is He doing the hair club for men now?

  26. Alex

    When I was younger, I jerked off with my right hand successfully maybe 6 times. eventually I gave up on it because it was so much more difficult.

  27. Sean

    Oddly enough…the broken hand thing actually happened to me. I think I was 15 tho. I switched to my left, and never really looked back. The right hand is for working the remote. Or typing during cybersex.

  28. Hell, I don’t even HAVE a dominant hand and that has never stopped me…

  29. Alex

    his old on stage show was much much much raunchier and more hilarious than the kid show.

    It was mostly a lot of PeeWees ‘friends’ like Phil Hartman the drunk sea captain, would come over and make increasingly debauchtastical offers to Peewee who would be quite the ‘innocent straight man’

  30. captain america

    this COCK-SUCKER still has sperm in his right eye!!

  31. LPB

    Dennis Rodman comes to mind; right hand is for home, left hand for the road. I think each hand has a different female name, too.

    And as David Letterman said at the time, “Well, at least he wasn’t TALKING in a movie theater.”

  32. Cock Dr

    What an interesting bunch of comments. Learn all about the nuances of male masturbation on the SW.
    Conclusion: men can & will adapt ambidextrous skillz.

  33. Someone

    Masters and Johnson didn’t look hard enough. I’m right-handed, but exclusively work it with my left hand.

  34. the voice of reason

    these are some of the funniest comments I ever read, almost makes me wish I had a penis so I could throw my 2 cents in

  35. Steelerchick

    ICK I’d didn’t need to know how Pee Wee Herman jerks off!!!
    Thanks, now I can only picture him jerking off in a theatre! icky!!!

  36. Bugsy

    He really shouldn’t have been railroaded out of Hollywood and black listed from preforming as Pee-Wee for something so stupid. I see guys in movie theaters with magazines in their laps all the time. Unfortunately, now he looks like a creepy old clown that I wouldn’t let near my kids or animals.

  37. SW is a Liberal Douche Bag

    I’m just wondering why there is a 5 picture photo gallery of Pee Wee. I think he should Name his next movie “Pii Wii’s Big Adventure”.

    See what I did there? Just try and keep up, I dare you. And by “keep up” I mean sleeping 16 hours a day and then taking a nap.

  38. ppl

    pee wee hasn’t aged a day… sign me up with what he’s taking

  39. jack

    i jerk off alternately with both hands, depending which side i place my laptop on to check out internet porn.

    pee wee would’ve been better off leaving that one alone.

Leave A Comment